Foster Parent Well
Jump into "Foster Parent Well with Nicole T Barlow," where the adventure of Christian foster and adoptive parenting gets a little easier, a lot more joyful, and deeply fulfilling. Nicole's here with a mission: to guide you in parenting with a heart full of steadfast faith, unshakable endurance, and infectious joy.
This podcast is your cozy nook in the vast world of parenting, blending laughs, learning, and lots of love. It’s where self-care meets faith-filled encouragement, and mindset shifts help you navigate the rollercoaster of fostering and adopting. For every parent out there looking to refill their emotional and spiritual tanks, Nicole's got you covered with stories, tips, and expert advice that speak directly to the soul of a Christian foster or adoptive parent.
With "Foster Parent Well," it's like sitting down with a good friend who gets it—the highs, the lows, and everything in between. Nicole dives into the unique challenges and beautiful moments of parenting children with trauma, all while reminding you that taking time for yourself isn't just nice; it's essential for providing the stable, loving home these kiddos need.
So, why not make this journey together? Join Nicole and a vibrant community of faith-driven parents, all dedicated to transforming their lives and the lives of their foster and adopted children. Tune into "Foster Parent Well with Nicole T Barlow" for your weekly dose of encouragement, laughter, and wisdom. Hit subscribe, and let's start fostering and adopting with faith, endurance, and a joy that lights up the room.
Foster Parent Well
Working as a Team with Your Spouse
Imagine embarking on a journey that challenges every preconceived notion you had about family and faith. That's exactly the path Bruce and I found ourselves on, navigating the landscape of foster care and adoption. In this episode, we share our story of overcoming initial fears and uncertainties, and how our unique personalities helped us find a harmonious balance.
Marriage plays a pivotal role in this demanding journey, and we emphasize its importance in the fostering and adoption process. Bruce and I reflect on how serving each other and maintaining open communication has strengthened our relationship in the face of adversity. Through prayer and mutual support, we’ve learned when to speak, when to listen, and how to uphold each other as we walk this path together. Join us for an open and faith-filled discussion, as we aim to offer insight and encouragement to those walking a similar path.
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to, Nicole T Barlow. The last couple of weeks have been a little crazy, so you might have noticed that there wasn't a podcast that came out last week, and that's just because well, life as foster parents and adoptive parents, I am sure that you understand. Today we have a very special guest on the podcast. We are talking to my husband, bruce Barlow. We're talking about how spouses can work together and really be team players as they parent kids with trauma. Well, hey, babe, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2:Hi, babe, thanks for having me on. I've been looking forward to it.
Speaker 1:So we're going to talk today about spouses really working together as a team. I think this ministry is really hard. It can be really difficult and if partners aren't on the same page, it can be really, really challenging on a marriage and on the family unit as a whole. So I want us to talk today about what that journey has looked like for us, what it was like in the beginning when we made the decision to get into foster care, and how we have gone through those challenges along the way. And I mean, we haven't overcome everything. We are still working through certain parts of our parenting styles and differences and that sort of thing. But I thought it would be helpful for us to just sit down and chat about this. So let's talk about from the very beginning, because when I first came to you and said, hey, I think we should get into foster care, I think your response was, uh, no.
Speaker 2:I think that's probably exactly right, exactly how I put it. I think when you came to me and first asked the question about foster care, a lot of fear rose up in me, like oh gosh, this is going to be a messy thing that we're about to do, and I was afraid of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but for me, like I. So I accepted that. No, I really tried not to push and nag and all the things, but I kept having this nagging feeling like this is something that we are supposed to do. So I think I came to you again and I said, hey, I really think this, you know, this is something that we should pray about or whatever. And I think you agreed to like go to an informational meeting or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that I did and it felt like that was a very safe and easy thing to yield on would be to yeah, I'll go listen to a one hour class, and then I know that it led to the next thing that maybe there was more of an informational or a little bit more training.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so after the informational session there was like a longer class or whatever that you agreed to do and then after the longer class you agreed to do the paperwork. But I don't ever remember you actually saying yes to foster care as a whole. I mean you must have because we got into it, but I don't remember you making that actual decision that actual decision.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got to where we had checked all the boxes, we did all the things that would lead up to really having to come to a final decision. And I remember going out of town on a Monday and you were like we've got to decide this, yes or no. And I promised you that on my way to the airport that I would pray about it and come up with a decision. And that was true. When I got in the car and was heading to the airport, I began to be in the right posture, the right frame of mind and to be ready to talk to God, to hear what he would say to me when I asked him if it was his will for us to do foster care. And I remember really not even able to get the words out of my mouth, and I just felt the impression of the Spirit almost laughing like you really need to pray. Is this my will for you to take care of foster kids?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you know the word right and you know what the word says and you know what God tells his people that we should be caring for the orphan and the widow, and so you know, I'm sure that that's what's coming to mind as you're calling out to him right, asking him if this is what he has for us.
