Foster Parent Well

Building Resilience: Raquel McCloud’s Journey in Kinship Care and Adoption

• Nicole T Barlow , Raquel McCloud • Season 2 • Episode 22

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Have you ever wondered what it takes to build resilience and hope amidst the complexities of the foster care and adoption system? Join us as we sit down with the inspiring Raquel McCloud, who opens up about her incredible journey from a child in kinship care to a kinship adoptive mom. Raquel’s story is a testament to the power of perseverance, healing, and hope, and she shares invaluable insights on the importance of stable and supportive caregivers. From her emotional reunion with her 21-year-old daughter to the transformation of her Instagram account into a platform for sharing family adventures, Raquel's narrative is both poignant and empowering.

Website: https://www.mccloudlife.com/

Newsletter/podcast: https://mccloudlife.substack.com

Raquel's Newest Book: https://www.amazon.com/Every-Moment-Before-This-One-ebook/dp/B0DCTT3945/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=vskFS&content-id=amzn1.sym.f76d456a-cb0d-44de-b7b0-670c26ce80ba&pf_rd_p=f76d456a-cb0d-44de-b7b0-670c26ce80ba&pf_rd_r=133-2639276-6449820&pd_rd_wg=b4tXF&pd_rd_r=5063b128-d3d7-48dc-9848-c06514517cf1&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk

Other Books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Raquel-McCloud/author/B0B1XJ95D9?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_2&qid=1725482113&sr=8-2&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true


Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to foster parent well. Do I have a treat for you? Today we're going to be talking to Raquel McLeod.

Speaker 2:

Raquel's purpose and perspective is rooted in Genesis 50-20. You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good. And she so boldly shares her truth through a lens of empathy and grace, without compromising honesty for the sake of comfort. She believes in the value of resilience, healing and hope, and she holds to the unclenching belief that grief and gratitude can coexist. Her story really is incredible. When she's not writing or speaking, you'll likely find her immersed in nature or just enjoying the simple blessings of her life as a wife and mama. Raquel has so much knowledge and experience to share. I know you guys are going to really benefit from hearing from her story. So, without further ado, let's get started with Raquel McLeod. Well, welcome, raquel, to the podcast. We are so excited to have you here today.

Speaker 1:

I'm stoked to be here. Thanks for the invite, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do so.

Speaker 1:

I am a lot of things. I wear a lot of hats. My grandma always told me I put too many irons in the fire, but it's just who I am at 36. I don't think I'm changing. I love that. First and foremost, I'm a wife and a mama, but I became known for my connection to the adoption and foster care community because I am a birth mother in reunion with my now 21-year-old firstborn daughter. I was a child of kinship care that emancipated myself at 17 years old, and I was also a kinship caregiver, turned kinship adoptive mom whenever we finalized the adoption of my biological half-sister, and so that's kind of what I've become known for, and I've just poured all my talents into that. I'm a published writer, I'm a public speaker you name it. If I feel passionate about it, if it's something that I'm good at, I try to manipulate that talent to serve the foster adoption kinship community.

Speaker 2:

That voice is so needed. I think it's often missing. I often hear from people in my own community that are doing kinship care or involved in kinship care in some way that lots of times they're forgotten right Like that piece is missing. How did you first get started in this work? How did you start lifting your voice about these things in a public manner?

Speaker 1:

So I've had my current Instagram account for over a decade, but it's. I've changed the name, I've changed the content at least a dozen times. Um, and so what started was before all of this I, my family and I started traveling full time. We sold our house, moved into a camper and followed my husband's work, which at that point, wasn't the niche that it is now, and so I just thought that would be neat to start sharing about. But because before that, I had a business called Love Is and I made like hand stamped metal jewelry, and so that's what I really built my account on. But when we decided to travel full time, I shut that business down and I just kind of told all my followers thanks for the support over the years. If you want to keep following.

Speaker 1:

I think I'm just going to share about life, just what our life is like traveling all the places we go, things like that and we were on a winter layoff, staying in on our friend's property in Michigan in the middle of winter. That was a terrible decision Love our friends. Awful to be in a camper in Michigan in the middle of winter, but in his line of work you don't really get time off and so it was just an opportunity to hang out with friends, and we had been there for a month or two and my firstborn that I had been in contact with since she was nine. But once she got older we had more contact, not through an agency or through her parents, but it just kind of opened us up to communicating directly. But she called me randomly and asked what I was going to be doing on this certain date. That was like a month out, and I was like I don't have anything on my calendar, why? And she's like well, you're going to pick me up from the airport because I'm flying out to visit you.

Speaker 1:

At that point she had never come to visit on her own. We were doing yearly visits with her family, and so this was something she thought of. She wanted to be my Christmas gift and she okayed it with her parents and they bought her plane tickets, and so when she came out to visit her, her one request was not to tell her little sisters. She wanted it to be a surprise for them, and so we knew it was going to, and Then her mom had requested that we video their reaction because everyone was just so excited. So and I'm really big on not lying to my kids. So, like trying to find a way around that, I was like, okay, dad and I found something cool that we want to do this morning. So if you wake up and we're not back yet, you can go into our friend's house and they'll fix you breakfast or whatever, but we have to leave early and we'll be back later. And so when we got back, I just went in first and I was like, look what dad and I found. And so they open up the door and come out and of course, just pandemonium breaks loose. And so that was all on video.

