Foster Parent Well
Jump into "Foster Parent Well with Nicole T Barlow," where the adventure of Christian foster and adoptive parenting gets a little easier, a lot more joyful, and deeply fulfilling. Nicole's here with a mission: to guide you in parenting with a heart full of steadfast faith, unshakable endurance, and infectious joy.
This podcast is your cozy nook in the vast world of parenting, blending laughs, learning, and lots of love. It’s where self-care meets faith-filled encouragement, and mindset shifts help you navigate the rollercoaster of fostering and adopting. For every parent out there looking to refill their emotional and spiritual tanks, Nicole's got you covered with stories, tips, and expert advice that speak directly to the soul of a Christian foster or adoptive parent.
With "Foster Parent Well," it's like sitting down with a good friend who gets it—the highs, the lows, and everything in between. Nicole dives into the unique challenges and beautiful moments of parenting children with trauma, all while reminding you that taking time for yourself isn't just nice; it's essential for providing the stable, loving home these kiddos need.
So, why not make this journey together? Join Nicole and a vibrant community of faith-driven parents, all dedicated to transforming their lives and the lives of their foster and adopted children. Tune into "Foster Parent Well with Nicole T Barlow" for your weekly dose of encouragement, laughter, and wisdom. Hit subscribe, and let's start fostering and adopting with faith, endurance, and a joy that lights up the room.
Foster Parent Well
The #1 Rule of Foster Care- It's Not About You
It's not about you- and that's a good thing.
As we observe National Foster Care Month, I delve deep into the heart of foster parenting and adoption, confronting the misconception that this path is a means to fill our voids, and instead, frame it as an opportunity to pour out our love for children in need, a true embodiment of selfless service.
Throughout our conversation, the contours of foster care and adoption take shape as a transformative experience that molds us into the likeness of Jesus, through the trials we face and the sacrifices we make.
I invite you to reflect on what fuels your commitment to this ministry and to connect with me, sharing your tales of triumph and tribulation. Together, let's seek solace and strength in a prayer for resilience, as we honor our sacred duty to our children and affirm our resolve to give, not just to receive, in this profound act of servitude.
5 Day Smoothie Detox Challenge:
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/rounds/5day-smoothie-detox?aid=nicolebarlow
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to foster parent well, so let's jump in. Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast.
Speaker 1:I first want to say that I normally post a podcast every Tuesday. However, last week I was super sick and did not post anything. Today is actually the first day that I've been out of bed in a week. It was not fun, especially since it was Mother's Day weekend and there were lots of baby showers and graduation parties. I had to miss it all. But I'm back to real life today and feeling much better Still a bit of a lingering cough, but it's so much better than what it has been. I used to get sick a lot, but since I kicked off my health journey a little over a year ago, it doesn't happen all that often anymore. I'm thankful for that. But in this busy season in the month of May when, as moms, we have 10 million things going on. It's so important that we are taking care of our health. Because of that, I have a five-day smoothie detox challenge that starts this coming Monday, may 20th. It's going to help us flood our bodies with micronutrients and to kick off our summer in the right direction. It's $20 for the week and you get access to our app and bonus online trainings throughout the week, so I'd love for you to join me.
Speaker 1:May is also National Foster Care Month. It's the time to spread awareness about what foster care is and the need that exists for children to be in families. If you are a current foster family, or even if you aren't, this is a great season to highlight the needs of kids in care and to share with others how they can get involved. I want to talk today about why people get involved, and it may get a little controversial, but I promise my intentions are good. So I heard an interesting comment a couple of weeks ago. The person said why would anyone do this? Speaking of foster care, it's not the first time that I've heard this comment, or I mean, I often get it as a question, so like why would you do this? But it hit me a little differently this time. This time it was coming from someone that was actually looking to become a foster parent.
Speaker 1:I think when people get involved in the process, many are surprised to learn what foster care really is and what it really looks like. What I see is that so many people, when they step up, they're often seeking a way to fill their own cup. Maybe it's because they want to do something good, maybe they want to feel good about themselves and what they've done in the world. I mean, on some level don't we all want that? Or maybe they want children and are unable to have them, or they just want more children to fill their home. I think that's pretty common too. The one thing that all of these reasons have in common is that ultimately, they are about the parent.
