Foster Parent Well

Calm in the Eye of the Storm: Strategies for Foster and Adoptive Parents

• Nicole T Barlow • Season 1 • Episode 12

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Navigating the stormy waters of foster and adoptive parenting with grace and strength is no small feat. Join me, Nicole T Barlow, as I share  experience as a mother of six, the transformative power of maintaining calm and regulation in the face of our children's trauma-induced turmoil.  I will give you seven key strategies  to a way to keep a sense of calm that is essential for guiding our children towards emotional balance and healing.

The landscape of parenting is dotted with unpredictable challenges, and it's essential to have an arsenal of tools to stay anchored. In this episode, I reveal the unsuspected efficacy of sensory techniques and small indulgences, like cold water splashes and dark chocolate almonds, to redirect our stressed minds and soothe our anxious hearts. Through personal stories and relatable insights, I'll show you how to embrace the detective role in understanding your child's needs and not take their emotional eruptions personally. With a special emphasis on the support of therapy and the embrace of community, we'll recognize the indispensable role of faith in weathering the storms within our homes, and the profound beauty in modeling repair and forgiveness for the little ones we hold dear.

Mentioned in this episode:

America’s Kids Belong-
https://americaskidsbelong.org/ 

Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot-
https://www.angel.com/tickets/sound-of-hope-the-story-of-possum-trot?utm_source=google-ads&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6auyBhDzARIsALIo6v-pbSyIWw5f4eP5-5pPwqCfXTtN42wS0DzN3IOJsV05txrTlhDuvK4aAsq6EALw_wcB

Nicole’s 6 Week Coaching program-
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=nicolebarlow 



Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to, Nicole T Barlow, if you're new to the podcast. I'm a foster and adoptive parent trainer and a mom to six, including five children that we adopted as a sibling group from foster care. I'm passionate about helping parents be the best parents that we can be to our kiddos, because the truth is, sometimes this parenting gig is hard and so often people just don't get it. But I do, and I wanted a community where parents felt seen and understood and where we talked about real-life tools and resources to help us as we do this hard work. So here we are In this episode. We're going to talk about how to stay calm in moments of chaos.

Speaker 1:

All of my kids have very different personalities and how they react to trauma and fear can vary based on each child, but in the mix of my crew I have several fighters. Do you have any fighters in your family. Generally speaking, there are three main ways that we respond to trauma we fight, we flight or we freeze. They've also added a F-A-W-N response, but today we're going to stick with the big three fight, flight and freeze. In addition to our kids' survival responses, we also tend to have a primary survival response. I am, for sure, a fighter. There are times when I'll go into freeze mode when life in general just gets overwhelming or chaotic, but in general my survival response is to fight back when our kids become dysregulated. Many times it can pull us in to be dysregulated as well. So it's important that we understand how to calm our own nervous system so that we can be a calming influence over our kids. If we can be calm and our heartbeat and our breathing is steady, it can help our children get back to a more regulated state. But if we aren't calm, if we are in our own survival response, it's only going to intensify the chaos.

Speaker 1:

Last night I went to go see a private screening of a new movie that comes out on July 4th. It's called Sound of Hope the Story of Possum Trot. It's produced by Angel Studios and our local division of America's Kids Belong, georgia Kids Belong hosted a screening in order to promote the upcoming movie release. The movie is based off of a true story about a church that adopted 77 kids from foster care in their area. I wasn't really sure what to expect from the movie, except that it would most likely promote and highlight people, specifically people in the church, getting involved in foster care and adoption.

Speaker 1:

The one area that surprised me the most, though, about the movie itself was that they showed the parents struggling. They showed the parents getting dysregulated and reacting in the moment instead of always giving this reflective, calm, discerning response, and I thought this made the movie seem so much more real. How many times in movies, right, specifically movies about adoption and foster care and that kind of stuff do the parents always give this perfect, like curated response, right? And it's just not real life. I mean, as parents, we don't always respond how we should. We are human and we are susceptible to our own survival instincts kicking in and trying to keep us safe, but we need to learn how to regulate our own nervous system so that we are able to respond more often to what our child needs in the moment, instead of reacting based off of our own survival state. So today.

Speaker 1:

I have seven ways that we can work to stay calm in the moment. The first one is to be proactive. Most of what prepares us for a moment of chaos is the many moments that come before the chaos, lots of times. Once that chaos hits, once a child starts melting down, you don't have much time in order to regulate yourself right, and so we have to prepare ourselves ahead of time, much like we do our kids. If we want to set our kids up, if we want to empower them to have a good day, to be able to respond the way that they should, we're going to make sure that they get a good night's sleep. We're going to make sure that they're drinking plenty of water, that they're getting nutritious food, that they're getting plenty of movement in. Well, the same is true for us. You have to remember that your oxygen mask needs to go on before you can help your child with theirs.

