Foster Parent Well
Foster Parent Well is the go-to podcast for foster and adoptive parents who are navigating the complexities of parenting children with trauma while trying to stay sane in the process. Hosted by Nicole T Barlow, a foster and adoptive mom of six, parent trainer, and wellness coach, this podcast is where faith, resilience, and practical strategies come together.
If you're feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted from the daily realities of foster care and adoption—you're not alone. Here, we have real conversations about the hard stuff: attachment struggles, secondary trauma, parenting beyond behaviors, and the deep emotional weight of loving kids from hard places. But we also talk about you—your health, your nervous system, your faith, and the small, sustainable ways you can care for yourself so you can keep showing up for your kids.
Expect practical tips, faith-based encouragement, expert insights, and zero sugarcoating—just real, honest talk about what it takes to foster well, adopt well, and most importantly, stay well in the process.
Because parenting kids with trauma is a marathon, not a sprint—and you were never meant to run it alone.
🎧 Subscribe now and let’s do this together!
Foster Parent Well
Finding Justice in a Broken Foster Care System
We confront the reality of injustice in foster care and explore how to effectively advocate for change without burning out or losing sight of our purpose. From recognizing that not every battle is ours to fight, to making strategic relationships within the system, these seven practical tips help foster parents navigate the broken parts of the system with wisdom and grace.
• Not every injustice is your battle to fight—ask God for discernment about which assignments are yours
• Get educated before advocating—understand the reasoning behind policies before fighting to change them
• Identify gaps in the system rather than just complaining about what's broken
• Advocate with respect instead of rage—your voice carries more weight when delivered with grace
• Build relationships with people working in the system to increase your influence
• Cover everything in prayer and trust that God sees every injustice
This is the last episode of the season. We'll be taking a break for the summer and returning the first week of August with all new episodes and amazing guests. Screenshot this episode, share it to your Instagram stories, and tag me @NicoleTBarlow to let me know how you're choosing to advocate with grace in this season.
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Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we have real candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption and trauma. I'm your host, nicole T Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance and joy. I want you to with a bit of an update and an apology.
Speaker 1:If you noticed, I didn't drop an episode last week. It's because life hit hard. You may have seen it on my Instagram, but my daughter had a seizure at church. We ended up spending most of the week last week in and out of doctor's offices really trying to get some answers. We still have a neurologist appointment coming up this week, but right now, the working theory is that it was at least partially due to a vagal response. Basically, her nervous system overreacted to pain or stress. Her back had been hurting and while we're still digging into why her back was hurting, this was her body's response to that stress. And listen, this is something I want to pause on before we get into today's topic.
Speaker 1:Our kids from trauma often have exaggerated responses, not just emotionally but physically. The nervous system never forgets. When your early story is filled with stress, neglect, abuse or instability of any kind, your body learns to live in a state of hyper alert, and that doesn't just go away because we put them in a loving home. It shows up in behavior, yes, and we talk a lot about that, but it also shows up in gut health, immune systems, headaches, fatigues and, in our case this week, passing out and a seizure. And it reminded me, trauma affects the whole body and this is not just their truth, friends, it's ours too. We carry stress in our bodies and often we ignore it until we can't anymore, which is part of why I'm hosting a faith and fitness challenge this June. This isn't trauma specific, if you know, if you listen to this podcast. I work as a health and wellness coach for foster and adoptive parents and I run challenges that primarily focus on trauma-informed health. This faith fitness challenge isn't trauma-informed. We're not working through a trauma lens. It is specific to our faith. It's about aligning our physical health goals with our faith and our calling. So that part does relate to foster care and adoption, but this challenge itself is open to people from all walks of life, not just foster and adoptive parents. But I still think it could be a great resource for a lot of you that are looking to work on supporting stress in your own body, because you matter too. Your strength, stamina, spiritual health it's all part of how you show up for your kids, and I'd love to have you join us. I'll put a link in the show notes to the wait list, but it's going to be a great time of really digging into how our health can align with our faith and our calling.
Speaker 1:All right, deep breath, let's dive in. We're talking about injustice today because here's the truth. If you've been in this space long enough even if you haven't been in this space very long you will see injustice. I have. I've seen children sent back to homes that were clearly unsafe. I've watched red flags be ignored because the parents' rights in a lot of cases meant more than a child's safety. I've had to sit with the sick reality that someone who should be protecting a child was actually harming them. I see pictures in my mind all the time of scenes where kids that I know were mistreated and harmed, and I've seen foster parents who weren't in this for the right reasons, who actually made things worse for kids in their care.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of times we get into this and we think that all foster parents are getting into this for the right reasons, but that's not true. There are foster parents that mistreat kids. Listen, that sometimes is the most dangerous, I think, because when the system takes you out of a place because it's unsafe and they put you into a place that is unsafe but they're calling it safe, it solidifies in your mind as a child that there is no safe place. So that can be really, really detrimental to kids and their mindset. And then you have the system itself. I mean it's overwhelmed, it's underfunded, it's bound by policies that sometimes feel a lot more like barriers than protections, and don't even get me started on the mental health part of the system. So much of that needs to be changed.
Speaker 1:So if you felt helpless, heartbroken or really really angry, you're not wrong. I mean, many times this is the hardest part of what we do. It's seeing all of the brokenness. But we need to talk about how we should respond when we see injustice, because our reaction doesn't just shape us, it shapes what kind of light we bring into the darkness. So I want to start by talking about a couple of things not to do when we see injustice. I did talk about these on my Instagram, but I want to touch on these briefly.
