Foster Parent Well

Building Healthy Relationships with Birth Families in Foster Care and Adoption

• Nicole T Barlow • Season 2 • Episode 19

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This episode uncovers the profound importance of fostering healthy relationships with birth families in foster and adoptive care. Through stories of my own struggles and experiences, we highlight the need for trust, genuine intentions, and respect in building positive dynamics. Inspired by Jonah's story, we explore how offering hope and love to birth parents, irrespective of their past, can significantly impact the children in our care.

Navigating the complexities of biological family relationships is crucial, and every child's preferences in communication must be respected. From children wanting ongoing contact to those needing distance, I discuss how understanding these unique needs can help them feel safe and supported. Sharing insights from my own life, I talk about maintaining open lines of communication with my children's biological parents, ensuring their well-being and helping them process their emotions. Engage with the conversation on Instagram and share your own stories. We end with a heartfelt prayer, seeking divine guidance to nurture loving and hopeful relationships in our lives. Tune in for an episode rich in faith, hope, and practical advice for foster and adoptive families.

Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want excited that you guys are here today. My name is Nicole T Barlow and I am your host. I just want to start by saying y'all, I am your host.

Speaker 1:

I just want to start by saying y'all, the Lord is doing something, because this season has been a tough one for us. Do you ever find? The hardest seasons, where you are facing the most spiritual warfare, are often the seasons where breakthrough is about to occur. That is my prayer right now, because this has been a season for us, my family. We are good, we are good together, but we are just facing a lot of things, a lot of circumstances in the moment. This past couple of weeks really has been just, really tough. Just this past week, we made the decision to leave our church. This decision has been super hard for us, as we have been with the church since the beginning, my husband was an elder. We actually moved to the town that we live in because of the church, and that is our family, that's our community. So there are many parts of this decision that have been devastating for us, but we also know that it was needed and that it was what we were supposed to do. So in that, if my brain is a little scattered today, I'm sorry, but I do hope I can communicate efficiently, as today's topic is so important for foster parents especially, but many points apply to adoptive parents as well, so I don't want adoptive families to check out just yet.

Speaker 1:

Today we are talking about strategies to build healthy relationships with birth parents or birth families. The dynamics between foster and adoptive parents and birth families can often be super complex and very messy, but I truly believe that when we get it right, when we do our part to nurture and pour into those relationships, it can have a huge impact on our children and their future. If you think about a divorced couple, right, if the couple is fighting, if the couple is at odds with one another, then it's going to hurt the child. Ultimately, it's that child that suffers. And in the same way, if we are at odds and fighting against the birth families that we work with, then it's going to impact the child or the children in a negative way. Now, we can't alter, we can't change, we can't make somebody look at us or have a certain relationship with us, or, you know, relationships are two-sided. So we can't make it work all on our own. But as much as we can as so much that it is possible for us we need to seek peace and good relationships.

Speaker 1:

So today we're going to discuss three factors in building healthy relationships, and the first one should not be a surprise, because I think it's true of all relationships. The first factor is building trust. We must do whatever we can to help families trust us. We need to prove ourselves trustworthy. Okay, we can do this in several ways.

Speaker 1:

As a foster parent, we can help them understand that our primary goal is to care for their children and to help them work towards reunification. We can show them that it is not our intention to take their child from them, true? So we need to really search ourselves, to search why we're in foster care, what is our intention? Because it is going to be clear to parents if we are not being authentic in that the primary goal of most foster care cases is reunification, at least at the beginning of the case. That goal may change over time, but in the beginning that should be our goal too.

Speaker 1:

Whenever it can be safe, it is best that children grow up with their biological families and truly, when you enter into foster care, you have to have that mindset and, as a Christian foster parent, we of all people should have hope and belief that change is possible. So are we communicating that well to the family? Are we sharing our hearts for family restoration and reunification? It really does make a big difference. Are we showing dignity and respect to the parent? Are we talking about them and to them in a way that honors them and communicates that they are a person that is made in the image of God? Are we honest with them? Do we set them up in our words and our actions to be the expert about their child? All of these things build trust, and I know that it's not always clear cut. I know that it can be super messy and I can already hear people in the background saying, yeah, but you don't know our story, you don't know what they have done, and the truth is that I don't. But I've seen quite a bit and I've seen people experience love and hope and healing when a foster parent or an adoptive parent was willing to act out of obedience instead of moving in fear. You know, we all grew up well, I say we all.

