Struggling to steer through the unpredictable journey of foster care and adoption, I've often grappled with the need to keep a tight grip on every turn and decision. It's a road marked by both yearning and anxiety, where the desire for control often feels like the only seatbelt we have. Throughout our deeply personal conversation, I open up about how this quest for control mirrors the behavior of our children, who seek their own sense of power in response to fear. Yet, as we navigate these high-speed twists and turns, we're reminded that true safety and security come from the hands of a trusted parent. This episode is an invitation to embrace the passenger seat, to lean into the trust we must place in a higher plan—a theme underscored by the poignant lessons of 1 Peter 5:7 and the book of Habakkuk.
For those who walk the path of foster care and adoption, I offer a heartfelt prayer in this episode, asking for the strength and peace that come from surrendering to a plan beyond our own. It's a moment of connection, where I call for guidance and solace under God's watchful presence. We explore the significance of prayer in providing a sense of reassurance and safety amidst the tumultuous care for these precious lives. Listeners are encouraged to join in this communal reflection, to find solace, and to parent with unwavering faith, patience, and joy. This episode is not just a discussion, it is a shared journey toward trusting in a plan greater than our own, and it's an honor to have you along for the ride.
Struggling to steer through the unpredictable journey of foster care and adoption, I've often grappled with the need to keep a tight grip on every turn and decision. It's a road marked by both yearning and anxiety, where the desire for control often feels like the only seatbelt we have. Throughout our deeply personal conversation, I open up about how this quest for control mirrors the behavior of our children, who seek their own sense of power in response to fear. Yet, as we navigate these high-speed twists and turns, we're reminded that true safety and security come from the hands of a trusted parent. This episode is an invitation to embrace the passenger seat, to lean into the trust we must place in a higher plan—a theme underscored by the poignant lessons of 1 Peter 5:7 and the book of Habakkuk.
For those who walk the path of foster care and adoption, I offer a heartfelt prayer in this episode, asking for the strength and peace that come from surrendering to a plan beyond our own. It's a moment of connection, where I call for guidance and solace under God's watchful presence. We explore the significance of prayer in providing a sense of reassurance and safety amidst the tumultuous care for these precious lives. Listeners are encouraged to join in this communal reflection, to find solace, and to parent with unwavering faith, patience, and joy. This episode is not just a discussion, it is a shared journey toward trusting in a plan greater than our own, and it's an honor to have you along for the ride.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to foster parent well, so let's jump in. Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast. My name is Nicole T Barlow and I'm your host today. If you're new here, welcome. I'm so excited you're here with us. After you finish the show today, I'd love for you to hop on over to Instagram and introduce yourself and let me know how you like the show. If you've listened before and you're enjoying this podcast, I'd love for you to leave a review.
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Reviews help the podcast get pushed out to more listeners, and my goal here is for no foster and adoptive parent to feel like they're alone. I want this to be a space where we can link arms and really encourage one another. So today we're talking about our desire for control. Hello, my name is Nicole and I'm a control freak. I've been working on it for years, but it keeps popping up in new ways. And I don't think I'm alone here. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that God handpicks all the control freaks and he puts them into foster care and adoption just to sanctify it out of us.
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Sometimes our desire for control stems from a place of trying to get what we want. Maybe we have a specific placement or type of placement on our heart. We may seek to control the situation to get what we want. Maybe our goal in foster care is ultimately adoption, and so we may advocate and seek to control the situation to get what we want. Maybe it comes from a place of doing what we think is best, advocating for what we think is best or safest for the child long term. Or maybe our control stems from a place of our own felt safety. Control helps us feel safe. Or maybe it's a little bit of all of it.
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I want you to take a minute and visualize something with me, all of it. I want you to take a minute and visualize something with me. Imagine that you are in a car, maybe with your spouse or a friend, or if you have a new teen driver, that's even better. Visualize being in the car with that other person driving. Right, they're going 100 miles an hour. Are you just going to be able to sit back and relax? Chances are no. If you're anything like me, you'd be a nervous wreck. But imagine the same scenario, right, you're in a car going over 100 miles an hour, but you're the one driving. How would you feel then?
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A lot of times, most of us would feel pretty safe in that situation, and that's because we're in control, and being in control makes us feel safer. It doesn't actually mean that we are safer, but it may make us feel safer. I mean, consider for our kids. They seek control when they're fearful or anxious, because it makes them feel a level of felt safety. But they aren't actually safer when they're in control. They're actually safer when a safe parent is caring for them. We are the same.
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Pay attention in your house when things get chaotic, and I'm assuming that from time to time things get chaotic. I know that they do in my house nearly every day, right, and one of the things that I've noticed is, every time that things get hectic or a little out of control in my house, I seek control for my own level of safety. It makes me anxious when things are chaotic, and so if I implement more structure right. More control, then it helps me settle. It helps me feel a little safer. Just as we want our kids to trust that we are keeping them safe, that they don't have to control it all. God is telling us the same thing In 1 Peter, 5, 7,. It says cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. He wants us not to try to control it all but to give it over to him and to trust that he is in control.
