Have you ever wondered how the strength of a marriage can be the bedrock for a nurturing family environment? Join me, Nicole T. Barlow, as I convene with the remarkable Jennifer Haines, who brings to the table a wealth of experience in blending biological and adoptive children into a harmonious family unit. We navigate the complexities of marriage and parenting, shedding light on how faith and understanding of one another's strengths are instrumental in creating a joyful home, especially for children who have faced adversity.
In our heartfelt discussion, Jennifer and I unpack the value of carving out time for your partner amidst the whirlwind of parenting. It's not just about the occasional date night; it's about fostering that deep connection that keeps a marriage vibrant and strong. We dissect the practice of speaking your spouse's love language and how this can elevate the sense of appreciation and love in a relationship. This isn't merely about the romance; it's about forming an unwavering alliance that becomes the backbone for supporting children through the traumas they may carry with them.
This episode culminates with a look into the profound impact of gratitude and open lines of communication on a couple's journey through fostering and adoption. We emphasize the delicate dance of balancing each other's strengths and weaknesses and how this dynamic can stabilize a family. As a final note, we touch upon the support systems and communities vital for foster care, and we wrap our conversation with a prayer inspired by Jesus's love—a prayer that underlines the essence of our dialogue: the aspiration for strength and love in all our marital and familial bonds. Join us in this enlightening exploration with Jennifer Haines that promises to resonate deeply with parents navigating the beautiful, yet challenging path of raising a family.
Have you ever wondered how the strength of a marriage can be the bedrock for a nurturing family environment? Join me, Nicole T. Barlow, as I convene with the remarkable Jennifer Haines, who brings to the table a wealth of experience in blending biological and adoptive children into a harmonious family unit. We navigate the complexities of marriage and parenting, shedding light on how faith and understanding of one another's strengths are instrumental in creating a joyful home, especially for children who have faced adversity.
In our heartfelt discussion, Jennifer and I unpack the value of carving out time for your partner amidst the whirlwind of parenting. It's not just about the occasional date night; it's about fostering that deep connection that keeps a marriage vibrant and strong. We dissect the practice of speaking your spouse's love language and how this can elevate the sense of appreciation and love in a relationship. This isn't merely about the romance; it's about forming an unwavering alliance that becomes the backbone for supporting children through the traumas they may carry with them.
This episode culminates with a look into the profound impact of gratitude and open lines of communication on a couple's journey through fostering and adoption. We emphasize the delicate dance of balancing each other's strengths and weaknesses and how this dynamic can stabilize a family. As a final note, we touch upon the support systems and communities vital for foster care, and we wrap our conversation with a prayer inspired by Jesus's love—a prayer that underlines the essence of our dialogue: the aspiration for strength and love in all our marital and familial bonds. Join us in this enlightening exploration with Jennifer Haines that promises to resonate deeply with parents navigating the beautiful, yet challenging path of raising a family.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to foster parent well, so let's jump in. Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast.
Speaker 1:
In this episode, we're going to be talking about the dynamics in marriage within the context of parenting and foster care and adoption. We are not created to do life alone. We are meant for community. In Genesis, god created Adam, but God saw that Adam needed help, so he created a helper for him Eve, and, whether it is marriage or other types of community, we need to be able to rely on the gifts of others in order to thrive in our own purpose. We should be doing life with other people. The dynamics of marriage, though, specifically in parenting, are different than other relationships. You are living in close proximity to one another and really able to see each other's flaws, and you should hopefully share a voice in the way that your household works and how you parent. Today I'm grateful to be speaking with my good friend, jennifer Haynes. Jennifer's been on the podcast before, but she has such wisdom to share when it comes to marriage. Jennifer is married to her high school sweetheart, stephen, and they have seven beautiful kids together. So, jennifer, welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 2:
It is joy to be here. Anytime I can be in the same space with you fills my heart. So I feel a little bit of pressure that I need to add something to what you already bring to the world. But I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 1:
So Jennifer is like my partner in crime. She is everything that I am not Like. I will research and look at the science behind everything until my brain runs dry. Jennifer is all things implementation. She is joy. She just brings so much fun to her family, and so I love the two of us when we have the opportunity to come together. Bing and bing right, that is right, all right. So, jennifer, tell me a little bit about your family and how you got involved with foster care and adoption.
Speaker 2:
Okay, I am married to the real Prince Charming. We have seven kids, and if he would hear he would tell you, because I can't keep my hands off of him, so adorable. But when he's not around, I say I have eight kids, the one I married and the seven we have together. So you know, it's all your perspective, right, that's right, that's right. I love that. So we have four biological kids and three adopted kids. Our biological kids have pretty much flown the coop, and so our nest is kind of filled with our kiddos that need a little extra support. But we are thriving. I mean sometimes just surviving, but always working towards thriving.