Speaker 1:

Many of us grew up hearing the story of Jonah and the whale right. So Jonah was called to the city of Nineveh to preach repentance and change in hopes that there would be salvation in the city of Nineveh. And Jonah says I don't want to go right. And so he runs away from that assignment. But God miraculously, through a series of events, turns Jonah back to Nineveh. And I think a lot of times we look at that and we say you know, oh, jonah should have obeyed. But we're called to the same things. We're called to bring hope and life to other people, to love other people, regardless of what their past looks like. We are called to show up for them and a lot of times in our hearts we may say but you don't know what they've done. I urge you to go and look up what Nineveh was like before Jonah visited them. There were lots of things going on in the city of Nineveh that made Jonah reluctant to go to them. I urge everybody just to lean into God in that. I mean, it's okay if there is some hesitancy In some cases there needs to be hesitancy but I would just urge you to lean into God and His direction in that, because it can be so impactful. But that's going to lead me to the second part of building healthy relationships, and that's setting good boundaries.

Speaker 1:

As a foster parent, many of these boundaries may actually be set for you, and when they are, it can be super helpful. But there may be particular boundaries that you have to decide for yourself. Are you going to give the family your phone number? What about your email address? How often Are you going to contact them, or are they allowed to contact you? Will they know your last name? Will you be open to a relationship on social media and, if so, what does that look like? You need to speak to your caseworker and figure out what is allowed because, again, a lot of times in foster care cases, these things are set already by the caseworker, depending on what's safe or not. So speak to the case manager, figure out what the boundaries are from their end and also ask if those boundaries have been communicated with the parents. Those boundaries have been communicated with the parents? Are they allowed and encouraged to go to events like doctor's visits, iep meetings or parent-teacher conferences? Is it the case manager that communicates those events to them, or is it up to you to communicate those things if they are allowed? So kind of work out some of those logistics to see what communication or what boundaries need to be in place and what freedoms you have. You're going to have to work through all of these questions for yourself and, honestly, it may be different from case to case.

Speaker 1:

In our first case, we were super open with a variety of members from the biological family. I mean, we're friends with all the extended family members Access did they have in communicating with their biological family and all of that, though, make boundaries clear so that nobody oversteps accidentally and yeah, that includes me. I need to know what level of communication that the biological family is comfortable with. It can't be all about me, which leads me to my third point. Maybe communication happens in the handoff. That can be a great time to ask questions and to get to know them a little bit better and to give them a chance to get to know you.

Speaker 1:

If you're not transporting kids to visits and somebody else is doing that transportation. I've heard of foster parents creating a notebook that goes back and forth as a way of sharing information. Whatever the case may be, while the case plan is reunification, we need to make sure that the parent stays in the loop. If we're supporting reunification, we set parents and families up for the best chance at success if we are keeping them informed and connecting to their child and their child's daily happenings. If reunification is not the goal or if adoption has already taken place, even if your kids do not have regular communication with the parent, like if they're not doing visits or whatever it may still be beneficial for you to have some sort of regular communication so that if and when your child gets to an age or stage where they request contact that you're able to help facilitate that those connections don't just disappear when the adoption is finalized.

Speaker 1:

And we have to be in a mindset that understands and is settled in that Each child may think or feel differently about what sort of communication they want with their biological family. With our older children, one desires, and they have ongoing communication with their biological parents, but the other, one of my older kids, is in a season where she doesn't want that right now and both are okay. I can help them navigate where they are and what they're feeling and what kind of relationship they're seeking right now, because I have communication with their parents, I'm able to see that it's safe. I know how to reach them because we've stayed in touch over the years. It's easier for me to help my kids navigate these things because I've kept those lines of communication open. So what are your thoughts on biological family relationships? How have you learned to navigate through your own situations? I would love to know.

Speaker 1:

Pop over to Instagram and let's continue this conversation. You can find me at Nicole T Barlow, as always. Subscribe to this podcast and be sure to send this to a friend that is either navigating these things for themselves or considering foster care and could use some help processing this topic. Before they jump in, let's pray as we close out. Father. Relationships of all kinds are messy. We are broken and sinful and in our flesh we only look to our own interests. But, god, you have shown us a different way. Jesus, you have modeled, taking up our cross and laying down our lives and our desires to serve others. Help us to do that well this week. Holy Spirit, empower us to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Help us to share love and hope wherever we go, and help lives be transformed in the process. We love you, we love you, we trust you In Jesus' name amen.