Foster Parent Well
Jump into "Foster Parent Well with Nicole T Barlow," where the adventure of Christian foster and adoptive parenting gets a little easier, a lot more joyful, and deeply fulfilling. Nicole's here with a mission: to guide you in parenting with a heart full of steadfast faith, unshakable endurance, and infectious joy.
This podcast is your cozy nook in the vast world of parenting, blending laughs, learning, and lots of love. It’s where self-care meets faith-filled encouragement, and mindset shifts help you navigate the rollercoaster of fostering and adopting. For every parent out there looking to refill their emotional and spiritual tanks, Nicole's got you covered with stories, tips, and expert advice that speak directly to the soul of a Christian foster or adoptive parent.
With "Foster Parent Well," it's like sitting down with a good friend who gets it—the highs, the lows, and everything in between. Nicole dives into the unique challenges and beautiful moments of parenting children with trauma, all while reminding you that taking time for yourself isn't just nice; it's essential for providing the stable, loving home these kiddos need.
So, why not make this journey together? Join Nicole and a vibrant community of faith-driven parents, all dedicated to transforming their lives and the lives of their foster and adopted children. Tune into "Foster Parent Well with Nicole T Barlow" for your weekly dose of encouragement, laughter, and wisdom. Hit subscribe, and let's start fostering and adopting with faith, endurance, and a joy that lights up the room.
Foster Parent Well
Fostering Hope: Melissa Smallwood on Navigating Burnout in Foster Care and Adoption
Can fostering hope transform your life? Join us as we welcome the incredible Melissa Smallwood, a counselor, family coach, and former foster youth, who opens up about her powerful journey from middle school foster care to becoming a foster and adoptive mother.
Discover essential strategies to combat and prevent burnout in foster and adoptive parenting. Melissa stresses the importance of honesty about feeling overwhelmed, finding a supportive community, and accepting help. She discusses the necessity of adjusting expectations and the significance of self-care through nervous system care, prayer, meditation, and trauma-informed therapy. We wrap up with a sincere prayer, expressing gratitude for Melissa’s unwavering dedication and the invaluable resources she offers. Tune in for a conversation brimming with insights and practical advice aimed at renewing hearts and sustaining joy in the foster care journey.
Website: www.mendingheartscoaching.com
Instagram: @melissasmallwood
Facebook: facebook.com/melissasmallwoodwriter
Mending Hearts Network: https://shorturl.at/aAZIr
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want the first episode of season two and I am thrilled to be back I've enjoyed the summer. I've gotten some much-needed rest to be back. I've enjoyed the summer, I've gotten some much-needed rest and I've also had some time to really interact with some of you guys, to get to know who you are, to get to know part of your stories and to hear your feedback on the podcast from last season, and we are really kicking off season two with a bang.
Speaker 1:We are going to be speaking today with Melissa Smallwood. Melissa is a counselor and a family coach who has a passion for fostering hope for families. As a former foster youth, adoptive mom and foster parent educator, melissa uses her personal and professional experiences to bring hope and encouragement to parents and those working with trauma-affected kids and their families. When not working and teaching, melissa can be found on the beach with a book, or traveling with her husband of 27 years as they enjoy their semi-empty nest. We are going to be talking today to Melissa about avoiding burnout as moms and foster and adoptive parents. Welcome, melissa, we are so excited to have you on the podcast today, so tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got involved in the foster care and adoption world.
Speaker 2:Thanks, nicole, for having me. I'm excited to be here. My first introduction to foster care was entering the foster care system in middle school. I had confided in a counselor about some things happening in my home and, as a result, we were removed. I aged out, ran away and they couldn't find me of the system when I was a week away from turning 16, I became a very young mom. I got pregnant at 16 and had my first son when I was 17.
Speaker 2:I married my husband very young. I was 18 years old when we got married and I told him almost immediately that I wanted to foster and I wanted to adopt someday. I had wanted to adopt before foster care was ever a part of my story, just because I had been exposed to international adoption by friends of my parents. And so he always told me that when our biological kids were grown, then we could foster. And so the month that our youngest son graduated from high school, I scheduled us for foster care classes and he followed through with that promise and we became foster parents.
Speaker 2:I had already been parenting a trauma affected child, because my husband's son from a previous relationship had been removed from the care of his mom when he was almost six years old and I. Her rights were later terminated and I adopted him and that was way back in 1999. So I've been parenting trauma affected kids for a really long time. So I thought I was totally prepared for fostering. And we also had a daughter who had come to us as a pregnant teen and so I thought, between her, my son, and parenting her, I had this down. I'm now a mom of seven, and five of those children I have adopted I'm a Mimi to five, which is my favorite role in life.
