Foster Parent Well

Responding to Lying

• Nicole T Barlow • Season 2 • Episode 27

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Lying is more than just a fib; it’s a complex dance of cognitive development and survival instincts, especially in children who have faced trauma. Join me, Nicole T Barlow, on Foster Parent Well as we unravel the nuanced reality of lying in  children who have experienced trauma. This episode is a heartfelt exploration into how lying can be a natural developmental milestone rooted in cognitive growth, involving skills like theory of mind and executive function. But when trauma enters the picture, it can twist these behaviors into survival mechanisms, creating a challenge for both children and their caregivers. With stories from a supportive network in Tampa, we'll uncover how community support plays a vital role in navigating these complexities.

As we guide our children through this intricate journey, it’s crucial to understand how lying affects not just them, but also us as parents. Discover effective strategies for managing this behavior, such as avoiding traps that provoke dishonesty and encouraging honest redo's. Our reactions, often ignited by the brain's protective drive, can sometimes do more harm than good. This episode offers insights into responding with grace and resilience, backed by neuroscience. Finally, reflect on the transformative power of parenting with love, grace, and unconditional support, ensuring our children feel truly safe, valued, and cherished. Join me for a thought-provoking session inspired by faith and the profound strength we draw from God.

Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to foster parent well. I'm Nicole T Barlow, your host. I am a mom to six amazing kids and a coach here to encourage you.

Speaker 1:

Today we're diving into a topic that may be tough for many parents, including me, and that is lying, specifically lying in kids who have experienced trauma. We'll talk about why it happens. We'll talk about what's happening in the brain when kids lie and how we can respond in ways that build trust and growth. We'll also talk about what lying does what our kids, lying does to our own brains and why we often react the way that we do. But first I wanted to talk a little bit about my recent trip. I just got back from a trip to Tampa. I shared a house with 10 other women, 10 dear friends of mine, and we spent like five days in Florida. We were there for a conference, but we spent a lot of time together with one another, encouraging each other, building each other up and really just having fun. And that is so necessary for us sometimes to be able to step out of our environment, to be surrounded by people that encourage us and build us up and just to laugh and have fun with our friends. So if you don't have that community, if you don't have that type of community, find that community, pray for that community, because it makes a world of difference. I tell you I didn't get much sleep on the trip because we were often up way too late just giggling and talking and enjoying each other's company. But coming back, even in my tiredness, I still feel so refreshed and encouraged and ready to take on the things in my life. So find yourself community.

Speaker 1:

All right, let's get back to the topic at hand today, talking about lying. We're going to start by talking about the developmental side of things. So lying is actually a developmental milestone for children, most kids. They will start experimenting with lying around the age of three or four and while it might surprise us when it starts and it can be very frustrating, it's actually an indication of cognitive growth. So children are learning in this stage of development, they're learning how to distinguish between what's real and what's imagined, and they're testing out the power of their words and their social influence. Developmentally, lying happens because kids are beginning to understand that they can alter the way others perceive reality just by using their words. You guys, there is power in words and we want our kids to learn that they have a voice and that there is power to their voice, and this developmental milestone is part of that development.

Speaker 1:

It may sound strange, but the ability to lie actually shows that their brain is developing in important ways. So, for example, lying requires two main cognitive skills it requires what's called theory of mind and it requires executive function. So let's break those down a little bit. Theory of mind is the ability to understand that other people have thoughts and feelings and perspectives that are different than theirs. So when a child lies, they're practicing this skill by really imagining what someone else might think or feel based off of what they say. So it's their way of exploring empathy, kind of, in a way, even if they're not doing it in a straightforward way. And then executive function includes skills like self-control, planning and flexible thinking. So when a child decides to lie, they're exercising self-control by not blurting out the truth. They're exercising planning in their brain by thinking ahead about what they're going to say. And then the flexible thinking comes in by coming up with a story or alternate version of events that didn't really happen. This might explain why children who haven't fully developed these skills yet might not always come up with the most believable stories. They simply don't have the mental capacity to construct a believable story. Yet I tell my younger kids all the time like I see the hole in your story because you have a child's brain and I have an adult brain. So an adult brain can see holes in your story. But as they grow, their lying one becomes more believable. But it also becomes a way to navigate social environments. It might be a way that they avoid punishment or try to avoid some sort of punishment or to gain approval. So when you layer trauma, though, onto this developmental process, things can get super complicated.

Speaker 1:

Trauma can disrupt this natural development and it can add layers to it of emotional need or fear, to the decision for a child to lie, to situations in a way that prioritizes survival over honesty and openness. In fact, it prioritizes survival over everything, and this is crucial for us to understand, because for our kids, lying is not just a choice. It's often a response to an overactive fear response system. So their brain has a built-in alarm system called the amygdala, and this part of the brain triggers the fight, flight or freeze response. In children who have faced trauma, this alarm system can become overactive or on high alert all the time, and it can interpret even neutral situations as potential threats. So when they feel backed into a corner, lying can serve as a way for them to avoid this threat, even if the threat is not real like a real physical danger in the present.