Speaker 1:

And after she left, I just made a little reel about that reunion and this is you know, I think I've worded it something like at that point she was 17,. Like 17 years ago I didn't even know if I would get to know my daughter, and now she's flying in and surprising our little sisters and just this little feel good, like it was just this joyful reunion moment. And I posted that on Instagram just for I think I maybe had two, two or 3000 followers at the time that all were familiar with my story and that I was in reunion with my oldest. Well, it hit the fields with everyone and it went viral and so by the end of it, I think it was almost 12 million views and with that came a lot of new attention of people that didn't know me, didn't know my character, didn't know my story, and so I had thousands of really kind comments about oh, I want this, or you know, for my adopted child, or I want this for my birth child, I want you know. All kinds of great comments, but almost as many horrible, awful comments, people that were either just tearing me down for being a birth mother like you don't deserve to have children, you don't deserve to get to know her, you gave up that opportunity when you gave her away just really awful comments, and it just sparked something in me.

Speaker 1:

I was like 17 years later, we still have all of these stereotypes around the character of a birth mother simply because she made an adoption plan or wasn't capable of parenting. I was 14 when I got pregnant with her, barely 15 when I placed her for adoption, and I didn't have a supportive or safe family, I did not have a safe home, and so to say that I am incapable and undeserving of parenting the children that I have now as a grown adult in a healthy marriage and a healthy place. It really illuminated how much ignorance there was, and so that that's what snowballed it. At that point I was like I have this story, I'm not ashamed to share it and people need to be educated on this. Like I want to normalize a birth mother, like I want people to see that if I never said I'm a birth mother, you'd never know. There's not some scarlet letter, you know, emblazoned on my chest, it's just, it's part of my story, it's not my identity. And so to just show the humanity of being a birth mother and that's how all this started.

Speaker 1:

I didn't even know the term kinship care when I started that. I just knew that my grandparents raised me. It was so common in the South, it is so common in the South, especially grandparents, of course. Kinship care isn't just grandparents, but very, very common for grandparents to raise grandchildren. I didn't think that was anything special or a story or anything to educate on. I didn't think that was anything special or a story or anything to educate on. And then someone gave me the language kinship care. And then, just connecting the dots, as silly as it seems like, I realized at that point what I was doing for what my husband and I were doing for my biological sister was also, in fact, kinship care.

Speaker 1:

And then I'm learning, I start getting invited from foster agencies to do educational bits, because now I'm learning that the foster system is promoting and prioritizing kinship placements but they do not have the education to match the need, because there's a huge difference between non-relative placements and foster care, kinship care huge difference, the entire dynamic changes, and so it really snowballed from that moment, that one viral reel that made me so aware that there was still a lot of educating that needed to happen, and from that point it was really just a God thing, I feel like it just organically shifted into what it is today.

Speaker 2:

That education is so needed and there is still so much ignorance. I think people want to make the world black and white good and bad.

Speaker 2:

They have these ideals of what people are and what people aren't, and who fits in what category, and all the things and the reality. When you step into kinship situations or foster care or adoption or any of that stuff, there's not much that's black and white. There is a whole lot of gray, and every situation is completely different. Every situation requires a different lens, a different view, and so I love when different voices come to the table to say this isn't what you think it is right, like, because I think that it opens people's eyes to something different. Well, you mentioned that kinship care is different than a traditional foster care or adoption role. How is it different? And then, what are some ways that it may be similar?

Speaker 1:

is it different? And then, how are what are some ways that it may be similar? The biggest difference is with the traditional non-relative placements, you are not having to rearrange an entire family dynamic and so with kinship here, that changes everything. So, for example, if it is a grandparent, you are raising a grandchild, which meansate your love for them or your concern or your care, and so now you're having to learn or needing to learn. A lot of times it doesn't happen, and this is when kinship care isn't necessarily it's a healthier option when done well is what I like to say Because, again, they're not getting the resources that they need to learn how to make appropriate boundaries.

Speaker 1:

So with non-relative placements, you have an agency giving you boundaries. You can have this visit. They can't have this right or this freedom. They're telling you and it's easy to maintain that because you have no personal connection to this person, to maintain that because you have no personal connection to this person. But then, whenever it's your son, your daughter, your brother, your sister, your niece, your nephew, and they're at the family reunion, they're at family dinner, they're a constant part of your life or an irremovable part, even if they've distanced themselves for a time, like it's, it's in and out with family and learning how to create boundaries to keep that child safe. Because a lot of times it's much easier to pacify an angry adult than it is to protect a child adult, than it is to protect a child. So when your son is throwing a fit that he wants his kids to spend the night with him, even though you know your son's struggling with addiction and maybe his house isn't a safe place overnight not even that he's abusive or he's, because that was kind of my situation.