Speaker 1:

So, in terms of regulating our own system, we need to make sure we're getting our own basic needs met. That means we need to make sure that we are getting seven to nine hours of sleep most nights. I know that this isn't always easy and it's not always possible. Sometimes it's just not possible. But if at all possible, we need to set ourselves up for success. We need to try to go to bed a little earlier. We need to turn off Netflix right. We need to put down the book that we're reading or whatever. We need to be able to disconnect and let our body get the rest that it needs. We need to drink half of our body weight in ounces of water every day. We need to make sure that we're staying hydrated. Dehydration, even mild dehydration, will send your body into a survival state. We need to make sure that we're eating every couple of hours and to make sure that we are eating good, nutrient-dense foods that are going to fuel our body well.

Speaker 1:

I'm big on tracking macro nutrients. That means I track the amount of carbs, proteins and fats that I eat each day to make sure that I'm getting enough fuel for my body. Most women are severely lacking in protein intake, so, generally speaking, women should be getting somewhere around 100 grams of protein. Depending on your weight and individual needs, for some women it may be much higher than that. For some women it may be a little less, but it generally is around that 100 grams of protein mark. The average woman gets about 46 grams of protein a day. That's nowhere near where most women should be. So we need to make sure that we're prioritizing protein, that we're making sure that we get enough of it in our diet to fuel our body.

Speaker 1:

Well, fiber intake is also the other thing that often we miss out on. Fiber is huge for gut health and mental health. Women generally should be getting about 25 grams of fiber a day. Men usually it's about 35 grams of fiber a day. So if you aren't sure that you're getting enough of the right things, start by tracking it on an app like MyFitnessPal, which is free, and you can start to see where you can improve on your nutrition. And I know, you guys, that Tracking your nutrition may not seem important in the grand scheme of things, as you're looking at your kids' needs and often our kids have so many needs that are really, really important, that are really pressing. But if we don't start with our own nutrition, with our own health, then we're not going to be who our kids need us to be in their moments of chaos. In my six-week coaching program, we spend quite a bit of time on fueling our bodies well, because it's so crucial to being able to be a calm, patient parent that our kids need.

Speaker 1:

The second part of this being proactive thing is really making sure that we're getting regular movement, in that we're moving our body on a regular basis. It means that we are walking or running. It means that we are lifting weights or strength training in some sort of a way. My daily walk is a non-negotiable. Every single day I'm going to get a walk in, and some days it may be a quick walk on the treadmill. I prefer longer walks outside the sunshine. The fresh air can do so much for our nervous system and also that walking, that rhythmic motion, can be great to help regulate our nervous system as well. So making sure that you get things like that in Strength training, building our muscle mass, is critical to our overall health and we need to be at our best for our kids.

Speaker 1:

As women, we tend to undereat, especially if we're trying to lose weight or we're trying to have body changes or whatever. And our kids are watching that. You guys, our kids are watching how we take care of our health, and if we're undereating, if we're not fueling our bodies with enough of the right foods, then you can almost guarantee that it's going to be really hard to be that patient parent that we need to be in the moments of chaos. So number one be proactive. Make sure that your body is being empowered by getting the nutrients, by getting the water, by getting the sleep and the movement that it needs each day. Even if we fueled our bodies well and gotten plenty of sleep and are well hydrated, it can still be a challenge to stay calm in the moment.

Speaker 1:

So my number two tip is to pray when you see things start to go off track. If you see a child start to get dysregulated, they start to get frustrated, they start to get upset just take a quick second and pray, ask the Lord for wisdom, ask the Lord to guide you, ask the Lord to give you discernment and ask the Lord to be able to help keep you calm, to have self-control in that moment. Self-control is something that comes from the Spirit and so we can ask for that in the moment when we need it. Just ask the Lord for wisdom and to be able to see what your child needs, just really quick, as you head into that interaction. The third thing is to drink water in the moment. So this allows you a moment to give your body something that it needs. I think it's a good reminder for our system that we're being taken care of, we are safe, we are getting what we need, but it also helps calm our nervous system in the moment. I will often ask one of my other kids to go grab my water for me while I sit with the dysregulated child. Sometimes I'll ask them to get the dysregulated child's water as well. That way we can sit together, have a sip of water and help calm our system before we start any kind of talking or interaction.

Speaker 1:

Number four is to turn on music. I love a good worship song to help calm me down in tough moments. I told you that I have several kids that are fighters and so a lot of times the way that it comes out in them when they're dysregulated is screaming. I have a lot of screamers in my house, you guys. It can be very, very loud. My watch has a loud environment setting that goes off pretty regularly. But one of the things that helps me in those moments is I try to sit with the dysregulated child to help co-regulate with them.

Speaker 1:

But one of the ways that I often keep myself calm in those moments is to turn on worship music. It helps to regulate your nervous system when you sing, but I think, specifically singing worship is so powerful in these moments. First of all, I think on a spiritual level, it just does something to be able to praise God in the midst of your heart, but it also reminds me of truth. It reminds me of what's important. It reminds me that I'm safe and that God is in control, and that it reminds me that there is a spiritual battle that we're facing, that the enemy is not flesh and blood, but rather something much bigger trying to take over our family and our home. I have a great playlist. If you need one, just DM me on Instagram at Nicole T Barlow, and I will send it to you. I think that music, though, can be very regulating for us in the moment. It can also be regulating for our kids. So sometimes I will listen to my AirPods just so that I can hear the music, but other times I'll just play it on my phone so that the child can hear it as well, because a lot of times that will help them regulate and calm down too.