Speaker 1:
That's awesome. How did you and your husband meet?
Speaker 2:
We are high school sweethearts. We actually met. We had met a little bit while I was in high school, because we went to rival high schools and he dated a couple of girls that were from my school, and so I always heard about how fun he was. And then, the summer after I graduated from high school, we ended up at the same event, and the rest is history. We've pretty much been inseparable for gosh 35 years. We've up at the same event, and the rest is history. We've pretty much been inseparable for gosh 35 years. We've been married for almost 31.
Speaker 1:
I love the two of you together and just how you talk about Stephen, how you talk about your husband, so I knew when we were going to have a podcast episode where we were talking about marriage. I knew that you were the person to talk about it, because I think you guys do this better than anybody that I know.
Speaker 2:
Thank you, that's a high compliment.
Speaker 1:
I know that you put marriage on the top of your priority list right. Especially as you're parenting kids from trauma. So why is that? What came about that made you say, hey, I want this to be a top priority family as a foundation.
Speaker 2:
My grandparents were married for a long time. My parents have been married for a long time. I think that as we moved around in our early marriage, we had to rely on each other super heavily because we didn't have a support system all the time. Sometimes we just had each other. And then, as our kids were born, I think God revealed to us that we had a responsibility to be a covering for them, that our bond that was sewn together with a reliance on the Lord really covered our kids and protected them, and so that became a very big priority to us. Not that we can do it on our own or that we're capable of that, but that we could come into a kind of a three-chord relationship with God in order to be that foundation for our kids.
Speaker 1:
How do you guys stay on the same page when it comes to parenting? Right? Because I think when you first get married like you're building a relationship with one another, but then, as you have children, as you bring children into your family, sometimes the dynamics change and your individual personalities and leanings come into play a little bit more. So how do you guys stay on the same page with both your marriage and your parenting?
Speaker 2:
I think having an understanding of what our gifts are, what we bring to the marriage and what we bring to our family, is really important. I am keenly aware that Stephen is thoughtful in his responses. He is wise, he's brilliant, he's literally like Mensa smart, he's literally brilliant. And I am more of fun loving. Let's just ditch it and have a party. I mean like we literally have something in our family called the theme night, where I go to the party store and buy like all of the things that have to do with a theme and we throw a party like it's somebody's birthday, even though it's not.
Speaker 2:
I think that he as we've had resources to allocate to the fun he's been incredibly generous with that. But on the other side, you know, like kind of a keystone in who we are as a couple, that I also lean into his wisdom and that he thinks things out, and so we have deep discussions where we, where we have to kind of make lists of what the priorities are when we're making a decision. I think the other thing that's been successful as a family is in our marriage is having meals together, and having meals together that don't have to do with stress. It's not a time where we talk about somebody's behavior, that we all have a voice at the table. There have been times in our family where it's been very formal and we've taken notes and we have these notebooks, but sometimes it's just about that intentional time where our kids get to see how we interact with each other, even if we're not getting along, that they see. That whole process, I think has been very valuable.
Speaker 1:
Oh, I love that and I love that you brought up like even when you're not getting along, because I think that that's so important for our children to see the real us, to see conflict in relationship is going to happen, but how do we walk through that Right, and and I think it gives them such a healthy perspective of what marriage should be Marriage is not without conflict. So I love what you mean, you and Prince Charming have conflict.
Speaker 2:
We are passionate people, like in the positive sense of it, and sometimes in the negative sense of it, so we bring it all. I mean, our relationship has always been that way and I think we learned early on that we used to fight in private Like we didn't want our kids to see that we were I don't know shame I don't know what it was, probably on my part because I knew I was probably wrong and I was going to have to recant some of the stuff that was said and done. But I think that we learned that it was okay to not get along all the time. That was pie in the sky. Our kids, even in their friendships, were not getting along all the time. They needed to see in relationship how to be loving and kind, even when you don't agree.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and I think that that puts a lot of responsibility on us. I mean, even as you're just talking, I'm like gosh. What responsibility does that put on you to make sure that you're modeling healthy confrontation right Instead of, I know, I kind of fly off the handle right? Me too on us as the parents, as the adults in the room, to make sure that we're doing a good job of modeling healthy confrontation with our children? Yes, because it's going to happen.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I mean, sure, you've got two people Early in our marriage. We had a therapist tell us, if you both agree, one of you is not needed. So oh, wow, you know that's pretty impactful to think that we bring different because we are so similar in our faith and so similar in the structure of who we are, but we come at life so differently that we really do have to listen to one another, because sometimes it is wise to be still and to think through things, and sometimes it's wise to have a party and we've got to figure out which one is. Which one is best in the moment.
