Every heart has the capacity for deep connections, but what happens when a child's early experiences have tarnished their ability to bond?
Join me, Nicole T Barlow, as we navigate the tender journey of building bridges to attachment with foster children. In an exploration, we delve into the attachment cycle and how it paves the way for trust, safety, and the vital development of young minds and hearts. But it's not just about understanding the cycle; it's about rewriting the stories for children whose histories are marked by too many 'no's.
We share real-life, practical methods for affirming their worth, meeting their needs, and fostering the secure attachments they deserve, even when the starting point is a history of negative attachment.
I discuss the challenges that our own protective instincts can sometimes present, making it difficult to reach out to our children with the openness they need. So lend an ear, and together, let's learn to foster trust and understanding, ensuring that each child in our care can thrive in the warmth of connection.
Every heart has the capacity for deep connections, but what happens when a child's early experiences have tarnished their ability to bond?
Join me, Nicole T Barlow, as we navigate the tender journey of building bridges to attachment with foster children. In an exploration, we delve into the attachment cycle and how it paves the way for trust, safety, and the vital development of young minds and hearts. But it's not just about understanding the cycle; it's about rewriting the stories for children whose histories are marked by too many 'no's.
We share real-life, practical methods for affirming their worth, meeting their needs, and fostering the secure attachments they deserve, even when the starting point is a history of negative attachment.
I discuss the challenges that our own protective instincts can sometimes present, making it difficult to reach out to our children with the openness they need. So lend an ear, and together, let's learn to foster trust and understanding, ensuring that each child in our care can thrive in the warmth of connection.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to, Nicole T Barlow. In this episode we are going to be talking about all things attachment, what it is, why it's important and how to actively work on it with our kids as foster and adoptive parents. Attachment is, in my opinion, the most crucial thing we can work on with our children. But if our kids are coming to us with previous negative attachment experiences which a lot of our kids do in one form or another it can be a real challenge to work through one form or another. It can be a real challenge to work through. Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between the infant or a child and caregiver, and it's also how the helpless infant gets its primary needs met. Let's talk about how attachment is formed in the first place, and that's through the attachment cycle. So a baby has a need, a baby communicates that need and generally the way that they communicate it is they cry. Then a caregiver meets that need and trust develops. The baby relaxes and trust develops over time that that caregiver is going to meet that need of that child. So this happens over and over and over again throughout the day. The baby has a need, the caregiver meets the need. A baby has a need, the caregiver meets the need, and there is a trust that develops between the caregiver and an infant. That allows the infant to learn to feel safe, it allows their brain to develop, it allows for learning and it allows for human connection. Our brains are set up first and foremost for protection. The survival part of the brain is the part that is the most developed in utero. So we come out of the womb wired for survival. When we go through this cycle of attachment over and over again, day in and day out, we learn that somebody else is going to take care of us. So that survival part of the brain relaxes and it allows the other parts of the brain to be able to grow and develop.
Speaker 1:
I think we often think of connection and attachment as some sort of emotion, of connection and attachment as some sort of emotion. And it is an emotional connection. But the ability to connect with someone comes from a place of feeling safe with them. Your body, when you trust someone, lets down your defense system so that you are able to connect with them genuinely. So infants that have caregivers that meets their need over and over and over again over time are able to relax and connect and their brains are free to develop and concentrate on learning and growing since they have come to trust that their needs are being taken care of by somebody else. But when an infant or young child's needs are not met consistently over time, that child will stay in survival mode because he has learned that his needs aren't going to be met by the outside world, which this stunts physical growth, it stunts brain development and it stunts his ability to connect with somebody else emotionally, because the brain is wired for survival and protection and if he doesn't know that the caregiver is safe, then there will be an emotional distance. That happens there.
Speaker 1:
One of our kids has some pretty extreme attachment struggles and diagnoses and we've been told that her brain works as if she's in active combat 24-7. Her brain never really relaxes. It's hard for her to learn, it's hard for her to connect In fact it's near impossible and it's hard for her brain chemistry to be balanced because of the way her system works. Attachment for our children is crucial. It has the ability to impact every area of their lives. So what if you have a child that has attachment struggles? How do we work to build attachment with our children?