Speaker 1:

So research shows that trauma can alter the brain's pathways, especially in areas like the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain that's responsible for higher level thinking. It's responsible for planning and impulse control. So when a child with trauma is faced with a situation that triggers or even shame, the prefrontal cortex can go offline and the amygdala or the fight, flight or freeze response takes over. Instead of logically assessing the situation and coming up with a plan, the child's brain prioritizes survival and self-preservation over everything. So when a child lies, it can actually be their brain's way of saying I don't feel safe. They may be trying to avoid punishment or rejection, or maybe they're even trying to avoid a perceived loss of love. I mean, think about that for a second right. If they aren't sure, if they don't have a level of felt safety in that relationship, they may fear losing your love if their mistakes are seen. So keep that in mind too. I know it can be so hard to keep those things in the forefront of our mind, but trauma teaches our kids that they have to protect themselves, and sometimes they may do that by bending or hiding the truth. And this isn't manipulation, it's survival. So trauma, we all do this, though. I mean.

Speaker 1:

I was reminded of this. I was reading through the Word one day, and in Genesis 18, the Lord goes to Sarah and Abraham and says Sarah, you're going to have a baby, even in your old age. And she starts to laugh. And the Lord turns to Abraham and he says Abraham, why is Sarah laughing? And Sarah goes I didn't laugh, right? Doesn't that sound just like all of us? Right? Like the Lord knew that she was laughing. Why would she lie about that? But she didn't want her mistakes to be seen, she wanted to hide them, she wanted to glaze over them, right? It's the same reason why Adam and Eve in the garden when they ate of the fruit that they weren't supposed to eat of. They went and hid. They don't want their mistakes to be seen. So we all have that side to us.

Speaker 1:

It's not just kids from trauma, but if kids that have experienced trauma in the past and they may not feel relationally safe, then it may be even more present that lying or hiding the truth may be even more present. But it's not manipulation, it's just survival. But let's talk about the spiritual layer of this, because as people of faith, we deeply value honesty and integrity. So when we see our kids struggling with lying, it's easy to feel like it goes against everything we want for them. And the truth is it's not uncommon for lying to feel like a betrayal of trust against us too.

Speaker 1:

However, the Bible is full of reminders that we all fall short and that grace is at the heart of God's love for us. Proverbs 12.22 says the Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy. Notice that God delights in those who are trustworthy. Not perfect. Trustworthiness is something that grows with time, consistency and healing. We need to remember that our children's lying isn't a reflection of their character or their worth. It's a reflection of their wounds and God knows that, as parents, our role isn't simply to correct the behavior, but really to model grace, to model patience and forgiveness. This is an opportunity for us to show our kids that God's love and our love isn't conditional, unperfect behavior. We can teach them about truth and honesty all day long, but we do it from a place of compassion and understanding, knowing that that healing takes time. It takes time to develop felt safety and relational safety.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about some practical things that we can do to help our kids using trauma-informed strategies. So the first is to create an environment of safety and predictability. For a child with a trauma history, knowing that they're in a stable, loving and predictable environment is so important. When kids feel safe, they're more likely to trust that they don't need to hide the truth. Make it clear through your actions and your words that they belong, no matter what. Create rituals and routines and familiar touch points throughout the day. That can be so comforting to a child's nervous system because they know what's coming next. They know what to expect. So create that environment of safety and predictability. The second is to validate their feelings first, and then you can address the lie. So when you catch your child in a lie, try to respond by acknowledging the underlying feelings rather than focusing just on the lie itself. For example, say something like I can see you might feel worried about telling the truth. By validating their emotions, you help disarm their fear response and it might make it easier for them to open up and feel safe.

Speaker 1:

The other thing I will say here is we had a parent, this particular placement. Lying was a big issue, but at the same time there were a lot of other things that we needed to be focused on besides the lying itself. So it was a value for our family, but at the same point there were other things that we needed to focus on in that moment with that particular placement. And this parent coach just said to me listen, if you know that they're lying, don't ask them, don't give them the chance to lie. And I was like wait what? And she was like well, if you already know the truth, why would you give them the opportunity to lie? They don't feel have that level of felt safety yet, because it was a newer placement and they hadn't had time in our environment and so don't give them the chance to lie, don't set them up for that failure. Just don't ask them. And I was like well, I guess that's pretty simple, but we often don't think about it in that way.