Speaker 1:It's human nature to be selfish, to only think about our own needs, and in our culture today, I think this is emphasized even more. The do what's best for you or you got to think about you mentality and that type of messaging is everywhere. Don't get me wrong. I believe that God can use these things to bring us to the table, especially before we realize what we're really getting into, and I believe that we need to take care of ourselves and place our own well-being as a priority. If we don't, we won't be good for anyone else. But that is different than the idea of filling our own cup being our ultimate why. Foster care is just not going to do that. I mean truly nothing will really do that except Jesus. But foster care and adoption were actually set up for just the opposite of that. The whole concept is about emptying your cup so that someone else gets what they need.
Speaker 1:When anyone steps into foster care, it's important to understand what it's really like and why you're doing it, and the number one rule is it's not about you. It can't just be about you. Your why can't be about you? If it is, you're not going to last very long. Foster care is hard and that really is the understatement of the year. One of my previous guests, jennifer Haynes, said it best when she said there isn't really a good language translation for this version of hard. There's not really a word for hard in this sense and you can't really know until you experience it, and those of you who are already serving in this way, I mean you understand. The reality is this the system is not always super kind to parents, to foster parents, and I'm not saying that individuals in the system are always unkind to foster parents, but the way the system is set up does not really give much consideration to the foster parent at all. The system doesn't take into account your feelings, doesn't care about your life goals and even many times it doesn't take into account your daily schedule. In foster care, you are the servant, and that's a good thing. We just aren't used to that in our culture.
Speaker 1:As a Christian, we are called to die to self. We are called to value others above ourselves. We're meant to take up our cross daily and to follow the example of Christ, who gave everything for others. But that's a really hard concept for most of us, I mean even within the church. I know I have been to some churches that give the message of dying to self or taking up your cross, but then they pull it back just a hair to make it more palatable. So they will say you know you need to take up your cross daily and die to yourself, but don't go to extremes. Right, and I'll tell you, foster care and adoption is the extreme. It is. And ultimately I do think that it's what we're called to. We're called to actually lay down our lives for others. So if we know that that's what we are called to do, then why do we struggle so much in laying down our lives for other people? Just my opinion. But I think in our culture these days it teaches that we can have it all. We can have the American dream and follow Christ. I mean, you know, if we face an obstacle like infertility, we just need to go a different direction to get what we want.
Speaker 1:But I'm going to say something that may be super hard for some of you to hear and it may seem harsh, but I don't mean it that way. Hear and it may seem harsh, but I don't mean it that way. So please hear me when I say this with the best of intentions and all the love and grace in the world. Foster care and adoption are not a cure for infertility. I know that's not politically correct and I may be dashing some dreams here, but foster care and adoption cannot heal your loss and grief.
Speaker 1:Adoption and having biological children are not the same. All children that come to you through foster care and adoption will have loss, they will have trauma. It doesn't matter if they're toddlers or newborns or teenagers. You will have to parent them differently. You will have to share affections that that child may have for their biological family. You will have to help them navigate grief and loss and the loss of their innocence and trust, and many biological children just don't have to navigate that early in life. It's not the same and that may sound hard, but I'm telling you it's not the same.
Speaker 1:Is it a journey that's filled with joy? Absolutely. Is it one of the most beautiful things that I've ever been a part of? Yes, it is amazing. It is an amazing privilege and an honor to get to raise these little people. It is. Is my house filled with kids and laughter and love? Yes, most days it is. But my house is also filled with rages and chaos and screaming and hardship. It's full of kids working super hard to heal from things that they had no control over. It's full of questions about where they come from and why they're with us and it's filled with lots and lots of tears.
Speaker 1:An infertility journey or a desire to feel good about ourselves may initially bring us to the table, but it's just not enough to pull us through the hard stuff. But, christ, if we can, by the grace of God, lay down our own desires and fully submit to the will of God as we step in to do the things like caring for the orphan and the widow. I know I have seen that he will give you more than you can possibly ask for. So here's four things that we can do to set ourselves up for endurance and a clean heart that is guided in the right direction. And the first one is pray. Consider your motives. Ask him to search your heart and create the desire to serve others fully and with joy. Our hearts are so deceitful. Even when we think we are doing things for the right reasons, we can quickly drift into having other, more selfish motives really fast.