Speaker 1:
And I think the first step is to look back about how attachment is built in infants. So if we go back to that attachment cycle, right, an infant has a need and cries, communicates the need. The caregiver meets the need I want you to look at it in the terms of a child is asking for something, an infant's asking for something and the caregiver says, yes, I'm going to meet that need for you. So if the infant is hungry, they ask for food and the caregiver says, yes, I'm going to meet that need. Yes, you are important. Yes, you are seen. Yes, you are heard. Yes, your needs are important. Yes, your needs are going to be met. Yes, I'm going to care for you, right? So they're building up this tank of yeses and a lot of times I mean infants are, you know, lots of months in six, seven, eight, nine months in before they ever really get a no, right Before they have a caregiver that says, no, I'm not gonna meet that need. A lot of times it becomes when our kids become more mobile and they're going after something that they want that they're not able to have. So that's kind of when the no's kick in.
Speaker 1:
But for our kids that have negative attachment experiences from before, that cycle looks totally different. So maybe they communicated that, hey, I'm hungry or, you know, ask the question will you feed me? They don't really ask the question, but by crying, you know, they're saying will you feed me? And the caregiver, by not feeding them, is saying no, you know. And so what they're internalizing is no, you don't matter. No, you're not seen. No, you're not heard, no, you're not going to be cared for.
Speaker 1:
Over and over and over again, and they're staying in that state, in that survival mode, in order to get their own needs met because they can't trust the outside world for it. So when you have a child that comes into your home, if you have an infant, in order to work on this, you just go through that attachment cycle and meet their needs over and over and over again. But older kids that come in, there are times, one, where we have to say no to kids and even toddlers not just older kids, but toddlers too. There are times when we have to say no to them. But I think one of the things that we can work on is recognizing this attachment cycle, recognizing what they have experienced in the past, and really trying to go through this attachment cycle as much as possible.
Speaker 1:
And the first thing that we can do is to see our kids' needs as attachment and connection seeking, versus sometimes I think we view it as maybe attention seeking or something of the sort. I mean, I know that there are times when it feels like my kids' buckets are never full, like they just keep asking and keep asking and keep asking. I mean we used to look at it as like their wanters are out of control. They're always wanting something. But it's important to realize all of the yeses that maybe they have missed and now maybe they are trying to seek out that attachment and connection. They're trying to make up for that lost time. The next thing that we can do is just to go through that attachment cycle as much as possible, and that means a lot of yeses and for older kids that may not ask for as much, although it seems like it as an infant.
Speaker 1:
We have to create opportunities to say yes. So one of the ways that we did this was we created something called yes Jars. So we made a jar for each one of our kids and put their name on it, and I added things to the jar that I was okay with the kids having at any point in the day. So maybe it was like a mini water bottle or a mini juice box, maybe it was like three or four almonds in a baggie or a matchbox car or a sticker or maybe some bubble gum. Whatever it was. I would just look for things that I was okay with them having at any point in the day, and so the rule was is the yes jars came out after breakfast and they went to bed at dinnertime, but any time in between, if my kids came up to me and looked me in the eye and ask for something from their yes jar with respect the answer was always yes. So my kids didn't have a fear of asking because they knew what the answer was going to be beforehand and I was definitely going to say yes because I had pre-chosen the things that had gone in their yes jar. So I knew that I was okay with them having those things at any point in the day.
Speaker 1:
And you guys, the things that were in their yes jar, none of them were true needs. I mean, the food items were not enough to really be a snack and there's a mini water bottle in there, but they have full-size water bottles that stay out that they can have at any point in the day. And so it really is about just the practice of them asking for something and the practice of me saying yes. It's just trying to create this attachment cycle and go through this attachment cycle as many times as possible, as many times as possible. And so a couple of things that we learned in this process. First of all, the first week that we had the yes jars out, the yes jars were empty by nine o'clock and there also was a rule that once your yes jar is empty, it's not refilled until the next day. But over and over again their yes jars were emptied out first thing in the morning, every single day, but then the next week it was a little bit later, and every week the time would kind of be extended. Now, I mean, it's been a couple of years now, but now I think the yes jars are still out, but I have no idea where they even are.
Speaker 1:
My kids never ask for anything from the YesJar anymore, but during that season they needed to build up those yes tanks. They needed to build that up a little bit. We need to build up that attachment. And so a couple of other things that we noticed. Number one they were much more able to accept a no when their yes tanks were full, when they had gotten a lot of yeses, even if it was for silly stuff or stuff that seems silly to us. If their yes tanks were full, they were usually more able to accept a no when we did have to say no to them, because there are times with kids where you have to say no, right, but they were able to accept it more because they had gotten so many yeses. They had gone through this attachment cycle so many times that it didn't feel like a total disruption when they got a no.