Speaker 1:
I love that. I always talk about that in training too. I think it's um, when we train foster and adoptive parents and you have these couples that come to the table. I think it's always so interesting to see the dynamics of the people that the Lord brings together that usually there is one spouse that has one kind of personality type and another spouse that has a different personality type. I know that's true of my husband and I as well.
Speaker 1:
I always say like I jump off of every cliff that comes my way right. If there's any opportunity to get involved in something foster, care, adoption, whatever it is, it doesn't matter I am jumping off the cliff. And my husband is more prone to be cautious and reserved and to say no to two things. And so the Lord brings us together so that I keep him from sitting on the couch and he keeps me from jumping off of every cliff that exists Right. And so it's so interesting to see I love in trainings. When you go into trainings, you see that that dynamic is present in so many couples, but it's so needed to have both perspectives. I agree.
Speaker 2:
I agree.
Speaker 1:
Well, what kinds of things do you guys do to support one another, to make sure that each person has a voice and each person feels loved and valued and supported?
Speaker 2:
I think it comes through. I would say I would say three things. One is that we understand each other's temperaments. So I understand when he makes a decision or when he says something, I understand where that comes from and I can speak his language to say I agree with that, or have you thought of another perspective? And he understands my temperament as well. He understands that I'm going to make a more emotional decision and I'm going to look at things kind of through rose colored glasses sometimes, and that he needs to sometimes speak logic and wisdom into my world. So that we have a a respect for each other's temperament. I think is really really important.
Speaker 2:
And we, we study those things. You know, we study what an Enneagram means. We, we are real interested in that, like what makes us tick, and we don't use that as an excuse. Well, I'm just, you know, I'm a seven Enneagram, so I'm just not going to think through things Like that's not an excuse, like it has to be understanding why we do things and how we can complement each other through those things.
Speaker 2:
I think the other thing is is that we are highly committed to spending time alone. We structure our family time so that we spend a concentrated amount of time with our kids in the evening, but they go to bed, they go to bed and they are in bed and we are have some time alone. We're very, very not that that happens every day. As we introduce kids into our home we had to kind of adjust those things, but that's always. The goal is that we have time together every day to decompress, to hear about each other's day, and that we have a weekly date night, and sometimes that just means he brings home something for dinner. We eat on the porch by ourself.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes it means, we go out like whatever that is.
Speaker 2:
We have a weekly date night, very, very important, and our kids have gotten involved over the years on. You know what our date night looks like and how they can be a part of it. It's been very, very sweet and, I think, just a mutual respect and pouring into one another. Going back to what those love languages look like, what is it? How do you hear that I love you? Um, you know to me, um, stephen, we actually took the love language class very early on in our marriage and he raised his hand and he goes um, what if your wife is all the love languages? And I was like hey, I see that as a gift, Like you can do anything and I'm good with it. He goes no, it means I have to do all of it, and all of it well, like, well, I mean it's just how you look at it. But just knowing like, how do I speak your language and being intentional about it, I think has been a really big, important part of what makes us who we are.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, well, and then. So then, how do you intentionally invest in that other person? How do you invest in your time together and I know you said you know making sure that you have weekly date nights and time with each other but are there other things that you do to make sure that you're investing in that marriage?
Speaker 2:
I think like the nitty gritty of it is like, for example, stephen um really thrives on words of affirmation, so I don't understand Girl that's my love language too.
Speaker 1:
I love it.
Speaker 2:
He loves it and he's so smart and he's always thinking like high level, like he does you know million dollar deals all the time, like he's always. You know he's always thinking, he's always doing. He loves if he's bored he's doing in a Rubik's cube, like he's so weird, like why just rest? But he loves that, like a puzzle is his favorite, and so I don't understand that. And sometimes I sit in the hot tub with him. I have no clue what he's talking about. He's like going on and he knows so much about astronomy and how you know the Nephilim and all of these things, because he's super like he studies I mean we share the same Audible account and sometimes Audible will say, well, based on your selection, like oh, that's not my selection.
Speaker 2:
I'm kind of a historical fiction girl like this. That is not my idea, but I try very hard to ask questions and to not challenge him in an unkind way but to be a challenge to him. Well, can you explain that to me? If I wanted to explain that to the kids, how would I do that and really give a lot of time and attention to what interests him and reminding him that he is incredible, because this is truly the way. I feel like withholding nothing good, I think, is an important part of what we do as a couple. He withholds nothing good for me. My grandmother was my person. She just invested in me and she passed away. It's been almost five years ago. Her birthday was just a couple of weeks ago and Stephen showed up with this ginormous bouquet of flowers just to honor the feelings that I was going through and missing her.
