Foster Parent Well
Foster Parent Well is the go-to podcast for foster and adoptive parents who are navigating the complexities of parenting children with trauma while trying to stay sane in the process. Hosted by Nicole T Barlow, a foster and adoptive mom of six, parent trainer, and wellness coach, this podcast is where faith, resilience, and practical strategies come together.
If you're feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted from the daily realities of foster care and adoption—you're not alone. Here, we have real conversations about the hard stuff: attachment struggles, secondary trauma, parenting beyond behaviors, and the deep emotional weight of loving kids from hard places. But we also talk about you—your health, your nervous system, your faith, and the small, sustainable ways you can care for yourself so you can keep showing up for your kids.
Expect practical tips, faith-based encouragement, expert insights, and zero sugarcoating—just real, honest talk about what it takes to foster well, adopt well, and most importantly, stay well in the process.
Because parenting kids with trauma is a marathon, not a sprint—and you were never meant to run it alone.
🎧 Subscribe now and let’s do this together!
Foster Parent Well
Beyond the Buzzwords: Why Trauma Knowledge Transforms Parenting with Melissa Pemberton
Stepping into foster care or adoption without understanding trauma is like trying to navigate unfamiliar terrain without a map. That's why this conversation with Melissa Pemberton, a trauma-aware licensed therapist and parent coach with over 20 years of experience in child welfare, is absolutely essential listening for anyone caring for children from hard places.
Melissa shares her personal journey from being a teen mom with her own childhood trauma to becoming a powerful advocate for trauma-informed parenting approaches. She explains why traditional parenting methods often fail with children who have experienced early adversity—even those adopted at birth—and offers practical insights that transform how we understand challenging behaviors.
Whether you're already fostering or adopting, considering this path, or simply want to better support families in your community, this episode provides essential insights that will forever change how you view children's behaviors and your role in their healing journey. Download Melissa's free resource on regulating your nervous system and connect with her at mendingfamilieswa.com to continue learning these transformative approaches.
Melissa's Info:
www.instagram.com/mendingfamilieswa
FREEBIE for listeners - 6 Tips to Calm your Nervous System - https://mending-families.myflodesk.com/calm
OTHER RESOURCES Mentioned:
Get Nicole's Newsletter: https://nicoletbarlow.myflodesk.com/fosterparentwellnewsletter
Mending Families Podcast: https://www.mendingfamilieswa.com/mending-families-podcast
Empowered to Connect Podcast: https://empowered-to-connect-podcast.castos.com/
The Connected Child: https://a.co/d/h6Ddu1v
The Connected Parent: https://a.co/d/bl2Gwy9
Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: https://a.co/d/hDQXcDQ
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to, Nicole T Barlow, mom of six five through adoption I'm a certified wellness coach and a parent trainer. I'm here to help you care for yourself while you care for your kids, especially when you're parenting in the hard places.
Speaker 1:I hope you all had a beautiful Easter last week, whether it was peaceful or chaotic or a mix of both. I pray that it pointed you back to hope and renewal. Today I've got a special guest, melissa Pemberton, joining me for a conversation I think every foster and adoptive parent needs to hear, even if you're just considering foster care or adoption. We are diving into some steps to becoming trauma-informed and why it's not just a buzzword but it is a game changer on this parenting journey. My guest, melissa, is trauma-aware licensed therapist, a parent coach, a podcaster and the owner of Mending Families. She has over 20 years of experience working with families in child welfare, from case management to writing home studies, to running a foster care nonprofit, and she is trained in a variety of trauma-aware curricula. I'm so excited for you to hear from her. She is a wealth of knowledge. Welcome to the podcast, melissa. I'm so excited to have you on today, so tell us a little about you and how you got into the foster care adoption world?
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. So gosh, so much about me. No, I'm like, where should I start?
Speaker 1:Do you want to hear about my childhood? No, Sure Listen if it pertains to it.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean it kind of does Like I had. I had a rough childhood growing up, um, and found myself a teen mom, um, and I had started college and then dropped out of college and when I went back I was going to be an elementary teacher and went to school for that, and then I took um a developmental psychology class and it was in that class that I was like wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't want to be a teacher, I want to help kids who, like I, was seeing a lot of like a lot of myself that like I didn't realize I had things that were so hard in my childhood and I also was seeing, like I was potentially like repeating patterns with my daughter, and so that class was kind of transforming for me. I ended up going down the road of social work and got my master's in social work as a single mama. So you know, good job Wow.