Speaker 1:

My father was a very loving man. He loved me the best way that he knew how, but addiction robbed him of his full potential. It robbed him of his capacity to parent safely weekends or week longs in the summer. And it's addicts in and out and drug deals and just you know, having to be picked up by my grandparents in the middle of the night because the cops came and arrested everybody, like so there was no boundaries.

Speaker 1:

It would have been fine to say, yeah, let's have family dinner together every Friday night at our house. Let's, you know, come over and you guys can throw the football in the field or go play basketball and there was a church behind our house, you know like you guys can go play basketball in their parking lot, like those things safe, it doesn't. You don't have to build walls and say no connection, no this, no that, but it's learning how to build safe boundaries instead of walls. And I think that that gets skimmed over and I've even had people reach out to me and ask how to build those walls because within the child welfare system, they're asking their workers for help and they're being told well, it's family, figure it out what. That's not fair. No, you help us figure this out, because it is hard.

Speaker 2:

Well and I have seen that too that there is a lack of education, there's a lack of equipping for kinship families because it's family, and so the system often takes a more hands-off approach with kinship caregivers. But a lot of times those caregivers need assistance. They don't know what trauma looks like. They don't have that trauma education that traditional foster and adoptive families get. They don't have those same sort of resources a lot of times that are offered to foster and adoptive families, and so I think it can be really challenging. We had a placement that went home and then was removed again, and when they were removed the second time they went to a family member and the family member would call me because she's like I don't know what I'm doing and nobody's helping me. Nobody's telling me what to do, nobody's telling me how to get insurance, nobody's telling me how to get therapy, nobody's holding my hand through this process, like we do with non-kinship, non-relative caregivers, and so they're just handed the stuff and saying you're a relative, go.

Speaker 1:

You want to know a really crazy statistic. There's somewhere over 400,000 children in the child welfare system, in foster care, right, yep? And that includes kinship placements. Sure, there are over 2.4 million children in kinship homes outside of the child welfare system. Wow, wow. I was not in the child welfare system, I was a kinship placement outside in the child welfare system. I was a kinship placement outside of the child welfare system. Our youngest daughter, my biological sister, that was outside of the child welfare system. All of that was handled without DCS, child protectors, anything getting involved, and so it's even more concentrated than people realize and there's no resources for them.

Speaker 1:

Zero. So it's a huge epidemic and something that I was told recently. I do a lot of keynotes for, like CASA organizations, okay, yep, and I'm typically in between. I bounce between Tennessee and North Carolina a lot. We're in the South, on the East side of the United States, and I've been told by multiple directors from multiple organizations that one of the alarming statistics that they are encountering now is that it's not grandparents raising grandkids, it's great grandparents raising great grandkids, because the grandparents are also now stuck in addiction cycles and so they're seeing a lot of that and children being with great grandparents and then having to switch homes again because great grandparents either die or they get too sick or have extended hospital stays, and it's just. It's heartbreaking.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah. All of that is is really really hard. Um, well, how, how have you worked right, Like, how did you get education on stuff? How did you walk through your own healing right so that you can parent the way that you do and that you can meet your kids' needs and that you can be a safe option for your daughter? To come back to right? Like, how, how does all of that happen? How do you come out of trauma to heal yourself, Right?

Speaker 1:

So one of my favorite words that has become a trigger word within the trauma community is resilience.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and it's got a really bad rap, and I think because a lot of people misuse it. They want to use it as a scapegoat, like they'll be fine, they're kids, they're resilient, right. What I've learned is resilience isn't some innate thing in all of us. Resilience is something that has to be built and it can be built, and even in adulthood, if you did not get the foundation for resilience building as a child, it's something like our brains are movable. At one point, we thought all of those neuropathways were, you know, hardened and unchangeable, but now we know that, you know, new habits can be formed, new pathways can be formed, and so I think building resilience and it's wild my biggest motivation when I was young. So and I'll just be completely honest, I have no shame in explaining where I came from, because it made me who I am today, but I endured a lot of trauma. Typically, 14 year olds don't become pregnant when they've not had something going on in their life, and so I endured a lot of trauma in childhood.

Speaker 1:

Some of it I wouldn't have even attached the word trauma to it's just. You know my dad was an addict. I grew up in and out of that. You know I I visited him in prison, had to go through pat downs as a young child and you know, go visit him and um, that was just my life. That's not me going like, oh poor me, Like I never thought like this, but if you, if you think of it realistically, like that's a trauma point for a young brain. Um, so I endured a lot of trauma.

Speaker 1:

And then, by the time I was 13, my father would allow me to smoke cigarettes, smoke weed, drink liquor at his house, Like he wanted to be the fun. I can connect to you, parent, and this is what you know the kids want to do anyway, so you might as well do it in my house, where it's safe, was, I think, the mentality Right? And so I'm drinking, I'm smoking, I'm promiscuous, some consensual, a lot not. And so whenever you've experienced a lot of trauma, if you're not getting the proper resources which I wasn't, I wasn't in therapy, I wasn't doing any of those things you have to numb some way, you have to medicate, you have to do something. And so I turned to self medication. More drugs, more alcohol. I was probably a full-blown alcoholic by the time I was 13.