Speaker 2:
He's very intentional with what I love and what I care about and he just withholds nothing good from me and I try to do that in return for him.
Speaker 1:
I love that withholding nothing good from one another and the word intentionality right that you guys are just very intentional to see that other person and to make sure that they know that they are loved, which is just amazing. So how does having a strong marriage make parenting with kids with trauma easier? If anything makes it easier, if anything makes it easier.
Speaker 2:
I think that we've always known we had each other's back, yeah, and I think that we could tag each other in and out. I think we've been able to say, hey, you need a break, like you need a walk, you need a bubble bath, you need something to reframe and to be able to step in and help each other. And I think that sometimes we get into a habit of commiserating in our time together. Sometimes we'll go okay, that's enough talking about the kids. We're on the same page. This is hard. We've tried to come up with a way to run away. It doesn't look like it's going to work, so let's figure out how we're going to do this.
Speaker 2:
That's right. I think we hold each other accountable to our gifts, because I often feel like, like you said, jumping off a cliff, oh, we can do anything. You know we can, this is going to be great. And then I realized, whoa, this is super scary and I probably should have like hitched a rope to something before I jumped off. And he's like I got you because I saw you're going to do that and I did hook you up to something. So I think leaning in when we're weak and being vulnerable with each other is really important.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I love that you brought that up too, because I think you know our tendencies to jump off the cliff, or, and Bruce was much more cautious as we walked forward, you know, really thinking through and praying through each step of the process, and when we, when we actually began, I panicked and I'm like, oh no, we can't, we can't do this, this is too hard. And and he was much more steady because he had already processed through those things and so we could lean on each other in that. So I'm glad that you brought that up too, because I think those of us that do have the personality to jump off of the cliffs right, we need those steady partners to kind of calm us when we panic after we've jumped.
Speaker 2:
I've often said I get to my end of my rope and he's there going. I got you, babe, like I knew you're coming here, so it's a sweet, it's very sweet. But I also feel like he models for our kids. Not only am I their mother, but I'm his wife. Yeah, so if you're being disrespectful, it's not that you've been disrespectful to your mom, you've been disrespectful to my wife.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
So I feel like he is a protector of me in that way.
Speaker 2:
And then in turn, I can make sure that our kids have that respect for what he brings to the table. Like your dad is so wise, he's already thought through that. Like you know, we need to give dad what he has earned as far as respect goes. So I think in that way, I think we've communicated to our kids like we're on the same team. Like you cannot, don't I actually remember cause our, our, um, our bio kids. Like that has been a theme the whole time. Like don't ask me something, don't like the answer, and ask dad. Like that's never been tolerated. And as we got kids in our family whose survival skills required them to gain constituency, our bio kids were like ultimate sin. Did mom tell you no and you asked dad oh my gosh, this is not okay. But working through that has been really important. We are on the same team. Like we might have to retreat to discuss, but whatever we come at you with is we're a united front and I think that's a positive thing for kids.
Speaker 1:
Oh, I agree. I think that that can actually bring so much safety felt safety to our children because ultimately, kids need parents to be in control so that they are safe. They need to learn that they can trust you know safe adults to care for them and with you guys being a united front, it is more of a safety net. It's a bigger safety net than the two of you being divided.
Speaker 2:
But I think that other people I mean, that's how we do it in marriage but you and I have met some extraordinary single moms or single dads in our career as training, and you can accomplish that same thing with your community, with the people that you rely on. So I feel like we have it in our home. But I know a lot of successful single parents that accomplish the very same thing just through a different avenue.
Speaker 1:
Oh, I completely agree. I think any of these things that we're talking about today can be accomplished with single parents that are parenting with community. I think we all need community, and with us. I mean, I see the dynamics between you and I kind of in that way too. I think that's why we're such good friends, because we have different personalities that have different strengths, and we can lean on and rely on each other for wisdom in the things that we bring to the table, in the same way that you would in your marriage. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. I think that's awesome. Have there been times where your marriage has suffered because of this ministry that you're in?