Speaker 1:I can't wait for that stage.
Speaker 2:It is the absolute best. I can't wait for that stage. It is the absolute best and professionally I'm a trauma therapist and I coach, foster and adoptive families who are struggling in this journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's awesome. So when you felt the desire to foster or adopt, was it out of a place, because you had seen it done well, or out of the need, because you hadn't seen foster children treated well in the system?
Speaker 2:Both Okay. So my first placement was a group home and that was an incredibly negative, brightening, overwhelming experience at 12 years old. So that was my desire initially in fostering. I wanted to foster older kids who I knew if there weren't foster homes interested in their age group, went to places like that I had. In retrospect. I didn't recognize this until adulthood. If you had asked me when I was 17, 20, even 25, I would have told you foster care was a horrible experience. But as I aged, went through therapy and got some perspective, I did have a really good foster mom in one of my placements and I went back and thanked her years and years 30 years later for the impact that she had on my life, unknowingly, like I didn't even realize the ways that she had impacted me until years later.
Speaker 1:Wow, wow, that's awesome. Yeah, I think that we sometimes don't understand. I know for me, when I got into foster care, I thought all foster parents were great and that the foster care system this is going to sound funny, but the foster care system was set up to help kids and it is, I think, is, in its intention, right. But I think the longer I was in it, the more I was exposed to environments that are not good for kids, and I know several of my kids have been in several placements and some of those placements have been better than others, right, and so it can be really hard. And I mean even my home.
Speaker 1:I don't know how some kids perceive my home. I hope that they perceive it well and we still have relationship with a lot of our previous placements, good relationships and stuff. But you don't always know, based on how somebody is feeling towards their biological home and where they want to be and how they perceive you in the midst of that. So, as a foster or adoptive parent, I mean the work that we do, stepping into these environments you talked about. You know, thinking you were prepared and not actually feeling prepared when you got into it. How does that, the striving, the work that we have to do lead to burnout if we are doing it over long periods of time.
Speaker 2:Well, eventually, with foster parenting and adoptive parenting, there's so much pouring out. We're pouring ourselves into our kids and, in hopes of our love, helping to bind their wounds. It can't heal them, but it can help, and most of us that go into this we do it with that intention. We want to help kids, we want to make up for things that they've missed out on or lost, and we really can't do that, and so we're striving for something that's not achievable and our output begins to exceed our input. Things that we used to do without even really realizing that we were to care for ourselves fall to the wayside because we're so consumed with what's happening inside our homes.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's so much going on in foster, adoptive families. We're managing complex emotional needs and severe behavioral challenges. Sometimes there's insufficient support and resources available to us to help us help our kids, and then the resources that do exist demand that we jump through these time-consuming hoops and stay on hold for hours and it's frustrating and it's overwhelming and it results in this mental load from the bureaucracy of the system and the paperwork and the home visits and court, and it's just so all consuming. And then that impacts us, which impacts our family dynamics and our time for self-care and prioritizing maybe our marriage. It just leaves us feeling isolated, and all of that is a recipe for burnout.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. And don't you think that, as we're trying to do all of these things, I know for me the job of trying to keep all of my kids safe amidst each other and amidst their behaviors and some of their survival strategies? There's a lot of internal pressure, right, not even just in the physical work, but the stress load, I guess, that sometimes we experience because we feel this strong responsibility to keep our kids safe in a way that maybe they weren't before, but that can be very, very difficult when their survival instincts sometimes lead to things that make the households less than safe.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent, a hundred percent and and we feel responsible for fixing their behaviors and their lack of health, safety and these things that really we can't do, no matter how hard we try. So a lot of what we're pouring our effort into is actually futile and we're focusing on the wrong thing sometimes and I think that that definitely contributes to burnout.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I see that as well. Well, how does burnout you know like an internal feeling of burnout how does that affect our ability to parent?
Speaker 2:well, our ability to parent well. Well, our children experience us differently when we show up for them with a regulated and, you know, with a healthy nervous system, versus this burnt out, frazzled version of ourselves. We're less patient. We're more easily frustrated. We're more rigid. We're less patient. We're more easily frustrated. We're more rigid. Our expectations are more unrealistic and we're less responsive and engaged when we're experiencing a period of burnout, and so none of that is going to make our children feel psychologically safe. So we're trying to help them feel safe, but if we're showing up as a burnt out version of ourselves, it's virtually impossible for them to experience us as a safe mom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. One of the things that we've talked about on the podcast before is this mirroring thing, where our kids mirror our own internal temperature, right and, and so, as we're frazzled, right, it's a struggle for them to feel calm and safe in that presence, because that's not what we're bringing to the table.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I and I when we say those things, it can sound chastising to moms who are experiencing burnout right now, and I and I when we say those things, it can sound chastising to moms who are experiencing burnout right now, and I would never want that to be the message that comes across Like I have so much compassion for you if you are in a burnt out place, because I have been there.