Speaker 1:That's hard. I mean, that's no joke, honestly Like I was a single mom for seven years and that is, I would have never gone back to school at that time. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, and thank goodness, like my mom, we joked a lot that my mom was basically my daughter's dad.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah yeah, yeah, she was so supportive, but so went down the route of social work and ended up working for Child Protective Services for a few years and that was kind of like, okay, this is good.
Speaker 2:But also like I'm seeing a lot of foster parents who just aren't trauma informed and don't get this, and so I kind of decided to go the route of how can I be some more supportive of foster parents?
Speaker 2:Um, and found myself working for a foster agency nonprofit foster care agency in town and um, and that was great and it was actually cool, cause I was able to bring TBRI to that agency and we required all of our foster parents to take TBRI training and we're just really trying to like wrap around the trauma informed piece there. Um, and then ultimately I just decided three years ago that I wanted to do my own thing and I wanted to start my own business, and so I started Mending Families in June of 22 with the intention of just continuing to really bring trauma-informed practices to families, to individuals, whether it's through therapy, family therapy, parent coaching, um, my podcast, like whatever it is, there's just um, we just know so much more now about how trauma affects the entire person and I don't think that the state agencies do a good job of really preparing foster and adoptive families for that. So, um, just trying to fill that gap, one person at a time.
Speaker 1:That is huge. I mean honestly, like that is a really, really, really big deal and really, really crucial for the people that are going to be doing this work to be equipped to do the work right. Where do you feel like? You first learned about trauma-informed practices or whatever? Was it in school? How did you get tossed into that world? I think so many professionals aren't informed in that kind of stuff, and so how did you become aware of trauma-informed practices aware of trauma-informed practices, you know, sadly, it was.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to say sadly, but it is kind of sad that it took me this long. It was 2016 and I went to the Empowered to Connect conference, but I don't think it's called that anymore. It's called something else. It's called Hope for the Journey. Yes, so I went to that and that was the first time I had heard of TBRI, and by that point, I had been parenting for 16 years already, which is why I say sadly, because I feel like my oldest daughter kind of got you know, she didn't get the best of me, but that was the first time I heard about TBRI in a way, or trauma-informed parenting, in a way that really made sense and really put a lot of the pieces together as far as, like, what I knew about attachment and what I knew about, you know, attachment, wounds and what I knew about how the brain works different. It was like I knew all these things from my time working for in the child welfare system, but I hadn't seen it all put together in that way.
Speaker 2:Um and so that was the first time, but prior to that, you know, when I worked for CPS, I don't think I realized that what I saw missing was trauma-informed care. What I saw was foster parents who were faith-based homes, and they were the hardest foster parents for us social workers to work with. They demanded more money, they felt like they were owed something, they had the most complaints. They asked to have kids moved more often, and so it was that piece that I was like wait, if we're believers, we're Christians, shouldn't we love like Jesus, loves Like what is happening here? But what I think I saw after the fact, when I look back right, I think what I saw was they didn't have the information, they didn't understand trauma, they didn't understand that it affects the whole child, which then, in turn, affects the whole family, and that was the piece that was missing. So, to answer your question, consciously, 2016, but I think that I saw that prior to um, prior to that, and I just didn't have a name for it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Like it was, it was probably easier for you to attach to those ideals, those pieces of the puzzle, when they all came together, because you had seen evidence of that all the way all along. What drew you to that conference in the first place?
Speaker 2:Because I'm not really sure. Oh, it was just that, that was the world I was in, and a friend of mine who is a foster parent, she was going and so she. So I was like, yeah, I mean, I have time, I can go, I can have it be like my work day, basically, and so it was more just that idea of as a social worker I was wanting to continue to uh, increase my knowledge around how can we help these kids that we're working with? Um, and was very much in the world of well cause.
Speaker 2:I was a foster parent for a short time too, when I was a single mom, and then also my husband and I fostered a teen mom and her son for a short period of time. That was after I went to that conference. But so I was very much like my friends were foster parents, I had been a foster parent, I was in social work, and so it was like I need to know what this is. So it was really that of just like expanding my knowledge to better understand the kids that are in my life.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 1:I think that that, as any foster parent, adoptive parent, anybody in social work, I think we constantly have to stay in that space where we're open to learning and and taking in new knowledge, because things, I mean, they're learning so much about the brain so rapidly you know all of this evidence, stuff is just coming down the pipeline very, very quickly, and so I think it can just, I mean, we just get better with, you know, with a lot of that knowledge.