Speaker 2:Exactly Looking at the verses about visiting orphans and taking care of widows in their distress. That verse specifically, I looked at a little bit deeper Because when you just see visit on its surface, oh I can go do that, I can go somewhere and spend an hour with a foster kid. But that verse is much deeper, or that word is much deeper. It means to be proactive and go seek them out and to get involved in their lives and I think that brought a little bit more conviction that we need to open up our house to this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, often I see in training that the Lord puts partners together that are usually opposite, and a lot of times I will see that there is one spouse that is more quick to make those types of decisions, you know, to jump off of every cliff that there is. And then there's another spouse that tends to be more conservative in their decision-making, more cautious in what they are deciding to do and get involved in, and I mean, I think that's true of us, but I think it's been a blessing for us in that you kind of keep me from jumping off of the wrong cliffs and I probably keep you from, you know, just sitting still and not jumping off of any cliff.
Speaker 2:No, I agree. I think there is a God thing in that that we both are not the same person, they don't have the same personality, that there are strengths and weaknesses to both of our personalities and when put together, I think it allows us to really flesh out what God is asking us to do. There have been a lot of ideas that you've come up with and I've said no and felt very strong that this is a no, this is a no idea. But the ones that you have, I've known early that God was in it and I've been slower to respond and you've consistently like you need to take action.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. I mean that the foster care was the one thing that just kind of kept nagging inside of me, that this is something that we really we really need to do. I would, though, if you are listening and you and your spouse are not on the same page, I would urge you to make sure that you're on the same page before you walk forward, though, and if you're anything like me and you're the stronger personality that wants to jump off of every cliff, it can be really hard not to push and nag and kind of urge that other spouse into the ministry that you are feeling called to, but I think that if we hadn't have been on the same page, it would have been really bad, don't you?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, absolutely. If I would have felt forced into it by you being demanding or overbearing. I needed to hear from God myself and I think if that person that hears that calling first, probably it's a good advice to maybe just pray that your spouse is hearing the same thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree. Plus, I think that when we're not on the same page in this, if one spouse feels coerced to it, I think really it's going to hurt the marriage and potentially hurt the child as well.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's good.
Speaker 1:So okay, so you, finally, you pray about this you make the decision that, yes, you want to move forward in this. I will tell you and this tends to be how it goes I am super quick to jump into things. But then, once we actually got into foster care it was the first week or two I completely panicked because I jumped into things really fast but didn't necessarily think through all the pieces or whatever. Right, and you moving a bit more slowly and cautiously once you had made that decision, you were pretty steady. I mean, you weren't really rocked by the first couple of weeks.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's how it works out, at least for me, when I finally said yes and I'm in out, at least for me, when I finally said yes and I'm in, knowing the first setback or the first time that there's some difficulty. I remember that first incident very clearly. I don't remember what caused it, but I do remember us going to bed that night and whatever it was that happened with the child. They melted down or had a temper tantrum. I know that you were like I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm like, babe, it's going to be fine, we're fine, you can do this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it just felt overwhelming in the beginning for me and I just kind of. I just kind of panicked, um, but I do love that you were so steady through that time period and that season. Well, you know, through our first placement, I think our first placement the Lord was so gracious to us and our first placement in a lot of ways that the case was very rocky, but the placement itself was pretty easy for us and I I think that was the Lord's grace in, you know, allowing us to kind of walk gently into foster care and adoption. But when the kids went home so we had our first placement we had two boys and we had them for two and a half years before they went back, were reunified with their biological family and I think when they went home, I think that's where we started to see some of our first challenges, one of the first things being how do we grieve together as a couple?
Speaker 2:Yeah, those moments of when the kids went back to their biological family, I mean they were traumatic. You hear a lot about trauma and you know I'm married for the first time. I'm in my late 40s by the time we're doing this. I've never had children, had children and here we are, raising a baby for a couple of years and a four-year-old at this point, two children that we've raised for a couple of years and you're having to watch them go back. It felt like my own trauma.