Speaker 2:I have been that mom with all of my education and professional resources and lived experience. I have still been a burnt out foster and adoptive mom. So I have so much grace and compassion for you. But what we have to remember is that you know, our nervous systems and our brains are wired like our kids. They're wired to protect us too, and so when we're experiencing this barrage of chronic stress, our bodies and our brains are just doing their job and saying good heavens, like we are short circuiting here. And for me in those moments, just remembering that it doesn't have to be my strength, that's sufficient, it doesn't have to be my abilities that are going to make a difference in these children, and I really relied heavily on my faith in those moments of saying God, I have given all I have to give. If anything else comes from me, it has to come from you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it has to come from you. Yeah, well, and I think that's a great place for us to be in submission and dependence on God, to where we get to the end of ourselves. I mean, honestly, I think that's part of the reason he brought me to this ministry and this world. This adoption, foster care world is not necessarily for my kids. Even it was for me to experience that sort of dependence and intimacy with him, because I think it's grown my faith exponentially when I see him show up time and time and time and time again.
Speaker 2:Yep, and to constantly be reminded just of how much we rely on him for these things that you know the world gives us credit for. They look at us and say, oh, you're so wonderful. Oh, you know, you're amazing. I don't know how you do this. All glory to him, because I can't do this. I can't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I've actually found that that has been my biggest opportunity to share the gospel. You know, there is a verse that talks about be ready to share where your hope comes from. Before I got into foster care and adoption, nobody ever asked me where my hope came from. My life looked just like everybody else's. Nobody really asked me those questions.
Speaker 1:But when I got into this world, when I stepped into foster care and adoption, people asked me all the time why are you doing this? How can you do this? And I think it gives us such an opportunity to share the heart of God, to share the gospel and how it compels us to love other people, even when we're not enough. Right? Well, as a former foster youth, how might a child internalize a parent's burnout? Right, because we just talked about how, when we're burned out, we might not show up for our kids in the best way, we might be short-tempered, we might not have as much energy or might not be willing to connect with them as much. So how, from a child's perspective, how does a child see that struggle?
Speaker 2:So, unfortunately, and this is why it's so important for us to be aware when we're experiencing burnout and do something about it, because, unfortunately, kids internalize the symptoms of our burnout as something wrong with them, right, or as a lack of love for them or a lack of commitment to them. It makes them fearful that we're going to give up on them, and it's unfortunately they take it personally, which results in feeling unsafe from a psychological standpoint and it triggers their attachment issues and so their behaviors increase. They withdraw from us sometimes or they're incredibly clingy and needy out of response to our nervous system, and we're just going in this cycle of both of us pushing and pulling away from each other, and everybody ends up miserable and our homes become a place of chaos instead of safety.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and our brains, all of our brains, are kind of wired that way. You talked about this a minute ago about how, as adults, our brains are wired to keep us safe, right, and our kids, who are often, their nervous system is more heightened because of their past.
Speaker 2:They may be more hypervigilant and aware of those little changes in us, but all of us, I mean, are wired for this protection to where, when we sense something is off, then our protective mechanisms go up Right, because I remember feeling like I was too much, there wasn't anybody that could handle my feelings, my opinions, my wants and my needs and my desires when I was in care, and so it resulted in this need to feel like I had to clam up and minimize my feelings and perform to keep everybody happy with me, and you know which ended up with this serious eating disorder as a result, because feelings have to go somewhere, and it's a heavy burden for kids to carry that they're the cause of the problem, and especially when they're in the middle of dealing with the fact that their life has completely fallen apart.
Speaker 2:And so it's just important to remember that, yes, our nervous systems are wired to keep us safe too, but we are the adult, and so we are aware that that's happening, and and there are tools available to us to help us manage that in a way that still allows us to show up for these kids in a way that they don't walk away feeling like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that's really important that we can acknowledge that these things are happening and affecting us and feel, have grace towards ourselves, right, that our bodies are reacting in the same way, but also look for the tools to be able to, and the resources to be able to manage them so that, like you said, we can show up for our kids how they need us to show up for them. So what are some of the best ways for parents to work through these burnout symptoms or, you know, to avoid burnout altogether?