Speaker 1:

The other thing we need to do the third thing is to encourage do-overs and to practice honesty. To encourage do-overs and to practice honesty Sometimes kids need a little grace and just a chance to do it over. So when you notice they've lied, you could gently say I know it can be hard to tell the truth, but let's try it again together and you can offer a second chance without any kind of punishment, and that can help reinforce that honesty is safe and that telling the truth won't lead to any kind of rejection. You're really walking through it together. You can also practice this behavior ahead of time, outside of the moment. Practice telling the truth over and over again. Then the other thing is you need to model honesty in your own behavior.

Speaker 1:

Kids learn so much by watching what we do, not just listening to what we say. So by being honest in our own actions, even in the little things, we show them that we value truthfulness, for example, admitting when we make a mistake or we have a tough day. You know, showing our own vulnerability can build trust and it can demonstrate honesty is safe and valuable. We can demonstrate taking responsibility for our actions and really creating an environment where it's okay to make mistakes right and then teach emotional regulation skills. Really walking through what do you do when a child feels overwhelmed? Teaching that child some things that they can do, things like deep breathing or grounding exercise. Teaching them some mindful practices to help them calm down when they feel overwhelmed, Because sometimes there are some really big emotions that we all experience, things like fear, shame, anxiety, things that are going to trigger that fear response where lying may be more prevalent. So really helping them walk through what to do when they feel these things so that they can help regulate their own system, all right.

Speaker 1:

The next thing that we're going to talk about isn't an aspect of lying that is discussed very often and that's the impact it has on us as parents. So when our kids lie, especially when it's repeatedly, it can trigger an intense emotional response within us as the parents, and often we don't really realize why or what's going on. So let's explore why this happens on a brain science level, because understanding what's going on in our own nervous systems can help us respond with a little more grace and resilience. So our brains are hardwired for connection. Neurobiologically, humans are. We are social beings. We're built to form bonds of trust and safety with other people. So when these bonds are secure, they release something called oxytocin. This is sometimes called the love hormone or the bonding hormone, and it fosters feelings of warmth, of trust and of safety.

Speaker 1:

But when we perceive a breach in trust, like when a child lies to us, our brains can react as if we are facing a potential threat, even as if we are facing a potential physical threat. Our brain doesn't always understand a relational threat and a physical threat. Our brain doesn't always understand a relational threat and a physical threat, it just sees threat. This can send us into protection mode and it may look like frustration in us, it may look like defensiveness or we may even feel a sense of betrayal. And this reaction is rooted in the brain's primary function to keep us safe from harm. So, just like we talked about, our kids are wired. Their brains are wired for protection, right, our brains are too, and so when this relational thing happens to us, when we are lied to, and our brains perceive this relational harm, then our brain goes into protection mode as well.

Speaker 1:

So the brain regions involved are the limbic system, which includes the amygdala, that alarm system in our brain, and the prefrontal cortex. So that's the part that's responsible for reasoning, judgment, logic, impulse control, all of those higher level thinking skills. So when we experience trust and connection, this prefrontal cortex remains engaged. It helps us think through things clearly and logically, it helps us respond calmly and it helps us maintain perspective. But when we feel like that trust has been broken, the amygdala can activate that fight, flight or freeze response and it prompts the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This is especially true if we already feel stressed or exhausted or overwhelmed and I don't know about you, but those things happen often in my life. So you know, a lot of times we're already at a level that is more easily triggered into that fight.

Speaker 1:

When our body goes into fight or flight mode, even if we logically know that our child's lying isn't a life or death threat, the response can cause physical sensations like a racing heart, tense muscles, all of those things that happen in that protection mode. Our bodies have an urgency to protect ourselves from being hurt, even if it's just from feelings of betrayal. Right, in reality, this protective response is rooted in our brain's desire to keep us safe, especially from relational pain or perceived harm, and our brain can't determine whether it's an adult or a child or anything like that. It can't decipher all of those things, it just experiences what we feel like is a hurt and it goes into that protection mode. So when our nervous system is activated by a child's lie, it becomes harder to access parts of the brain that we need for patience and empathy and calm reasoning. Our prefrontal cortex, which we need to make these thoughtful, gentle decisions, is much less accessible when that amygdala takes over. So we might find ourselves reacting impulsively and maybe with heightened emotions, even if that's not how we desire to respond.

Speaker 1:

Parents who frequently experience this, that they frequently experience their child lying. They might find themselves stuck in this state of chronic hyperarousal where their nervous systems become overly sensitive and it is very easily triggered by any perceived dishonesty or mistrust. It's almost like the brain is watching for that. Over time this could lead to your burnout, it can lead to a lot of irritability or even a sense of helplessness or hopelessness. So without the tools to re-regulate our own nervous systems, it's easy to get caught up in this cycle of reacting to our child's lying instead of responding to what is actually their own fear response. So what do we do when we feel triggered by our child's lying?