Speaker 1:Well, it was trauma and I feel like part of the way that I dealt with it was I grieved for a little while but then I was ready to move forward. I was ready to take a new placement because I thought that that would kind of help me in my grief. It would kind of give me purpose that if we get back into this, we get back into foster care quickly and take another placement, then that will kind of help me move on. But that was not necessarily where you were and I feel I do feel like this time I kind of pushed a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, I was still hurting, much like the way I make decisions. I mean, it took a lot longer. So I remember that grieving process lasting beyond how long you were ready to move forward and I wasn't. I was very resistant to say, yep, let's turn the page, turn the page.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we took a placement that ended up just being for about two weeks, and that was probably the best case scenario because it allowed me to move forward a little bit. But I think after that placement left, we had to get back on the same track, right, like I had to give you some more time to process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and one of the good things about that time, that season in our life, there were a lot of changes going on. I mean, we had moved to another house, I was in between jobs, there were a lot of things that were quickly changing from one aspect to the other. So I think that season was good for me to just let go and, okay, I'm on this ride.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So after that season, after we had both had a chance to grieve, we got the call for our five adopted kids. So we get a place. We get a call for an adoptive placement for a sibling group of five and miraculously you said yes and I thought, for sure, that is a good thing, because you were so quick to say yes to that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think during that season maybe there's just so much going on and it was another major change that could happen in our lives. Like well, okay, but I think one of the good things about that is we had spent some time around a couple of the kids. These weren't perfect strangers for me, it wasn't just a picture or individual children that I'd never met. We had been able to watch and spend some time around at least two or three of them over the last year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we had done respite for a couple of our younger kids while they were in a previous foster home and while we I mean one of the kids came to stay with us while we still had the boys. So we had had relationship with these kids. So maybe that was helpful for you in being more open-minded. It didn't seem such like a leap of faith.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was a familiarity with them. It didn't seem quite so scary to think about taking five children.
Speaker 1:Maybe it should have been a little scarier if we had known what we were getting into. And there were some things, there were some challenges, like you just said. You know, in this season you had kind of changed jobs and we had changed houses and we were in a shorter term rental while we looked for a permanent house. But it was such a God thing, I think, in moving us into the house that we ended up in and all the puzzle pieces kind of coming together for us to be able to take these kids. I felt like it was him kind of nudging us into this situation, don't you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we had looked at the house that we ended up buying. We had looked at that house at least four or five months prior to this and, for whatever reason, we kept looking in the neighborhood at other houses, but this house just always remained available and, in hindsight, what we needed for a house with that many children was almost the perfect layout.
Speaker 1:It was the perfect setup, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that house had it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was great. So the kids move in. And I think our next hurdle was we were parenting lots of kids with some pretty extreme trauma and so we had to kind of shift gears in how we parented, Like we really needed to be a team, and in that season I don't think that we were. How would you do you remember that?
Speaker 2:A little bit, yeah, and I think you take it for granted that, hey, my style more permissive, not quite as disciplined, it's okay. You know that style of parenting is going to work fine compared to a lot of structure and more discipline. If there's a little bit of both, it's not going to cause any issues and I was very wrong about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so.
Speaker 1:so like you wanted to be the permissive, fun parent like good cop bad cop kind of thing, and you were OK with me being more of the disciplinarian, and that just wasn't working. It wasn't working. A disciplinarian and that just wasn't working, it wasn't working. And I had some exposure to more trauma-based parenting from some different things.
Speaker 1:I had done with different foster care groups in the past and had started to implement a lot of these things into the way that I was parenting. And a lot of that time also, you were traveling a lot for work, so I was parenting by myself and so when I was at home we were very structured. We had a very strict routine that we stuck to, making sure that the kids had what they needed and everything was predictable. They knew where to put their shoes, they knew where to you know, everything had a place and our routine was pretty much the same every day. But the way I remember it, you would come home on the weekends and it would be like willy nilly and I would get so frustrated because I felt like it was all, like everything I had done through the week just kind of fell apart.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd be gone for three or four days and I would look forward to coming home and setting my suitcase down and be watch a bunch of kids come running daddy and get excited that I was here and didn't think that it would be that big of a deal to be that personality like not really thinking that through that while you're creating this structure, and perhaps the way that I'm coming home is going to cause issues and it did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what did you notice first, like, did you notice the issues in the kids, or did you notice me struggling?
Speaker 2:First, I noticed you struggling how that was impacting us first and foremost in our marriage, that we were essentially parenting two different styles that we were essentially parenting two different styles.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think we had a sit-down talk and we really started to work through like what our kids needed and why they needed more consistency. They needed us to be on the same page and you do have a much more laid-back, nurturing style of parenting. Naturally, I am a much more structured person, naturally, but when we started working through this together, we realized that we both had to be both. Like it couldn't be a good cop, bad cop thing. Like we both had to be very high structure and very high nurture. So we both needed to fill both of those roles.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as you started giving me books to read and I started doing the research not as much as you, but started doing my own research it was evident that it's not enough to have one person that is high structure and then the other spouse be high nurture. That that's not equivalent to you both having a high level of structure and nurture together at the same time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I think when we started to do that we really started seeing some changes. I remember one time you went into one of the kids' rooms and said something and they said that's just like mom would say, it's like you're one person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a victory.
Speaker 1:I'm doing it, I'm doing it and that really is the goal right, like we want to be on the same team and I think for me. I remember that time and I felt so supported. I felt very loved and supported because I didn't feel like I was doing it alone anymore.