Speaker 2:Well, I jotted a couple down because this is something I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about helping moms thrive in the midst of foster and adoptive parenting, no matter the circumstances, because there's so much that is outside of our control, which can also make us feel unsafe psychologically, just like our kids do. So the first thing is to be honest with yourself. We just have to be willing to say I'm burnt out, I am at the end of my rope. There's nothing to be ashamed of about that. We are humans with finite capacities, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in saying whoa, this is all too much for me. I need to come up with a plan of how I can maintain longevity in this, because these kids need me.
Speaker 2:Number two is to find your people. Preferably in person, but online will do. We were not meant to live in isolation. We are wired for community. We're wired for connection, and when we connect with other foster and adoptive moms, we don't feel alone. It decreases our shame because we realize there are other moms feeling the exact same way. But we also meet people who may have been there before us and figured a way out and we can kind of draw each other out of the pit, so to speak. And so finding your people is just so incredibly important.
Speaker 2:The next one is to ask for and accept help. We don't have to do this alone, and people want to help us, but they can't read our minds and, especially if they are not involved in foster care, they don't know what would be helpful, and so it's okay to utilize respite, it's okay to ask the neighbor to come sit while you take a nap, like it's okay to have groceries delivered, like we don't have to do everything and we don't have to do it alone. You and I, before we started recording, we're talking about how that can get sticky in foster care, because sometimes we don't know what to share, like how, what's actually happening within the walls of our home what is safe to tell people, and that that in and of itself, can feel isolating, and that's why finding your people and asking them for support in those times the people that already know what it can look like and how hard and dark it can be sometimes we need to ask them to lift us up when we're experiencing these feelings of burnout.
Speaker 1:I think it's really important that we find those people. We find some people in the foster and adoptive community who really understand, because when you talk to your normal community, when you talk to your everyday community that doesn't have experience in foster care or adoption and they learn maybe some of the things that are going on in your home, their faces are going to go blank. They're not going to know how to respond Because I'll say something so unhelpful.
Speaker 2:Yes, like you don't have to do this. Yes, yes, and that is not what we need to hear in those moments. And and no, no, shame to them they don't know that, they don't understand that, um, they're trying to offer us a solution instead of support in that moment, but it's hard for people. Um, the next thing is knowing our, because there's a part of us as moms that wants to provide this experience for our kids that come from a trauma background that mirrors or mimics the experience we've given our biological kids. Like you know, when my biological kids were in kindergarten, I was the class mom and I chaperoned every field trip and I, you know, I did all the bake sales and the PTA and all those things. But as a foster parent, I did not have the capacity to be that mom anymore, and that is okay.
Speaker 2:And in those moments where we are stretching ourselves to be who we used to be, um, that is going to lead us quickly to burnout. We might not have the capacity to do that anymore and we have to give ourselves permission to let go of what is just too much in this season. And that doesn't make us any less of a mom. It doesn't mean we're providing any less of a healthy, happy home for our kids. In fact, we're probably doing a better job of that when we're not stretched too thin.
Speaker 2:And then, lastly, is caring for ourselves, and that doesn't mean bubble baths and, you know, pedicures although I love both of those things, I'm a girly girl. I mean nervous system care. I mean prayer and meditation. I mean therapy and you knew a therapist was going to say that. But so often our reactions to our kids' behaviors, to our kids' struggles, are filtered through the lens of how we were raised, what may have happened in our childhood, the expectations we had about what parenting would look like, our own traumas. And when we're showing up parenting through that filter, through that lens, it definitely can contribute to burnout. So therapy or coaching can help you work through some of those things and kind of get that out of the way in the parenting realm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have been a big fan of therapy. It's one of the things that I tell all of my foster and adoptive parents that are going through the process before they get placement find a therapist, you're going to need it, you're going to need it, you're going to need somebody that you can just talk to. And to find somebody either a therapist or a coach or somebody that understands trauma, because I think trauma informed has become a big buzzword and there are lots of therapists that still really don't understand trauma. And I think, as parents, if we're going to go talk to somebody and really lay it all out on the table, then we need to feel safe to do that and we need somebody who's going to understand the environment that we're in. Yes, please.