Speaker 1:

And then, after becoming pregnant, my guardianship transferred from my grandparents to other caregivers and they were abusive and I was under strict surveillance in their home. So there wasn't a lot that I could do, um to numb those feelings. So I just I just had to disassociate. I had to just kind of check out. The only way that I could survive was to disassociate until it.

Speaker 1:

It kind of got to a point when I was 17, I was like I'm not going to survive if I stay here. I cannot physically stay here. I don't think I will make it out alive. And so I ran away and God had his hand all over that, because these things don't just happen. I had never disclosed the full abuse that I was enduring because I was afraid of the repercussions.

Speaker 1:

And after running away I was picked up as a runaway. I actually ran back to my grandparents, picked up at their home as a runaway, and when they took me in for like the questioning and to call the police district from the town that I'd ran away from, which was like 600 miles away. They told them that they had reason to believe that my home wasn't safe and they needed to release me into my grandparents' custody. That never happens with a 17-year-old runaway, and so, looking back, God's hand was all over that, and after I was able to get out of that, my biggest concern was I want to be someone that my daughter would want to know. I can't fall back into drugs.

Speaker 1:

I can't fall back into alcohol to numb all of this. Like I just want to be someone that she would feel safe around, that she would if she found me one day, if she wanted to know me, like we could build a relationship, and so that was. That was a huge motivator for me to just and I can't say that I made all the perfect choices at 17 years old, after enduring all that trauma Like I smoked like a freight train. I would still drink occasionally. I was not a raging alcoholic, but if I just needed to not think that was the easy way to do it and so a lot of it, I think at that point was suppressing. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to thrive in life. I didn't want to just survive, I wanted I had a happy personality. There's a quote. It says I have a happy personality and a heavy soul. Sometimes it gets weird and that describes me perfectly, because I could just be so goofy and carefree but then also have these super deep conversations, conversations, and so I don't think true healing began happening for years, I think for a long time it was just suppressing to to be able to carry on and um, something. So, uh, two years ago I think I I learned a lot about myself and how I healed before I knew that I was starting to heal. Uh, I took a certification course through Florida state university and trauma and resilience and I did it cause I wanted to be a better educator, but I learned so much about myself just going through all the coursework, reading all the studies, and there are, I think, nine things that most scientists agree help build resilience. And so I'm going through that list and I'm like, oh well, I had that, I had that, I had that, I had that, I had that. So it was like this accumulation of all these things that I didn't even realize made a difference, just helping build that resilience.

Speaker 1:

Like having my grandparents as a foundation was huge for me because they were they, they were the best like they made mistakes, like every parent. Sure, they never made me feel like a burden. They always made me feel like they wanted to raise me, that I was a joy to them and they believed in me. They set foundations, they taught me how to do things, how to live life. They had already raised their kids. So I was the fun, you know, like it wasn't an inconvenience, I was never in the way, but I was always in the middle of everything Like let's teach her how to use tools, let's teach her how to cook, let's teach her how to chase her dreams.

Speaker 1:

And so my grandpa made a huge living off of entrepreneurship and art he had so. Growing up I was in the newspaper every year because our house was called the pumpkin house because every fall he would get thousands of pumpkins. He would hire a team of artists and him and the artists would paint faces on them. They lined. Our front yard was just rows of pumpkins and they would come and take pictures of me holding them or sitting on huge pumpkins.

Speaker 1:

And so entrepreneurship and that artistic thing which a lot of parents like try to snuff out at kids Cause it's like oh the starving artist, you can't do that with your life, right? It was encouraged with me, so art became an outlet from a young age and that's one of the other things that I turned to when I turn my back on. You know, drugs and alcohol just pouring into my art. But so my grandparents always encouraged that. They taught me how to set goals and how to meet them, and things like that can make a huge difference for a child to have one, at least one stable adult in their life that believes in them. They're consistent and even though, like of course, there's some hard feelings and healing that had to take place over having my custody transferred when I became pregnant, like they were still there with open arms whenever I was like I can't stay there anymore, it's abusive, like I need to leave, and it was, you know so.

Speaker 2:

I think all of those points like I want to stop you for just a second because I think all of those things are really important for caregivers to pay attention to in how we can help build resilience in our kids and how we view them and how we encourage them and how we build them up, because I think that it truly can make such a big difference and a lot of times we get sidetracked by things that don't make a difference. We get sidetracked by things that don't right, make a difference. We get sidetracked by the rules and obedience and all of these like in the box things and we forget about the more big picture things. So I think those things that you said are crucial for caregivers to keep at the forefront of their mind keep at the forefront of their mind.

Speaker 1:

I think so. I have a book that I just wrote on trauma and resilience. I actually put the list of the nine things that are known to help cultivate resilience. Do you want me to read them off?

Speaker 2:

to you. I would love that.