Speaker 2:Not that I'm perfect. I mean this is still something that is alone anymore. Not that I'm perfect. I mean we, this is still something that is. It comes up from time to time. I mean you really have to work at it, and at every moment.
Speaker 1:Sure, and I think that part of the beauty is we can hold each other accountable for that, like I can hold you accountable when you kind of let structure fall to the wayside and you can hold me accountable when I am not giving enough nurture and connection time and I'm not being fun enough. You know, I think we both can hold each other accountable in that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, and that's what's. That's what is satisfying to the marriage side of it. The kids are getting the benefit, but I think when we're supporting each other, that makes our marriage stronger.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So something happened last week and I remember telling you like I feel so supported right now. I had kind of reacted in a way that I didn't love and I hate that, you guys, in a way that I didn't love and I hate that you guys. I hate when I don't react calmly and regulated. When I get dysregulated and I kind of overreact to something, I feel a lot of mom guilt and it will take me out. It will send me into anxiety, into depression. I have a really hard time with it. And so this one day I overreacted to something first thing in the morning and I remember you came into our room and you were so kind to me and so gracious and you just said you need to take a nap and you need to just breathe. It's going to be OK.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the past rhythm that we would go through is you would get frustrated and, after losing, not responding to a child the way that you know that you should, you would also then respond to me in kind of the same way and my rhythm would be to get defensive in this particular morning, knowing, okay, be more empathetic, like I knew that you had gone several days without sleep, very minimal sleep, and you were exhausted and you were tired and of course, you're not going to respond well when you've not had that sleep. So that felt like the first thing to say is don't be so hard on yourself, you need to take a nap, you need some rest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself, you need to take a nap, you need some rest, yeah, and I think I mean that was I felt so loved and supported. But I also felt grace, like I felt like, okay, it's okay that I messed up. I took a nap, I got up, I apologized to everybody, I repaired with you, I repaired with the kids and we moved on. And I think we teach that right. We teach parents that it's okay to mess up and actually the repair, the mess up and the repair your kids seeing you do that is one of the most important things that they can see you do, because you're modeling that. None of us are perfect and you're modeling what repairs look like. But I think personally I have a really hard time when I mess up. I don't give myself grace, but you providing that grace for me gave me more empathy for myself to be able to have grace for myself.
Speaker 2:Thanks, babe. I'll try to do that from now on.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I mean, I think that we can help each other in that, in making sure that we're each getting the self-care that we need and that we're tagging each other out when one of us hasn't slept or isn't at their best or is about, you know, to be dysregulated, or whatever. We can watch those signs in one another and kind of switch places.
Speaker 2:Well, it's certainly something that we're trying to teach our kids, but it is kind of harder to apply that to each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure, I mean, it's hard for us to be self-regulated and it's also hard for us to remember that we're not just helping regulate our kids, that we are there to support each other in our regulation. That is definitely something that we are still working on. So what would you say is your top tip for couples that are really trying to be united and a team as they parent kids that have experienced trauma?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I alluded to this earlier to one of your other questions. Learners and for both parents to seek out knowledge about foster care and about trauma, to both be committed to giving the kids the very, very best that they can.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. It doesn't work for just one parent to do all the research and just try to convey that to the other parent. I think you're right. Both parents have to be learners in that.
Speaker 2:Yes, 100%.
Speaker 1:Well, babe, thank you so much for being on the podcast today. I'm glad that you are here and we were able to have this conversation.
Speaker 2:Thanks, babe, for having me. I enjoyed it immensely.
Speaker 1:It was so fun to have Bruce on the podcast today. He really is such a blessing to me and to our family, and the Lord has really worked in our marriage and in each of us individually, to grow us in our love for him and for each other, and I love how he's been able to use the ministry of foster care to really build up and strengthen our marriage over the last couple of years. If you enjoyed this episode, send it to a friend or maybe even send it to your spouse and, as always, subscribe so you get the podcast each and every week. Let me pray for us as we close out today. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for our marriages, lord. Thank you that you place people together that are different, lord, that complement each other, that really can build each other up.
Speaker 1:Lord, I ask right now that you put a hedge of protection around the marriages that are involved in foster care and adoption. Lord, these marriages need to be strong. Help foster care and adoption bring couples together and not tear them apart. Lord, help each partner be able to utilize their gifts for your glory and help us walk in unison with each other and with you. Lord, you know that we are quick to serve our kids over and over and over again, but help us remember that we need to be serving each other as well. Help us to see each other's needs. Help us discern when to speak, when to be quiet, when to hold each other accountable and when to give grace. Lord, we just ask that you help us be good partners to one another. We love you. We trust you, lord, in Jesus' name, amen. Amen.