Speaker 1:I do think it's very interesting that you say that church people were the hardest to work with, and in some cases I definitely can see that, especially for people that are stepping in ill-equipped, because I think a lot of times, as Christians, we have certain standards for our lives. We have standards for our homes, for our kids, for whatever, and sometimes we can place such a high value on those standards you know that our lives should look different, that we should look holy, all the things that in theory are good that we actually miss the heart of all of it. We miss the heart of all of it. We become so focused on how things look that we miss what we're really supposed to be, the heart of what we're really supposed to be doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it's tricky because at least in our area there's a push for churches to have more people become foster parents. Right, yeah, and that's great. Become foster parents right, yeah, and that's great. But then what right? The state doesn't do a good job of preparing them for what actually it means to care for a child who's experienced trauma? Yeah, and so unless they, the individuals themselves, have an extensive background in child development or trauma-informed care or therapy, or then they just don't know and we're setting them up to fail. And so that, to me, is the if we could bridge that gap and somehow get churches to understand. It's not as easy as just telling people to sign up to become a foster parent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we gotta know more before we step into that role. But, um, yeah, that's definitely what I saw and it was hard yeah, I I could.
Speaker 1:I can see that very, very easily. Our state has changed our training, our our pre-service training in our state and it is very trauma-informed, um, and pretty extensive. At at this point I think it's like 30 hours of training and I don't think that parents can handle much more than what we're giving them through that time. But it is very trauma informed and I know so. I do pre-service training for foster parents and our agency works primarily with churches and I do I lay it all out on the table, because if you don't, then people don't really understand what they're jumping into. And I think a lot of times as professionals and parents that are in it, that know the ins and outs and things, sometimes I think we're afraid to tell people what it's really like because then we're afraid people won't sign up.
Speaker 1:But it is very interesting to me that specifically our agency specifically works with churches and Christian foster parents. So I don't know how this works outside of that realm, but inside that circle what I see is actually just the opposite. I mean I will tell parents like I mean you need to be prepared for anything. Like I mean anything, like I don't care if somebody burns your house down you say, okay, I'm going to get a new one right, like it's that kind of I try to give them that level of difficulty, not because everybody's going to face that level of difficulty, but so that they're aware that that level of difficulty exists.
Speaker 1:Correct, and what I actually find is people are almost more excited at the end of that training and it's because people are not really afraid of hard as much as they're afraid of the unknown, yeah, and they're afraid of not having purpose, yeah. And I think when we say, hey, this is going to be hard, but this is how we're going to equip you to handle things. These are the tools, these are the resources, these are the things that you can lean on, then I think it has it, doesn't? People don't shy away from it in the same way that we fear that they will. And, honestly, if they do shy away from it, they might need to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, it's not for everyone they might need to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, there probably are some people that you know, like, bring a meal to a foster family to help out. You know there are some other ways that you can give, but if that's not how you feel like God's calling you to step in at this time, that's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, and I think that's important for people to hear too is it takes just as much of the village around the foster home as it does?
Speaker 1:Not just as much.
Speaker 2:The foster home is doing a lot, but they need to have a village and they need people around them that get that. It's hard, and what they don't need to hear is well, why don't you just put, you know, send them to bed timeout. Why don't you just take away the TV? Why don't you just spank them Like, why don't you just like that's?
Speaker 1:what they don't need to hear is those judgment calls, because unless you understand trauma, that's not good advice. So even if you, do understand trauma.
Speaker 2:You won't be giving that advice, that's right. Yes, thank you. And so that foster parents need to have people around them that are either willing to get it and step into that with them or just keep their mouth shut and bring them a meal and, you know, clean their house for them and, you know, be willing to take the dog for a walk and because, um, that is is super important for families who are stepping into this, who do get that it's hard, who do understand that trauma is bigger than just you know, oh, I can love them and they'll be fine. It doesn't work that way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it doesn't, and I mean that's been a blessing for us in this season where we're not fostering, we're not active foster parents, but we have been able to pour into other foster parents and be that listening ear. Sometimes, when they need, you know somebody who gets it, somebody who understands, somebody who's not going to give them.