Speaker 2:I love that you brought that up because you know, not everybody went through graduate school for therapy and let me tell you, we get one trauma class. Trauma therapists have pursued continued education in the field of trauma. There's so many different fields for therapy, just like there's so many specialties for doctors and other lawyers and all those kinds of things, and so just because a person is a licensed therapist does not mean that they've had additional treatment and trauma. And I would also add to that attachment, because developmental trauma is its own animal and if you're a therapist or a coach that understands that is so crucial for you to feel supported and understood.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you want somebody who truly understands the role that you're trying to fill and, just like with our kids, I'm a big, huge proponent of making sure you find an attachment aware therapist for your child, because that therapist can make or break that relationship right and we've seen it through different therapists with our own kids. I've had some great therapists that really helped build that attachment. But I think that we also need a therapist or a coach that's going to help us know how to build attachment, that's going to help us be able to work through our own burnout, our own symptoms, so that we are able to work through attachment. And I love that you talked about self-care is not all like bubble baths and pedicures and that kind of stuff, because I think that's another term that culture has kind of hijacked. And now it's about binge watching Netflix and eating an ice cream sundae.
Speaker 1:And there's a place for those things. There is a place for those things, but I will tell you when I started to experience burnout for myself, those are the things that I ran to and they were not helping Right and it's a sign.
Speaker 2:It's a good like warning sign for us. If you are spending more time, you know playing a game on your phone or net, you know binge watching episode after episode of something that's take your temperature as a foster mom and see am I experiencing? What am I avoiding by this?
Speaker 1:What am?
Speaker 2:I running from and escaping from.
Speaker 2:I I talk about the concept of a, an emotional trash can with the moms I work with and when we're avoiding things through you know those types of coping mechanisms, we're just kind of putting our emotions in the trash.
Speaker 2:And trash cans have a capacity and sometimes by doing those things we're just like you know, when you don't want to take out the trash and so you like push it down so that you can fit more in the trash can, so that it can wait until your husband gets home and take out the trash, um, we do that with our emotions and we're like stuffing as much as we absolutely can in the trash can.
Speaker 2:But it does have a capacity and eventually all this is going to come out and it's going to be even messier and yuckier than if we had just taken it out when it when needed to go and instead of putting it in the trash, if we just taken it out and acknowledged the hard we can sit in the suck is what I tell people. We can sit in the fact that, oh, my goodness, this is hard and it's okay to sit in that for a minute and to acknowledge that and to cry out to God about that. And then it goes in another trash can that just filters out and we never see that trash again, instead of compacting it in this thing, that's eventually going to spill over in really yucky, ugly ways.
Speaker 1:Yep, you think is the one thing that you do every day to kind of like pour into yourself, to take care of yourself and to be able to show up for your kids in the way that you need to show up.
Speaker 2:I recently probably in the last two years have really become focused on taking care of my nervous system, and so I regularly engage in breathing exercises and body work, and that that can be walking. Walking is a big thing for me. Walking is very regulating, but I make it a point to really focus on what regulates me Instead of focusing on my to-do list. At times, I need to become regulated before I can even start on a to-do list, and so every day, probably the number one thing I do is something to help regulate my body and my nervous system.
Speaker 1:Walking's been huge for me too. That is my non-negotiable. Every single day.
Speaker 2:It's my time Well, and it's an opportunity to connect with God too, because I can either listen to music or just talk and people can think I'm crazy or they can think I'm talking on my Bluetooth, but that connection of communicating with God and walking is incredibly regulating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree. Well, melissa, thank you so much for all of this. I think you've given some great tools for our parents to avoid burnout and to work through burnout. If they're already having these feelings, where can people find you?
Speaker 2:So my website is mendingheartscoachingcom and I am actually veering away from my counseling practice. I've taken a job with CPS, basically as a clinician, and I start next week, but I am maintaining my coaching clients. So I have a free community for foster and adoptive parents where I provide support, particularly if you are parenting an adolescent who has a trauma history. We have support groups, book clubs, all the things, and then I offer individual coaching services for families who are struggling with a child and how to parent them well, but also how to take care of yourself in the process, and you can find more about all of that on my website. You can follow me at Melissa Smallwood on Instagram as well.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful that you were here today and sharing with our community.
Speaker 2:Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1:Well, melissa really gave us some good tips to think through and consider as we're looking at whether we're facing burnout for ourselves. Go on Instagram and find me at Nicole T Barlow, and let me know which tip was most helpful for you today. As we wrap up, let me pray for us. Dear Heavenly Father, I just thank you for Melissa and her heart for foster and adoptive families. Lord, I thank you for the tools that she has given us, for the resources she has given us and the way that she has turned us back to the resources she has given us and the way that she has turned us back to you. Lord, give us discernment, help us to see those parts of us that need to be refreshed and renewed, and help us continuously look to you for that refreshment. We love you, we trust you. We're so thankful for this opportunity to serve our kids and serve our communities, and we're thankful that you walk with us each step of the way. In Jesus name, amen, thank you.