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In the book of Habakkuk, habakkuk's crying out to God. At the beginning of the book he's crying out to God. He's saying God, I see all of this injustice, all of this violence. Look at all that's going on. How can you let this continue? How can you let these things happen? Why aren't you stepping in? Why aren't you doing something? And doesn't foster care and adoption feel like that sometimes, I know I feel like that. I see lots of injustices happening and I cry out to God, god, why aren't you doing something? But the Lord answers Habakkuk and gives him a little glimpse. He says I am doing something, I'm working behind the scenes. I am actually raising up the Chaldeans to overtake you. And Habakkuk goes no, no, no, not that right, like that's not what I was talking about. They're even more evil than we are.
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But the Lord continues to show Habakkuk that he is sovereign, that his perspective is different, it's not earthly, it spans over time, and that he knows the beginning and the end and he knows how to get there right. So it's not something to where, when we look at something, we're looking with such limited perspective, such limited vision, because we don't see the end, we don't really know what's best. There are times when we think we may know what's best, but we don't really know what's best. There are times when we think we may know what's best, but we don't really know what's best for everybody involved, when we're taking an eternal perspective, right. So God is showing Habakkuk look, I am in control, I am all powerful, I am making all of these things happen.
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And at the end of the book, habakkuk gets to a place where he says, though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit beyond the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will take joy in the God of my salvation, god, the Lord, is my strength. He makes my feet like deers. He makes me tread on high places. You guys, that's what it is. We have to get to a place where we're not so moved by our circumstance all the time, where we trust that God is in control, just like we want our kids to trust us when we're in control. We need to trust the sovereign, all-powerful God that he is in control and that he has our best interests at heart, in control, and that he has our best interests at heart, that he is working all things for our good and his glory. Psalm 55, 22 says cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
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There are times in foster care and adoption when our circumstances look messy. They're weighty. There are some hard things that we see where we don't see the fruit, where we don't see provision, where it doesn't look like things are happening the way that they should, or it doesn't look like God is moving. But in these moments we can trust that he is. In our first foster care case, we got two boys in November and we were told that most likely they would be reunified with their mom by Christmastime. Well, that didn't happen, and for two and a half years the boys were in care, and it was a roller coaster of, yes, they're going to be reunified. No, they need an adoptive home. Yes, they're going to be reunified. No, they need an adoptive home.
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And it was a real struggle to stay in a place of humility and to try not to control or seek control I didn't really have any control over any of it but to try to have a heart posture of humility where I wasn't trying to control everything. And that is really, really hard, especially when it comes to kids and people that you love so much. Right, but the reality is is we didn't know what was the best for the boys, and so in that time I had to learn to cry out to God, to rely on Him, to trust in Him, because my heart was prone to seek what I wanted or to seek what was safest for me, but that's not necessarily what was best for them long-term. And this is not to say that we don't advocate. We did advocate in their case, and I think that we should do that as foster parents, because lots of times we see things that others may not be privileged enough to see, and so we should advocate for justice, we should advocate for kids to be safe, but we have to make sure that our own desires aren't getting in the way and kind of clouding how we're advocating right, that we're not just seeking control out of the need for our own safety or the need for us to feel like we have some sort of felt safety or control in the whole situation. And the same is true with behaviors. We don't have any control over the things that our kids have experienced, and we don't have any control of how that plays out in their lives and in their behaviors and in the way that they feel. And so we can do our best to serve them well and to give them tools and to walk alongside of them as they strive to heal, but we can't actually make that healing happen. We can't tell the future. We can't control how things are going to turn out, whether they're going to like me as an adult, right, they may not, whether or not. I mean, I have one child that most likely, when she turns 18, she will go back to her biological parents, and that's okay. That is good for her, that's the connection that she needs, but I don't have any control over that. My job is to support her in whatever she chooses right. But those things can be really hard to lay down at times, and so we have to trust that we serve a God that knows it all and sees it all and is in complete control.
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Hebrews 6.10 says For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do. The Lord sees what you're doing. The Lord sees what you're doing. The Lord sees the work that you're putting in, and he is working all of those things for your good and His glory, even when circumstances don't seem like it. So, friend, today, when you look out and you see injustice, when you see maybe the tree isn't blossoming yet, maybe there's no fruit on it, maybe you can't see in this moment how the Lord is working, I urge you to cry out to Him and to ultimately go to His Word, read His promises and stand on those things today, his promises, and stand on those things today. Stand on that truth, because he cares for you. You can cast your cares on him and trust him.
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In the driver's seat. Let me pray for us today as we wrap up, lord Jesus, help our hearts, lord. Help our hearts in these difficult situations that we face as foster and adoptive parents. Help us to rely on you. Help us to trust in you. Help us to feel safe in your care, lord. Help us to stand on your promises, because your word is true. You are faithful, lord, you see us. You are faithful, lord, you see us, you hear us, you know all things and you are in complete control. Give us your peace and help us rest in your sovereignty today. We love you. We trust you In Jesus' name Amen.