Speaker 1:Hey, just take away TV for a month you know, kind of advice how do you start to work with families to help them kind of understand trauma-informed practices? Because I find that there's a big shift to get from point A to point B and if you have people that have jumped in, you know, and they're in the trenches already, how do you get them from point A to point B quickly?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, what's interesting is, um, the families that reach out to me many of them are adoptive families, okay, um, and they're realizing, like this is harder than we thought it would be, or we've tried everything else, we don't know what else to do. We're willing to try this TBRI thing, right? Yeah, I think that helps because they are in that space where they're already motivated to try something new and make a change. Where it can be a little bit more difficult when, when I'm working with a family who isn't there and maybe it's like I've worked with maybe five families, total of that are in this place of somebody told them they had to do this service and so they're just jumping through the hoops, and that is a lot harder because they don't think what they're doing is wrong, not wrong. They don't think that what they're doing is harmful to their child or maybe not the best way to parent a kid from hard places. They don't get that and so that's harder. So if we're talking about the majority of my clients, which are they're motivated to change, they're motivated to try something new, it's easier to get from point A to point Z.
Speaker 2:But I always start with let's look at your history as a caregiver. What childhood trauma did you have? Have you worked through it? Are you in therapy? What is your body responding to? What support system do you have? And then we look at what's the child's history, understanding the risk factors, understanding how, even in utero, stress, trauma, exposure could have affected how their brain and body develop. So that's like the that's the jumping off point that I start with with every family is let's look at the past.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you see a gap sometimes with parents that adopt newborns or younger kids, in that they weren't expecting the same kind of trauma for parents that adopt older?
Speaker 2:kids. Here's what I would say about that. I think it for those families that reach out to me, and they did adopt from birth and maybe I'm the first service that they've had in their home or working with their family in an extensive way.
Speaker 2:It is interesting how often they don't understand that that in utero trauma, birth trauma and early hospitalization or first year of life attachment wounds can really play out into the child's life.
Speaker 2:And I think, again, that's a piece that I wish that was taught more, whether for foster care, training or before someone becomes an adoptive parent that you can adopt from day one and still have a kiddo who has experienced trauma that has changed the wiring of their brain or how they feel in their body, right, um and so I would say that, as far as, like, families who have adopted older kids, it just seems like they tend they may still be surprised when I bring out that information Like here's what we know about kiddos who experienced trauma in utero, here's how it can play out in their life, right, there's families who are surprised by that and it's like new information for them.
Speaker 2:But because they've adopted an older child, they just have been through more. Perhaps I actually don't I mean, this isn't scientific or anything, it's just my perception, maybe, of what I see and so it feels like they are a little bit more on the side of like, yeah, I get that this kiddo has experienced a lot and it's changed their wiring of their body and their brain where somebody who adopted a newborn that is a little bit harder to get there. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I see that too.
Speaker 1:I mean I see that in people that are entering the process and just starting the process, whereas they may feel drawn to newborns or toddlers because they feel like they're going to skip over that trauma step talk to parents about all the time is a lot of times it's actually the kids that are experiencing that trauma in utero, in the infant stage, in the toddler stage, that sometimes have the worst impacts because of the period of time where it's affecting their brain, where they're not getting the things that they need, whereas an older child maybe they had a couple of years.