Speaker 1:

I think that would be super helpful and it's in no particular order. And the research does suggest that the single most important thing is to have one healthy, stable caregiver that is consistent in your life and reliable, but also self-worth. So cultivating self-worth and that's something that's really hard for kids in care to believe that they're worthy, even under the best circumstances. And this is something that I taught and I won't be so long on every point, I promise, but no, it's good. My grandparents never made me feel like a burden. They always like they would say things and you got to hear the heart behind this. My grandma was notorious for saying your mama didn't want you, but we did, and that's not how we should word it. I would never suggest that you word it to a child that way. Yes, but I know her heart behind it. She was saying this child knows that her mother because while my biological father was in and out, he was their son. My biological mother left when I was two and I've never seen her since, and so I think to her it was okay. She notices this absence, so let's affirm that she still loved and wanted, so the heart was in the right place.

Speaker 1:

I think a lot of times we do really bad things with really good intention, and so I think that was the case place. I think a lot of times we do really bad things with really good intention, yep, and so I think that was the case there. So, but the point of that is, they affirmed constantly that I was wanted, I was not a burden. They loved me and even still I knew I was somewhere I was not meant to be meant to be Like even if that was God's redemption in this story meant to be, even if that was God's redemption in this story children are meant to be with their parents Absolutely. And so when you're with kinship caregivers, foster caregivers, adoptive parents, it doesn't matter how much they affirm that you are loved and wanted, deep down you know you're still not where you were originally intended to be.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and so taking time to I can only imagine if they were not so affirming of my self-worth, like you're valuable, you're loved, you're wanted, like if, if they didn't cause some kids don't get that affirmation Right. And so going the extra mile, even when it seems like fruitless work. So going the extra mile, even when it seems like fruitless work, it adds up. Sometimes you do not see the fruits of your labor for years and years and years to come, and so I think it's really important to not give up on these things that we know are going to be helpful just because we're not seeing immediate results.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I agree, and I think that that's really important that we're conscious of, because I think so many times it's not just our verbal affirmations, but how are our daily lives affirming these things in our kids? And I can be, I am one that has to be very conscious of that, even in one of the things that we do in our household for me to take care of me, but even in one of the things that we do in our household for me to take care of me is I will get away for a weekend, or my husband will take the kids away for a weekend for me to be able just to have some quiet time, some alone time, some processing.

Speaker 2:

But my kids, early on, started to internalize that I needed to be away from them, right, like that. It was a something like I needed a break from them. And I've had to be really conscious about explaining like it's not them, it's I need quiet, just in general, because that's how my brain processes, because that's you know, and sometimes they need time, quiet time away from the people that they love, right, just so that their brain can process and and really talking through that, but being conscious of explaining that to them so they're not internalizing it in a way that makes them feel like a burden. So I think, you know, not just in our verbal affirmations of them, but we need to be making sure that our lives kind of reflect that as well.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, I think so. My husband and I have a biological daughter that's 15. And a lot of times we forget that they're affected, like because we focus on the adoptee, the foster, the, and we forget that all of these relationships also affect our biological children. Um, but we had had a conversation recently. She was just having a very hard day emotionally, a very hard day emotionally, and I just I think I sometimes my face just shows my emotions you know can't help it and I hit that wall.

Speaker 1:

I've got one of those faces too. So unfortunate at times. But she, she's old enough to you know, she, and she's just wise beyond her years. But she just looked at me and she was like I'm really sorry, I, I can tell that I've exhausted you.

Speaker 1:

And in that moment I was like I can, I can lie and deflect and work my way around this, or I can be honest. And so I took a deep breath and thought about what I was going to say and I was just like and so I took a deep breath and thought about what I was going to say and I was just like yes, I am exhausted, it has been a lot today, but that is nothing for you to apologize for. And she just kind of like sighed like a you know, like thank you. And I explained that in that moment I can't help human emotions Like yes, a lot exhausting, again not yours to apologize for. But then I had a sudden realization and had to decide if I wanted to say it out loud, but I just felt like it would be more beneficial and I was like listen, I didn't have a mom to exhaust, I'm so glad that I get to be exhausted by you.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I love that that I get to be exhausted by you, and so it is what it is. Sometimes it's a lot for our emotions, but I hope it's a blessing that I never take for granted.

Speaker 2:

I never take for granted. I I love that response.

Speaker 1:

I mean I absolutely love that response because I think that it it meets both sides right, like it shows the honesty because all parents I mean all of us get exhausted all the time right by the work that we're having to do, but but we can still, in those moments, affirm our kids and their their worth and value to us. But I like to say that adequate sleep, good nutrition and good exercise are all the foundations for your physical well-being, and if one of those are off, it can throw all of it off.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, we talk a lot about that on the podcast. So I am actually a health and wellness coach. Oh, ok that that primarily works with foster and adoptive parents, and I mean we talk about that stuff all the time, that we often look at those things for our kids. Are they sleeping well, are they eating well, are they hydrated? Because we know it causes meltdowns in them, but we forget that it causes meltdowns in us. There's forget that it causes meltdowns in us.

Speaker 1:

There's a reason someone came up with the term hangry.

Speaker 1:

It hurts our mood if we are not being fed properly, if we're not getting adequate sleep, and the sleep thing's hard, hard, it's really hard, because both of our girls have struggled with sleep most of their lives. And we've you name it, we've done it, we've tried it, we've even had I had followers, cause I shared once about the just the, the lack of sleep, and how it was really affecting everyone and there was nothing we could do. At a follower from I don't remember where she was from, if she was from there, but she sent a cross that had been hand carved from an olive tree in Jerusalem that had been prayed over like stick this in a pillow, maybe it'll help. I mean, you name it, the melatonin, we've done it, and it's one of those things you feel helpless, like I can't make them sleep.