Speaker 1:

All right, the fifth thing is breathing and heart regulation. A couple of years ago, we bought a couple of the Pulse Ox finger monitors. A lot of times I'll put one on my finger and one on the other child's finger, and we'll create a little race in taking deep breaths and trying to bring down our heart rates. Sometimes, though, the child's not in a state where they're even regulated enough to be able to do that, and so I will just watch my heart monitor on my watch, and I will personally try to take some deep breaths to bring down my own heart rate. Either way, taking data inventory of what my body is doing in the moment helps take me out of the moment. It helps take me out of what's going on and concentrate on making sure that my system is regulated at that time, and then number six is to shake it up.

Speaker 1:

Try something out of the norm. So maybe it's splashing your face with a little cold water, or grab an ice cube. This can help ground you, and it can help your brain refocus on the ice and the response that your body has to the cold versus the circumstance and environmental triggers that are going on at the moment. It really helps your brain get reengaged. Or one time I grabbed a dark chocolate almond in the moment because I had heard or read somewhere that dark chocolate could help, and I ended up giving one to my child too. I was like, hey, my body really needs regulating in the moment, like I'm feeling a little anxious, and so I'm going to eat this dark chocolate almond because I read that it could help calm me down. Do you want a dark chocolate almond as well? And we can see if it works on you? And so she was very willing to try, and it did the trick. I'm not sure if it was actually the dark chocolate that did the trick or if it was just each of us getting out of the tension of the moment for a second that helped calm us down. Either way, it worked, and so I'm thankful for that. But try to step outside of the box. Try to do something different. Try to shake things up a bit so that you aren't just stuck there in the tension of the moment.

Speaker 1:

The number seven is to look for the need. Be a detective. Remind yourself that this is not about you and I'll talk about that in just a second, because generally I hate that phrase but use a phrase to remind yourself and your own brain that you're safe, that you're not in danger and that you're simply helping a child who is scared. What is it that your sweet child needs in the moment? If they were an infant and crying, you would need to determine the need in much the same way.

Speaker 1:

In this moment, your child may be struggling and need comfort or reassurance, or maybe they have a need and may just not be asking for it in a way that is straightforward and direct. How can you help them discover what they need and then help them communicate it better? So I know that looking for the need is hard when your child is dysregulated. They may be aggressive, they may be calling you names, and I know that it's not always helpful for someone to tell you not to take it personally. We were created for relationship, we were created for connection and our brains are created for survival. So when our brains sense danger, or even if it's not physical danger but emotional danger, because somebody is calling us a name or screaming at us, our brain doesn't know that it's a child and that the child doesn't understand what they're doing. So we are going to take it personally.

Speaker 1:

I don't think that there's any way that you can sit through being screamed at on a regular basis or being called names or a child that gets physically aggressive with you on a regular basis. I don't think that there's any way that you can sit through that and never take it personally, but I think we have to stay in a state of constantly reminding ourselves that this isn't about us. It's about going back to their trauma, reminding ourselves of what they've gone through, reminding ourselves that they are in a state of fear over and over and over again. I also think that it's really important you guys, if you need to, to get in therapy yourself so that you have a place to process sort of what this feels like. If you're having a hard time, you know, not taking everything that your child says personally, then maybe create a space, even with a spouse or a friend or a therapist right, that you can talk through those things with and kind of get it out, where you can have a space of connection with another individual. You can have a relationship with another individual where you can process some of those feelings, because the truth is, in those moments we do need to be able to step outside of ourselves and to be a detective, to figure out what our child needs and to be able to meet that need without getting offended all of the time. You can do this, hopefully, some of these tips were helpful and will help you stay calm in moments of chaos. But there's one more thing that I wanna say. Give yourself grace. You are human. You are gonna mess up. You aren't going to get this perfect every single time, and that's okay. It gives us an opportunity to model repair, to model asking for forgiveness from our kids. We can set that example for them as well.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for joining me today. If you're enjoying this podcast, please leave a review and share it with your friends, and I'd love to connect with you over on Instagram. You can find me at Nicole T Barlow. Let me pray for us as we close out.

Speaker 1:

Heavenly Father, I'm so thankful for a community of believers that can go walk this journey together, that can go through these hard things together, that we can support one another, that we can lift each other up, that we can encourage one another, lord, that we can remind each other of truth and who you are, that you are our protector. We don't have to act out of fear when we're dealing with chaos in our homes, lord. We can start from a place of trust, knowing that we are cared for, that we are seen, that we are heard, that we are safe, lord, help us look to you for every need, for all of our comfort. It's not going to be found in our circumstance, lord. Satisfaction is not going to be found here on this earth, lord. It can only be found in you. We love you. We trust you In Jesus' name, amen you.