Speaker 1:

We're going to talk about some ways to regulate our own nervous system and bring ourselves back to a place of calm connection. The first one is to pause and breathe, and y'all I understand that this is much easier said than done, because when your amygdala kicks in, you aren't logically going wait, I should pause and breathe first, right, but you have to practice these things. You have to practice taking a moment to take a few deep, slow breaths. We want to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. That's what helps calm your body's fight or flight response. So slow breathing can signal to your brain that you're not in any immediate danger and it can help bring that prefrontal cortex back online so you can respond more logically and thoughtfully as if it's under a threat.

Speaker 1:

Use some grounding techniques like feeling your feet on the floor. Like really feel the floor If it's carpet, feel the softness of the carpet If it's hardwood or some kind of stone or something. Like really feel that under your feet. Notice physical sensations under your feet. Notice physical sensations. Hold on to something with texture, or like pick up something with extreme cold, like a piece of ice, and that can really bring your brain back to the present. This reminds your nervous system that in this moment you are safe and you can respond calmly. Also, prayer or listening to worship music also helps me bring me back to the moment itself.

Speaker 1:

The third thing is naming the trigger. So acknowledging to yourself I feel frustrated because this lie feels like a breach of trust and that can help lessen the intensity of the response itself. So when we label our emotions, we engage our prefrontal cortex, that thinking part of our brain, which makes it easier to regain control and really respond with intention. And then we really need to get back to reconnecting with our child's needs and considering things from their perspective, really trying to remain curious as to why they're lying in the first place. What is going on inside of them, what is igniting that fear response in them to where they feel like they need to lie? So try to remind yourself that the child's lying is likely a survival strategy. It's not a personal attack against you. And by taking a minute to really empathize with the fear or insecurity that might be driving that behavior for them thinking back to, maybe they're protecting themselves relationally. They don't want to be vulnerable. They don't want to be rejected. It may help create a space for compassion, which will naturally help you calm your nervous system, but it also helps you respond in a way that's more connected. And then remember to give yourself grace and patience.

Speaker 1:

Being impacted by lying is natural and normal. Your brain is wired for connection and protection, so it's only human to feel hurt when that connection feels compromised. When you experience this, give yourself grace, pause, regroup, come back to the situation later if needed. And if you mess up, you guys repair with your child. Model that repair. Make it normal in your house for people to make mistakes and then take responsibility for your mistakes. That is so huge for our kids to know that they're not the only ones who make mistakes. We make mistakes and we can repair that relationship right. That mistake doesn't completely sever that relationship. There are ways that we can repair those things.

Speaker 1:

Parenting a child with trauma can often feel like a roller coaster. Really, it can be a roller coaster for our own emotions and our nervous systems. But just like our kids need tools to manage their emotions, we need our own strategies to stay regulated and connected. Our brains, too are wired to seek trust and connection, and when we nurture that with intention, even through moments of lying or mistrust, we're modeling resilience and grace. So, ultimately, when we take care of our own nervous systems and learn to regulate our responses, we're better equipped to help our children grow and learn new ways of relating. In doing this, we show them that trust, even when it's tested, even when it's pushed against right, is possible, and that true connection doesn't depend on perfection. With God's help, we can be a steady source of love and safety for our kids, one moment at a time.

Speaker 1:

One thing that I was reminded of this week is that we are parents to our kids because our kids need parents right. We can't get frustrated when our kids are showing us that they need to be parented. If they knew everything and if they already walked with honesty and integrity and did everything right, they wouldn't need us as parents to show them the way. And so when our kids do things like lie right, they're showing us ways that they feel unsafe or ways that they need more skills to be able to work through some of the things that they're going through. So thanks for joining me in this episode of Foster Parent.

Speaker 1:

Well, if today's conversation resonated with you. Please share it with others in our community. Let me pray for us as we wrap up. Lord, god, I just thank you for your goodness and your sovereignty. Lord, thank you for the safety that you provide us. Thank you for the grace and the mercy that you give us. Thank you that we are able to mess up and still be called a child of God.

Speaker 1:

Lord, that is only because of the gift of your Son, jesus Christ, and the work that he did on the cross. Lord, we are able to make mistakes and we are able to come to you and to be honest with you about our mistakes and to be forgiven and cleansed and whole. Help us to give that kind of love and grace to our kids, lord. Help us to show them that they are loved no matter what. Help us to walk with them through hard times. Help us to be a place of felt safety for them, of relational safety for them, where they can show us their true, authentic selves, where they can show up as they are and be loved and know that they are worthy of love. God, we love you. We hope to honor you in everything we do In Jesus of love. God, we love you. We hope to honor you in everything we do In Jesus' name amen, thank you.