Speaker 1:I mean I know with one of my kids. She had a couple of years where she was in a very loving nurturing environment for those first three or four years of her life and so the way that her brain processed trauma and worked through the trauma was very different than my kids that didn't have that same nurturing experience during that season, because her brain is old enough to process some of the things that's happening, whereas you know when, when you have infants, I mean their brains can't understand anything that's happening to them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, and that's that's another piece that I look at with my families is not just the you know, risk factors or the early, you know, childhood trauma zero to three, essentially but also like attachment stuff, like what did that look like for them? Did they get the attachment cycle completed a hundred thousand times like they really needed? And so we look at that a lot. The attachment cycle completed a hundred thousand times like they really needed, um, and so we look at that a lot, um, and we also look at just how the brain develops in general and how anything that comes in the way of that typical brain development can affect how they, um, you know they can adapt behaviors to survive, but then those behaviors can become maladaptive in a healthy environment, right, but they're just trying to survive. So some of it is really just helping families better understand those pieces that can be. That can make a huge, significant change for them, just because it changes their mindset, it allows them to see their kids through a different lens. The compassion grows, um, and that's huge, yep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I. I would imagine, when parents come to you, though, that they're already like in dire straits, right Like there I know. So I coach foster and adoptive parents, like in health stuff, to work on their self-care and health strategies so that they can parent better. And one of the things that I see is that parents don't usually come to me until they're having health problems, because they think they don't need it before then. Right, and so you had mentioned the same thing on the parenting aspect. But so then how do you kind of come alongside of them and support them and help that parent feel supported, because it takes time to get that knowledge into them, and at the same time, right like you don't just go I'm guessing you don't just go straight to here's what you say to correct this behavior, right, like it doesn't work like that. And so how do you help them feel supported in that season where they need hope, hope, but? But the solution isn't a quick fix.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's why I always start with like looking at them like what, what was your childhood like? What traumas have you been through, um, in your whole life, you know? Are you in therapy? What are you doing for yourself? How are you taking care of yourself? How are you taking care of your marriage? Like that is one of the first conversations that I have with them to just kind of get them thinking through that, that um. And and one thing that I just really try to hit home with every family I work with is it starts with us Like when I work with a family, I see the caregivers by themselves, without the kids, probably the first four or five times before we even bring the kids in because it starts with us as the caregivers, from recognizing our own triggers to identifying, like, what are some things I need to work on?
Speaker 2:Am I taking care of myself? Am I doing the things I need to do to stay healthy? Because if I'm not calm and regulated, I can't give that to my kiddo Um, so that's kind of where I start. And then the other piece is all of the strategies I teach are typically based in play, and so it just makes it a lot, um, more manageable to say okay, for 10 minutes. I'm going to play this game that Melissa taught us with this kit with my kiddo, and I don't need to have all the answers today, but I'm going to just play these games that are teaching skills to both parents and kids, and you know that that's the hope. Is that, um, that will then help make new patterns, new connections in the brain?
Speaker 2:Um, but the other thing that I always tell families is when we're done with our time together, you're not going to look back and say, gosh, we're a completely different family, right, it's going to be a year from now. If you continue to put in these little tools that I've taught you, or make these little changes, one step at a time, one change at a time, a year from now you'll look back and say we've come a long way and it's not going to be perfect. You're still going to have your moments. You're still going to, you know, have times where you just can't, you know like, but you're going to be able to see that change. So it's not the sprint, it's the marathon.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's good. I mean, that's true with anything. I mean, you know, is that when we look for that quick fix, often it doesn't give us the end result that we're looking for. If we want the long standing change, we have to make the little incremental changes that it takes along the way. Well, what do you think are some of the biggest tools for parents to have to know, resources for them to have, in order to equip them better for parenting?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think that it kind of depends on how they absorb information. So I think that information so, um, I think that reading or listening to podcasts are good, a really easy way to just start thinking about things differently, cause that's how it starts, right? I had mentioned that before that like if somebody is telling you to do it, it's you're going to be resistant, but if you're feeling like I think I wanted to learn more about this, you know there's some really good books. The Connected Child is a great one. The Connected Parent Parenting Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors by Robin Goble is an amazing one. So maybe even just starting there if you're a reader or listening to them on Audible. Another would be podcasts. So your podcast is great. There's the Empowered to Connect podcast. That is another great one. That just gives like little nuggets of TBRI, so it's not like overwhelming. You just can listen to it and absorb what you want from it and maybe try something new this week. Um, my podcast. I, you know, would love people to to see if they learn anything new. Um, from my podcast.
Speaker 2:Um, but then also just the, the biggest thing. I think that and this is one of the first homework assignments I give to my families is 10 minutes of one-on-one time with your kiddos at least once a week. If you can do more, great, but some of us with bigger families that's hard, right, because we have to like schedule it and anyway. But 10 minutes of one-on-one time with your kids, it's the play factor, it's allowing them to be see, to feel seen, heard and valued. For that 10 minutes longer if you can, right, but I'm just saying 10 minutes.