Speaker 1:

It's not that they're not getting a good nighttime routine and then, of course, when they don't sleep, I'm not sleeping either, and that affects your mood, it affects your wellbeing and, um, there's even so many studies that connect a good night's sleep with just your overall health. Like so that one's really hard. Um, and then exercise. We all know kids. There's a lot of kids with trauma, that have a lot of diagnoses, and a lot of them are hyperactive and they need outlets. They need to move, and this new era that we've entered is a lot of well, I was going to grab my phone to demonstrate, but it's a lot of and they're not getting the proper exercise, the proper movement, and so a lot of this is affecting that.

Speaker 1:

We think that it's helping us because it's distracting them, but when you take that distraction away, all hell breaks loose. And that's why because our bodies were not meant to do this constantly and I think it's really affecting the overall well-being of the young population. And I mean, to be honest, I get sucked into it sometimes. It's addictive, it is, it was built to be that way, and so if we don't set proper restrictions and practice self-discipline, that impacts our physical well-being.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, absolutely. And the lack of movement and exercise affects our mental health. It affects our kids' mental health. One of the things that really changed everything for me was taking daily walks, and just that movement every day completely shifted everything my mental health, my energy, my mood, I mean all of it and we have been more intentional with our kids because I have seen what a difference it's made on the inside of me.

Speaker 1:

Yes, this is even hard to talk about, but two years ago I was probably at my lowest no one knew it. I had the platform that I had. Now I was showing up, I was educating, advocating, doing all the things of the app. I would get you know texts and calls like how are you and I'm fine, just exhausted, or you know just whatever it was. I was 30 or 40 pounds heavier, I was. I had always been super active growing up. I wasn't active anymore. I wasn't doing anything active outside of an occasional hike. My diet was awful. I just ate whatever I wanted.

Speaker 1:

It felt terrible and there were days that I had to convince myself that it would be harder for my children if I wasn't here than with me being here. And it was just. It was hard. I don't know how to describe it other than it just it felt hopeless. Everything felt hopeless.

Speaker 1:

And I had I'd went to a writing retreat for people that had endured trauma and the purpose of the retreat was you've endured trauma and you want to write your story, you want to learn to share about it. And I got into that writing retreat and there was one woman there that had not endured trauma, but she was an adoptive mom to a little boy that had, and the reason that she wanted to be there was to see how she could better serve him as he grows. And she owned a, so she was a high school PE coach, but she also, on, owned an online fitness program for women and so, just to be nice, she offered three months free for everyone there. And I was like no air and I was like no, no, thanks. But um, of course, after the retreat it was small and intimate, like maybe 12, 15 of us, and so afterwards there was group chats and people checking on each other and just a lot of community coming out of that and she would check in individually like hey, I noticed you didn't use your code yet. Do you want to start?

Speaker 1:

And she wasn't pushy, but she was consistent and I always had an excuse because I'm like well, we travel full time, I don't always have good internet. And so then it became a joke, like, do you want me to just do it in the library? Like sometimes that's the only place I have internet. And she's like, if you want to, you can. And so me, being goofy, I set my phone up in a library, I did, and I did lunges down a book aisle. That's awesome. And I sent it to her. I was like, does this make you happy? And it became this big, huge joke oh my goodness, can I post that on my page? That's so funny. I can't believe you did that. And so finally, she broke me down.

Speaker 1:

Essentially, I'm like I'll try your program and so it and I hate to sound so dramatic, but it changed my life. Yeah, absolutely changed my life, because that one choice started impacting other choices. I started working out and then I started drinking more water and eating healthier foods and prioritizing sleep, and so and my, my husband has shared about this too we both started around the same time. This November will make two years sober for my husband and that was a huge impact. But then December is when I started working out in her program and he followed suit. He didn't do her program but I think, seeing me take the initiative, something clicked in him and he started. And so in the last two years like I said, this November, december will be two years he's lost over 175 pounds. Wow, he's been completely sober, no slip ups this whole time.

Speaker 1:

Mine is much less impressive on the outside. I've lost maybe 30 or 40. Mine is much less impressive on the outside. I've lost maybe 30 or 40. What you can't see is the biggest change and it's all up here and how I feel in here and it's. It's not me just putting on a happy face to try to help everyone around me. Like I legitimately feel joy again. I don't feel overwhelming hopelessness and I could honestly do an entire podcast keynote book just on the benefits of physical wellness and how it impacts your mental health.

Speaker 2:

And the same is true for me. When I got started doing something, I had another adoptive parent that coached me and it changed everything, everything, everything for me, and my ability to parent changed like it changed everything. And so that's why I became a health coach and started investing in other foster and adoptive parents, because I saw what a huge difference that it makes. But I don't think when you're in that state of despair, it's hard to see that something little like drinking water or taking a walk is going to do anything. Right, right.