Speaker 1:
The other thing that we noticed was that Even in times like later, where my kids very rarely asked for something from their YesJar, they almost always asked for something in a moment where they were being corrected, and the way that I saw this was it was almost like they needed reassurance in those moments when they had done something they shouldn't have done, that they were still going to be taken care of. And what a beautiful way and an easy way for us to be able to show them that our love is not changed by them making a mistake right, that they are still going to be loved and accepted and cared for, even when they mess up because we all mess up, right. But the yes stars were a great way for our family to be able to work through that attachment cycle over and over and over again, able to work through that attachment cycle over and over and over again. As we go through that attachment cycle over and over, trust is going to build, and with that trust comes connection.
Speaker 1:
The other thing that is really important for us to work really hard is to meet their needs in other times as well. Are we emotionally available for them? And sometimes our kids can need a lot emotionally. Are we able to comfort them when they need comfort? Are we able to help them with emotional regulation when they need it, even if they aren't asking for these things in a way that maybe we would deem appropriate, because a lot of times our kids don't necessarily know how to ask for attachment or connection. They don't know how to ask for comfort. They may seek it out or they may show it in ways that we don't understand. But isn't that true of an infant also, right? Sometimes the baby cries and you don't know exactly why they're crying. You don't know, but isn't that true of an infant also, right? Sometimes the baby cries and you don't know exactly why they're crying. You don't know if they're hungry, you don't know if they're tired, you don't know if they just need you to hold them. So you have to be curious and you have to kind of test it out. And I think the same is true for our kids when they are seeking out attachment or connection or for us to meet their needs, even in a way we don't understand. We have to remain curious so we can kind of figure out what the need is. That way we are able to meet it. If the ultimate goal is to build trust, then we have to make sure that we are able to meet the needs that they have.
Speaker 1:
I do think that there are a couple of challenges that I want to mention here, though. There are times when our kids have negative attachment experiences and it's really hard for them to accept care. It may take a really, really long time to build that trust because for a really really long time they may have had negative experiences teaching their brain not to trust and sometimes in those environments our own brains can go into protection mode and so it can be really hard for us to seek connection, for us to seek attachment with our children, for us to be emotionally available for them, because our own brains have gone into a protection mode, because they don't feel safe. If that's the case, if you're struggling to attach to your child, the first thing I will say is just keep doing the work right. The second thing I will say is research, blocked care and what that means.
Speaker 1:
Melissa Corkum and Lisa Qualls talk a lot about blocked care. They've written a book called Reclaim Compassion. That is great if you are struggling to attach to a child or emotionally connect with your child because your own system is in defense mode, which happens. You guys, we are human and our brains are also wired for protection. So if we have received rejection before, our brains can go into protection mode and it can be harder for us to seek that out from our kids because that makes us more vulnerable. So I will put a link to the Reclaim Compassion book and Adoption Wise website where they talk about blocked care. They have some support groups, they have coaching environments. They just have lots of resources. If that's something that you're struggling with Because I do think that becomes a challenge for us is to overcome our own protection mode so that we're able to meet our kids' needs. So I know that this has been a very simple overview of attachment and it doesn't even begin to touch on things like reactive attachment disorder or some of the other diagnoses that prevent our children from accepting care, and maybe we'll do an episode digging into some of those things later on. But I hope this conversation can help us begin discussing ways to work on this with our children, because it is so important. If you have enjoyed this show, I would love for you to reach out and tag me on Instagram at Nicole T Barlow and let me know and be sure to share it with your friends, and I would love for you to join us in our Facebook group and join the conversation over there as we continue to talk about the things that impact us as foster and adoptive parents.
Speaker 1:
As we wrap up today, let me pray for us, lord. God, I thank you for these individuals that you have called to care for children. Lord, help us to attach to our kids. Help us to connect with the kids. Help us to build trust with our kids so that they begin to relax and to know that they are important, that they are valued and that they are cared for. God, give us a heart for our kids. Give us a renewed heart for our kids every day, so that we are able to stand in those places of compassion and to really see and meet their needs. Help us to discern their needs, lord, so that we are able to meet them. Help us to be able to see through the behaviors and see through some of the ways that the needs are expressed and remain curious. Lord, help us remain curious to be able to figure out what we can do to help them feel seen and heard and valued. Lord, we love you. We trust you In Jesus' name, amen, thank you.