Speaker 2:It's a baby step. We don't need to like do a whole big, drawn out, big production. And also it allows them to feel delighted in. And that's so key for our kids to feel precious and delighted in. And that 10 minutes of time of just being able to like look in their eyes and smile at them and, you know, say, gosh, you are so creative. I love how you are sharing your Legos with me. You are such a good friend right now. You know, those things that just allow them to feel seen, heard and valued is so important. So that would be, you know, if we want to learn more books and podcasts, if we're like I want to actually do something, 10 minutes of one-on-one time with your kiddo.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that one-on-one time was huge in my house for my, for my kids, and I mean we even started with five minutes, but we did it. We did it every single day. Um, we just set aside 30 minutes, y'all. 30 minutes it's not that long, 30 minutes every single day. I have six kids. I literally went from room to room and and and also I mean, on top of like, helping them play and feel connected and feel seen and all of that kind of stuff, we let our kids be the boss of the play during that time and so it gave them a little bit of control, which you know I think adds to their felt safety. It again helps them feel like you were saying, seen and heard and all the things.
Speaker 1:But they got to decide how we were going to play.
Speaker 2:I'm glad that you brought that up, because I did miss that part that it is important for our kids to lead the play right. It needs to be child led play Um, because we oftentimes will get into this place of like well, you know, I'm going to make my Lego house with a brown roof, cause that's what a roof usually looks like and that can then feel like I'm trying to control the play Right. And we do want our kids to feel like we're sharing power with them, because that's the reality. Like I don't need to have all the power, I don't need to be the one that's like always in control of. I would love that, but that's not reality. Right, right, right, right, right.
Speaker 2:I think I even said that to one of my kids this week. They wouldn't put on it, she wouldn't put on a coat when we were going for a walk. It was like 50 degrees, but I was cold and I was like I just want to control you right now and have you put on a coat, but you know she went without. But that's the whole idea is allowing our kids to feel like they have some control over whatever it is, and that 10 minutes of play is the perfect time to do that, because it's a safe time, it's a playful time, and then our only job is to basically do what they tell us to do and delight in them. And that's easy. We can do that for 10 minutes, right? Yes?
Speaker 1:absolutely Well, and one of the things that we saw in that time was that each of our kids, their play styles, is so different, right, and so I'm not asking them to adjust to my play style, I am letting them like. I have one kid that's very artistic and she just wants to create during that time. She wants us to draw, she wants us to color, she wants us to paint, she wants us crafts, right, like it's that kind of stuff all the time. I have another kid that wants to play army Legos and that's just what. So, but it's allowing their personality, like you get to kind of see who they are in those moments and what their gifts are like, how the Lord has gifted them, and I think it gives us insight as to how to grow those gifts and talents in them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, and we're stepping into their world. Right yeah, we're not making them come into our world where I have all the control, because if I don't, I'm going to feel anxious and I'm stepping into their world. I'm curious about who they are as a person. I'm delighting in who they are as a person.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, and it's totally relational. It doesn't have anything to do with efficiency or productivity. I am a task-oriented person, or I am a task-oriented person and so, but I just got in the mindset that this 30 minutes, this is what it's for, so I actually probably need to get back to that a little bit More. I spend all day with my kids. We homeschool, and so sometimes I take for granted that we spend so much time together, all together, anyway.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And my kids are a little bit older. But yeah, I mean I really valued, I mean that time was so, so crucial, especially in the beginning.
Speaker 1:But it's never too late to do it you know, yes, well, and somebody I had somebody on the podcast, I don't know, a while back, a couple of months ago, that was talking about, you know, cooking with your kids. I mean, there's all of these life skills now that my kids are getting older that they need to learn, that I really need to be pouring into them in some of those ways. You know, it's not just play anymore, but really preparing them for what is to come, but because before too long they're going to be adults out on their own. So really taking advantage of the time that we have together, now.
Speaker 1:Now, well, what differences do you see, Melissa, in parents when they first come to you right and when they finish their services with you? Like, how has their mindset, their hearts, like, how do things shift along the?
Speaker 2:way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for the most part, I would say that most families go from a place of feeling like they are failing as parents because, especially in the church world, a lot of us were raised that way.
Speaker 2:Right that your kids are, that's a direct result of how you are as a parent, is how your kids are respectful to others and whether they listen and obey, and all of that Um, and they go from this place of feeling like I'm failing as a parent, I don't know what to do, my kids don't listen to me, I, you know, and feeling constantly frustrated with I actually don't like my kid, I hear that often um to a place where, um, they still are feeling big feelings, but they feel like it makes sense, like I get where this is coming from now, and they get to a place where they can actually hold space for and slow down for the big behaviors to then see the need behind the behavior.