Speaker 1:

It's. Yeah, I would have never in my like I didn't start one, I didn't. When we're young, a lot of times I think we work out and stuff to manipulate our bodies. We want to look certainly, yeah, um, I can't tell you how many arms, arm workouts I've done and they're still not muscular and toned like it's. Like I put a lot of work in for nothing, but it's not nothing. Like it's not nothing we don't see. Like no one's going to look at me. I'm very mid average, whatever you you know. Like no one's going to look at me and be like that girl spends time in the gym but I don't care. Maybe I would have when I was younger. Like because the way that it has impacted my mental health is invaluable. Like you cannot put a price on what it's done up here. And so, yes, sharing that, talking about it, but I also complete when I started, when she was so persistent, there was nothing in me thinking this is going to be the thing that changes my life.

Speaker 2:

You know, right, right Yep.

Speaker 1:

Yep.

Speaker 2:

Yep, I love that. I love that. That is is one of your points in your book that you talk about. You know that it does make a difference. Those things do make a difference.

Speaker 1:

One of the other important ones is a sense of optimism, encouraging optimism, and that's, I think, another thing. That is is getting glossed over now because it's like I think for so long we tried to push away any negativity, any bad thoughts, like you can only feel good about this, only feel positive, only talk positive, just brush the other stuff under the rug. And so now the pendulum humans really stink at finding the middle ground and it feels like this pendulum has swung over here and you just have to acknowledge the yucky, the bad, the hard, and if you encourage optimism, then you're part of the problem because you're encouraging a unrealistic view of and it's like no, it's both, it's both and we have to be able to acknowledge both. It's grief and gratitude, it's hard and beautiful, it's all of these things, it's the balance and acknowledging that balance. And so, according to a lot of the research that I've done, optimism is top of the list of the things that we can do to help encourage resilience. And there's a few practical ways that you can help encourage that. And one is keeping a gratitude journal and it sounds it's kind of like working out like just that one little thing. Is that really going to help? But we noticed, honestly, when I was in the midst of despair, I noticed how pessimistic I had become, like it was really hard for me to find the positive in something. And so we started a new routine.

Speaker 1:

Now that our kids are older, they don't want to be tucked in and things like that.

Speaker 1:

You know we got teenagers and so but we all, we all come together from whatever we're doing to start a bedtime routine and we go around and we name three positives from our day, three gratefuls, three things that we're thankful for, and there's no cop-outs, like if you've had a really bad day and the only thing that you can think of is that you have clean water, you have food on your on the table every night and you have shelter like sometimes that's all you can muster.

Speaker 1:

But just acknowledging that is acknowledging that even in the midst of hard and heavy, that there's glimmers of hope, there's positive, there's something to be thankful for. I don't think it's important to teach us, to teach kids or to even believe ourselves that we have to be thankful for everything, but we can be thankful in everything, and so in the midst of struggle and hardship and trial and tribulation, we can find something to be thankful for, and so that's on the list of things to help cultivate resilience, and it's just something a lot of. It is training your brain to think differently, to do differently.

Speaker 2:

Yep, I think that's really important and a gift that we can give our kids is to teach them those habits early on. Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

And a lot of it is it's habits, and it's a lot easier to teach habits that they see us doing versus. You know you should do this because I'm telling you that it's good for you, right? Well, because, if we really believe, it'm telling you that it's good for you so right?

Speaker 2:

Well, because if we really believe it, why wouldn't we do it for?

Speaker 1:

ourselves Exactly, which has made me do more stuff in front of my kids, if I'm being honest, sometimes like even so, also on the list is having a sense of purpose or spirituality, and I know that that looks different for everyone.

Speaker 1:

For me personally, I have a belief in God and Jesus and my walk in faith has done a lot to help me throughout my journey.

Speaker 1:

But again, I know that looks different for everyone and but so this is.

Speaker 1:

I can only speak to my journey. It's my faith and a lot of times I so I, you know the Bible app like, and it has all the devotions and stuff like that, so I would download that and all my kids saw was you by your phone, on my phone, and I was like that's not what I want them to remember and I don't feel like I got to be like I'm on the Bible. I'm on the Bible, you know. And so I made a conscious effort to switch to my you can't see the top of the frame but to switch to my paper Bible and even if I'm doing a devotion on that app instead of reading it on the app, the Bible parts like I'm highlighting in my so that they have a visual of, oh, mom's doing her Bible study every morning. Why is that important to her? Because we take a very like we lay our foundations for our kids. I will never force a belief on them because if it's not personal, then it's not beneficial.

Speaker 2:

It's not worth anything, yep.

Speaker 1:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

And so we talk about scripture, we talk about faith, we talk about my beliefs. You know I do. When they were younger I would do devotionals, you know, when they want to. Now I'll do it whenever there was phases of I don't want to do that. I'm not going to force it because I understand that your relationship with God is a very personal journey and them just mimicking what I tell them they have to do is not going to produce fruit. And so I wanted, I wanted them to have that visual every day of, oh well, mom's doing this every day. And it got to the point. Um, my youngest.