Speaker 1:I saw this so clearly in our first placement. I was an advocate for mom. I fought for her and her kids. I love her, I love her kids, her kids. I love her, I love her kids. But when somebody asked us the first time about the potential of becoming an adoptive placement for those boys so the talk turned from reunification to potentially them needing an adoptive home my own desires became something that I had to contend with regularly. It's like as soon as that was mentioned, that desire swelled up in me and it was something that I had to continuously pray over and fight against, just to make sure that I was still advocating for mom. I was still advocating for reunification and for the boy's best interests, without my interest getting in the middle of it.
Speaker 1:In the midst of this, I read a quote in a book. The husband said to his wife we did not get into this to covet other people's children. And that hit me right in the gut. I go back to that often. I go back to that quote often that I can't be in this ministry, I can't be in foster care and even adoption. I can't be in it to covet other people's children. We would never do that on the playground, right. If we went on the playground and we saw a parent even a parent that wasn't doing a great job, our first reaction is not, hey, we should take those kids home and we would be better parents for them, right. But I think things get a little more cloudy when the kids are living with us on the day-to-day and we are doing the daily parenting. But the end is the same they're not ours. Until the Lord gives us that answer, right. Until termination occurs, until we have the chance, the opportunity to adopt, nobody's given them to us and so we can't seek that out. We have to stay in a position of humility and trust and keep our hands open-handed, I mean, even after adoption occurs. I think we have to keep that open-handed posture that these children are the Lord's and we need to trust Him with what is going to happen with their hearts and with our own.
Speaker 1:The second thing is, I think we need to process our losses when necessary. Maybe this life isn't the fairy tale that you had in mind. Maybe infertility is part of your story. That doesn't mean that foster care and adoption are not for you. It just means you need to process that loss before you take this on. Maybe this journey is harder than you expected and there are days that you want to give up. Process that loss, the loss of ease, the loss of the American dream, the loss of comfort. Take the time to grieve what you thought this would be, and I think we also have the opportunity in that to educate others on what foster care and adoption are really like. I think, the more that we sugarcoat things within the community one I think it becomes hard to support one another as foster and adoptive parents. But two I think that we perpetuate that cycle of this fairy tale ending idea that so many people have when they first come to the table. And so I think we can talk to people about, you know, the losses that we've experienced, about the hardships that we experience, and at the same time, we can talk about the beauty and the grace that comes with this life as well.
Speaker 1:The third thing that we can do is to be proactive about taking care of ourselves. That means taking care of your body eating well, getting exercise, drinking plenty of water, getting plenty of rest all of those things trying to manage stress the best that we can y'all and I know that one's hard but we can take care of our bodies, we can take care of our mind, making sure that we are meditating on God's truth, making sure that if we need to go to therapy, if we need to process certain losses, that we're doing that to keep our minds in the place that they need to be. And we need to take care of our soul. We need to make sure that we are in church, we are in prayer, we are surrounded by Christian community that are going to build us up and encourage us in the Lord, and we need to make sure that we are in relationship and leaning into the Lord every single day, every day all three of these things taking care of your body, your mind and your soul every day these things need to be a priority for you. Make yourself a priority so that you have something to give to others.
Speaker 1:And then the last thing is to practice gratitude. You have been called to something extraordinary and God is working all of this hard, all of these challenges, all of these losses, for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. This hard, this beauty, this privilege is making you look more and more like Jesus, is making you look more and more like Jesus. We can practice pouring out all that we have for the good of others as we seek to be more like him. I would love to know what initially brought you into foster care and adoption and what keeps you in it, what helps you stay committed to serving children and families. Find me on Instagram at Nicole T Barlow and let me know, or there is a new fun button in the show notes where you are able to message me directly, and I will also put in the show notes a link to my five-day smoothie challenge in case you want to join me.
Speaker 1:Let me pray for us as we wrap up today. Lord Jesus, help us walk this path. Search our hearts, lord. Create in us clean hearts. Oh God, help our motives be to lay down our lives and to serve others. Help us take up our cross lives and to serve others. Help us take up our cross, this heavy, heavy cross of other people's burdens. Lord, help us to take that up, not in our own strength, but in yours. Give us the strength to do that. Comfort us as we comfort others, lord, and help us to walk this journey with integrity and heart. We love you. We trust you In Jesus' name, amen, thank you.