Speaker 2:And you know, even though that slowing down, seeing the need behind behaviors, holding space for that can feel it takes more time, so then it takes more energy, so it's exhausting it actually, you see results and so then you kind of look back and say, gosh, me trying to control them by threatening them and taking things away and trying to control every way everything that we do was even more exhausting because I was putting so much out there. Where this is like you get to see results. You get to see that your kids actually respond and melt into your arms and want to be with you and want to hold you and aren't chucking things at your head.
Speaker 2:That's nice, we always like that that's a good day. Yeah, but it's like glimpses of it. So it's not like they're going from, you know, point A to point Z. It's like they might be at point D and saying I'm seeing glimpses of hope here, that that's where then they can continue on that path. And I have families who still reach out to me and I've worked with them two years ago and they will text me still and be like remind me again, what do I do with this? Yeah, yep, absolutely, I'll remind you, because that was a lot and I love that you're still trying to do this two years later.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it's hard pick up a you know connected child and flip through you know different things and different strategies or watch different videos to remind myself like, oh yeah, this is, this is how I need to either view this like it's a mindset shift or I need to be actually physically doing something different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. Well, and I do too, like I reread the Robin Goebbels book often and I'm always buying new books to be like, okay, I, I, I struggle too, and so, and I think that's what you know, my me just being really real and saying to my family's like, yeah, I yelled at my kid yesterday and I had to repair, and I find that that is actually better than if I just said, well, it was his fault, he didn't do what I said. You know, then I'm, I just I'm real with it, like this is hard and so we're doing it together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, well, and I think it shows that that we don't ever get to a place of perfection, like the expectation isn't that you're going to get to a place of perfection, right? Because I think if that's what we feel like we're striving for, then I feel like I'm always constantly failing, whereas if I know that I'm not going to get to perfection, like I, I just do the best that I can every single day, and and then tomorrow I do the best that I can. That day.
Speaker 1:Tomorrow's a new day, that's right. Well, Melissa, how can families find you what you know? Where can they look for you or whatever, for resources that you have, or you know things that you have to offer?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my website is probably the best way, cause everything is on there. I have a you know, a blog on there where I post once a month. I have my podcast, um, you can listen to any of those episodes, but I also have resources, um, as well as services that I offer. So that's wwwmendingfamilieswacom. Um, and then I'm on Instagram and Tik TOK and Facebook, and those are all, uh, mending families, wa. So, um, you can find me on all the social media too. So, um, I also would love to give your listeners a freebie, um, so I think I sent you that link, but if I didn't, let me know. Um, I just created a one pager that is six tips to calm your nervous system because, like we've said, it starts with us and we have to make sure that we are regulated so that we can then help our kids regulate. So I have that for your listeners if they want to grab that freebie.
Speaker 1:Awesome, I love it. I will put all of those things in the show notes. Awesome, I love it. I will put all of those things in the show notes. And, melissa, I just thank you so much for all the value that you've brought to everybody today and just giving parents, I think, hope that this space may be hard, but there are tools, there are resources, there are people there to walk alongside of them as they walk through this journey. Yeah, so thank you.
Speaker 2:Of course, yeah, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:Phew, wasn't that so good. Melissa shared so many helpful insights and practical tools. I know you're going to want to dig into them even more. Don't worry. I've linked everything we talked about in today's show notes so you can go back and check them out after this episode. If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a quick favor, take a second and rate and review the podcast? It helps so much in getting this out to more foster and adoptive parents who need the support. And, if you haven't yet, be sure to sign up for my newsletter. That link is also in the show notes.
Speaker 1:Every week, I share quick, faith-filled tips on trauma and wellness for us as parents. Just last week, I sent out a few tools for regulating in those moments of pure chaos, because we've all been there. Right Before I go, I'd love to pray over you and I hope you have a great week. Father, thank you for every parent listening today. You see the weight they carry and the love they give so freely. I ask that you strengthen them for the road ahead and remind them that they are never walking it alone. Give them wisdom as they care for children from hard places and help them receive your care for their hearts too, lord. Help them understand that they matter when the days feel heavy. Bring peace. When the moments are messy, lord. Bring clarity and in all things, may they know that you are near and that they are deeply, deeply loved. Jesus, we love you, we trust you. It's in your name we pray, amen.