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. I mean, we have definitely, because you don't do any of this in a vacuum. Sometimes you're parenting kids, there's a job loss, there's a funeral to go to, there's money strains, there's something going on with another child. It just sometimes seems to all fall at the same time and I think our natural, or my natural way of dealing with that is sometimes retreat and to go into myself and try to figure it out on my own. And I think that Steven and I have fallen into times where we've retreated separately and we're not as strong that way. And so I think that there have definitely been times where and also we're not perfect people Like we're parenting from our own insecurities or our own shame or what we've experienced, and sometimes our kids have a tendency to really prick that and to really expose that and that seems so tender and so vulnerable that it makes us kind of claw at what's going on. And so I think you claw at the person that's the closest to you sometimes.
Speaker 2:
And so Stephen and I we've definitely and more me than him, I always admire him and I've told him so many times, I'm always coaching you on how to be more emotional. You should think about sending me a card? Or did you think about sending me a sweet text? Or did you see that I got all the laundry done and you didn't even say anything about how good it smelled? Like you know, I've kind of coached him on these things but never has he said to me you know, if you were smarter, life would be so much better. Like, if you could only do geometry a little faster or if you could do our taxes at a better level, our marriage would be better.
Speaker 2:
Like he's never required me to bring what he brings, but he's always been so open to bring more of what I need and I admire him for that so much. Because I can't be smarter. Like I can't think the way he does, and sometimes he's super clunky at it. You know he's like in the laundry room going wow, that's a lot of laundry that you did today. You know like sometimes he's super clunky at it. He's in the laundry room going, wow, that's a lot of laundry that you did today Sometimes it's so endearing to me because I know he's trying.
Speaker 2:
So it's those moments where I think we are the best is when we were hurt and we're vulnerable and yet we trust each other. And that's only because of time and because we've been through so much. I know he's going to be there and I want to always for him to know that I am too.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, what do you think? What do you think about foster families that are going through the process? I mean, we see this often in training foster, uh, a couple that's going through training for foster care to become foster or adoptive parents um, that are not on the same page when it comes to foster care and adoption.
Speaker 2:
Honestly, I mean I would just put a break on it. Yeah, I, I really would. That would be my counsel, because if I say and I know you would say this too this is hard, there's not even a word. Sometimes, when you're doing a deep Bible study and they take a word in Greek or Hebrew and say there's not really a translation for that, there is not a translation for the word hard. In the foster care world it is so hard, and if you're fighting against something else, it's almost an impossible hill to climb.
Speaker 1:
Yep, yep, I agree. I mean, like we were just talking about. I think that there are lots of incredible single foster parents that walk through this on their own, but I think it's a completely different story if you're walking in opposition with your spouse.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think my counsel would be it's not a no, but it's not a not yet. I would retreat and work and you're never going to have enough money or time to have kids. That's not a thing.
Speaker 1:
Right, right right.
Speaker 2:
But making sure that you have a level of trust to hold something so very heavy that you're both going to have to hold. I love Brene Brown. I'm a big studier of Brene Brown and I have heard a lot of her wisdom, and one of the things she says is sometimes you have to have a conversation because to say marriage is 50-50 is so crazy. Sometimes you just have to say, okay, I got 20%, and your partner have to say, okay, I got you, I can spot you the rest of it. Today, I got 80%. So we're we're complete. But you have to be able to know that it's it ebbs and flows all the time, that it's rarely that 50, 50, and to be okay with that and to be, um, to be able to communicate with each other, what you need, I think it's very, very valuable. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:
Well, what are some key points for listeners to take away as they work to build stronger homes in regards to their marriage? Like how can people start today right to be better parents to their kids from hard places by investing in their marriage?
Speaker 2:
I think, going back to those three things that I said to begin with, just understanding the temperament of the person you're married to, to be committed, to spending time together, one-on-one, and also just to have some fun it can't all be serious, just silliness is so, so important to relationship.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I love that. Well, jennifer, thank you so much for being on the podcast today. I love you friend.
Speaker 2:
You are just amazing. Your voice in this space is so valuable and just to be around you is so humbling to me. You are amazing.
Speaker 1:
Aw, thank you. You are way too kind to me. I love you so much. Thank you all for joining us today. If you are enjoying this podcast, be sure to leave a rating and review. It would certainly help us out. And be sure to share it with your friends and foster care or adoption communities. And be sure to share it with your friends and foster care or adoption communities. I would also love to connect with you. You can find me on Instagram at Nicole T Barlow, or you can visit my website at NicoleTBarlowcom, where I talk about health and self-care for foster care and adoptive parents. My goal is for us to support one another as we foster parent. Well, let me pray for us to support one another as we foster parent. Well, let me pray for us. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the goodness and the design of your creation. You created community and relationships for our good. Bless our marriages, lord. Strengthen our relationships and help us to model love from you, jesus. We love you. We trust you In Jesus' name, amen.