Speaker 1:

She picks up on little things and she likes to be helpful in those little tiny ways. That is so sweet. And if I had slept in or something, cause I have a morning routine, I take the dog for a walk every morning, blah, blah, blah, and then we have a certain way homeschool. So there's a certain time that we start homeschool and she got to. If she noticed that I was running late or something, I would come in from the walk and my Bible would be laid out with my highlighters and my pen, like she took note that this is just what happens next. So I think, setting those examples, like just letting them see and sometimes I do just want a quiet, private moment but then I think, like they're watching, like what they see me do is it's making it up here, whether they're repeating it right now or not. It's, like I said, like sometimes you don't see fruit for years, but it's laying those foundations and it's letting them know. This is what mom did, this is what mom turned to. This is how mom stayed calm. This is you know, why did? Why did she do this every day? It must've meant something. So they see me go on a walk every day, without fail, doesn't matter. Our dog gets a one mile walk every morning and every afternoon and they're always welcome to join. That's one thing. Sometimes I want to force, but sometimes I also don't want to walk for a mile with stomping, grumpy cats. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1:

But my oldest came to me not my firstborn oldest, but the oldest that I parent came to me months ago and was like can I go on your morning walks, will you wake me up? And I'm like, yes, I will, yes. So now she goes on the morning walk every morning. You wake me up and I'm like yes, I will, yes. So now she goes on the morning walk every morning and so just that consistency and letting them see you and inviting them to do it with you, which is one of the biggest praises I have for my grandparents and how they raised me, like I was always invited to live life beside them, it wasn't. It wasn't like go entertain yourself, go sit in front of the TV, go do this, go do that.

Speaker 1:

If, if it meant we had to pick extra eggshells out of the cornbread mix because grandma was teaching me how to break an egg, then we just it. It does. It creates extra work for now that's, I think, I think, most parents, however they were parented. There's things that you take and repeat with your children and things that you change, and that's one of the things I've been so grateful to repeat. Like even when it's created extra work for me. Like my kids now make dinner one or two nights a week from scratch I'm not talking box meals Like from the time they were little, they were in the kitchen with me and we I taught them how to cook and so they like it now and they take turns making a dessert every Sunday and they go back and forth and so just taking that extra time, even when it's hard, like and I've had friends that have joked me for it and now their kids are not capable of doing that and they're like man, I wish my kids would do that and I'm like I told you extra work now.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it's off later. Yes, I need to be better at that. I am not. I am not great at that. Um, I have not. It is hard.

Speaker 1:

It's hard, it is, and it's one of those things. You have to believe that the reward is going to be greater, and for me it was. It was really like I wanted them to be self-sufficient, like I wanted them to learn life skills that will serve them, but it has benefited me. It's really nice to be like I'm not feeling well today. Can you make dinner and then be like yeah, sure mom, like yeah know how to do it.

Speaker 2:

Like all right, well, you just gave me the motivation to invite some people into the kitchen today. Because I will tell you, I I have, I have a son. My oldest is 20, about to turn 21, and he is in college and he's on a meal plan and so they feed him like every hour, every half hour or whatever. But if it weren't for that, he would die, because he can't, he can't do anything.

Speaker 1:

How old are the ones in your home, your parenting? How old are the?

Speaker 2:

ones in your home, your parenting, so, um, so they are. My little ones are 10, 11 and 12. And then I have an 18 year old that is home but she's pretty self-sufficient. I we have walked and done some stuff with with her because she cares about that kind of stuff. But my little ones I have not invested in them in the same way, partly because I'm tired, but it doesn't. But they deserve my I mean, they deserve that, that chance, right Like they deserve my best too, and so I do need to get better about that kind of stuff with them.

Speaker 1:

I think, one way to take a little pressure off and to make it more special. If I mean, this is just my two cents give it to me. If you make it a sign a night to each of them. So you are. You know that you're going to have the remaining nights to just get through it, be quick. But each of them say it's Monday, tuesday, wednesday and they get special one-on-one time with you. They that one child gets to be the one in the kitchen learning how to make something.

Speaker 2:

And so Wow, yeah, that's that's a good idea. That is really important to us about setting aside time, but it's hard in a big family, so I can see how that would be Two birds, one stone kind of thing. Like Raquel, this has been great. I mean, this conversation has been great and I think is really, really important for caregivers, and so I think if caregivers have this information, have these tools and can see how it's played out in somebody else's life, I think that can be really helpful in helping them kind of incorporate things into their own life to bring about those points of resilience in their kids and in ourselves. I mean, we need that resilience in ourselves as well. You can see Raquel's nine points to resilience in her book. I will leave a link for the book, as well as her contact information, in the show notes today. Please check them out. I'm so grateful to have had this time with her and that she was able to share with all of us ways that we can work towards caring for ourselves and caring for our children better.

Speaker 2:

As we close out today, let me pray for us. Dear Lord, thank you so much for this chance, this opportunity to sit under the experience of somebody else who has walked this road already. Lord, help us invest in ourselves and invest in others. Well, help us sit under your guidance, under your love, under your protection, so that we can pour those things out on other people. God, you are our protector. You are the beginning of our resilience. Lord, help us to trust in you more fully. Help us to be more connected with you so that we can withstand the trials of this life. We love you, we trust you.