Speaker 1:So the first thing is don't lose sight of your purpose. Keep your mind focused on what you were originally called to do. Don't assume everyone in the system is evil, even when sometimes it may look like that from the outside. Don't stomp and scream with no strategy. It's just not helpful. Don't walk away from the outside. Don't stomp and scream with no strategy. It's just not helpful. Don't walk away from the mission entirely. I think that is one that comes up often is when the system gets too hard, when people it's too hard to look at injustice every day, they just get out of it entirely. And the last one is definitely don't stay silent. We are called to do justice, to love mercy, right, but we want to do it correctly.
Speaker 1:So I want to give you guys a little picture of why. Because here's the thing If I go to be a missionary in a foreign country let's say I go to one where women do not have equal rights I go there to share the gospel with people that need it, but when I look around and I see that women aren't treated fairly, I march up to the government and I start pitching a fit about how women aren't treated fairly. What's going to happen? Am I going to get a chance to spread the gospel? Well, probably not, because I'm going to be imprisoned or sent home or worse right. The same is true in foster care. So you can stomp your foot at the system, but you might get shut out altogether. Stomp your foot at the system, but you might get shut out altogether.
Speaker 1:Now I do think that God calls us to bring injustice to light in order for us to fight it. I do think that that's true, but we need to make sure we're fighting the injustice that God wants us in. He might just want us to show a kid that they matter in spite of injustice. He might want us to fight for something, but the way that we do that matters. So let's get into the good stuff. This is how we advocate in the right way. So we're going to walk through how to actually respond when you see injustice, because how we advocate matters. So let's do it the Jesus way not soft and not silent, but wise and grounded and powerful.
Speaker 1:So I have seven tips for you. The first one is to recognize that not every battle is yours, ask God first. Some things that will break your heart are not meant to be your assignment. So before you charge in y'all and I'm a charger, if you heard the last two episodes ago, I talked about this a little bit I'm one that when I first got into this I charged the system head on, but I learned very quickly that before I charge the system, I need to pause and I need to pray, asking God like Lord. Is this mine to carry or is it mine to just lift up to you in prayer? Even Jesus didn't chase down every injustice. He followed the Father's lead.
Speaker 1:John 5.19 says the son can do nothing by himself, only what he sees his father doing. So where does the Lord want you in this season and what influence has he given you? Because I think that's important to pay attention to. There are lots of battles to fight in this foster care world, but we can't fight and win them all. So let's use wisdom and discernment on which battles have been given to us. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to keep our heads down and focus on the mission at hand.
Speaker 1:Okay, second tip is to get educated before you get loud. Advocacy without understanding just becomes a lot of noise. Learn the laws. Noise, learn the laws. Ask the right questions. Read the policy, don't just rage. And you guys, I understand the rage, but research it.
Speaker 1:I remember the first time I read there's a policy, or there used to be a policy in our state. The way that it read is that the state shall file termination of parental rights when the child has been in care 15 out of the most recent 22 months. So when a child has been in care for 15 months out of the last two years or whatever, the state should file for termination of parental rights. And then the policy goes on to say unless it doesn't, so the state should file for termination unless they don't. And I thought how stupid is that? That's the stupidest thing I've ever read. But when I really understood the intent behind it and the intent behind it is that if a parent is doing all the things that they're supposed to do and that child is going to be better off with that biological parent, you want to give the judge a little leeway to be able to make that decision. Now, do some judges take that too far sometimes? Yes, I'm sure, but the intent behind that law makes it not quite as dumb, as I originally thought when I first read it. But do your research. Proverbs 18.13 says to answer before listening. That is folly and shame.
Speaker 1:Every law and policy has a reason behind it. Maybe you don't like the policy in your state that requires you to take a baby to daycare. Maybe that's not a policy in your state that requires you to take a baby to daycare. Maybe that's not a policy in your state, but maybe it is. But that policy I know in our area originated because a child in the system went missing because there was not enough accountability. So it was meant to give more eyes on kids in care to make sure that they were safe, right. So you don't want to just come against stuff, because a lot of times there is a reason that that policy was put in place to begin with. Or maybe you don't like that. Parents seem to have more rights than kids. But that law, those laws, actually protect you as a parent and they allow you to make what you feel like are the best parenting decisions for your family. So if you mess with that law, you risk the rights of good parents too if you don't do it correctly. That doesn't mean that policies and laws don't need to change A lot of them do. It just means we need to be wise about how we advocate and change them. We need to understand the meaning, why those things were put in place to begin with.
Speaker 1:Number three is to take note of the gaps. When something's broken, don't just shout about it. So try to figure out where's the weakness. What's actually missing? Is it support? Is it oversight? Is it training Solutions? Start with seeing things clearly. Sometimes your role isn't going to be to fix it, it's just to point out the cracks with clarity and courage. We may be given a space to make people aware of the gaps in the system without having to be that force that actually changes it. So use discernment in that and really try to figure out where are those holes? Why are things falling through cracks?
Speaker 1:Okay, number four is to advocate with respect and not rage, which y'all I understand is easier said than done, because when you see kids being mistreated, when you see injustice, especially as it relates to kids, specifically kids that you know and love, it does kind of stir up this righteous anger inside of you. But you can honor people while challenging the systems. Your voice can have weight, especially when it's delivered with grace. Proverbs 51 says A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. When Jesus stood before injustice, he spoke truth, but he didn't have to yell to be heard. He knew he carried authority. And you guys, so do you. When you speak truth out loud, it has power, so make sure that you're using it effectively. Okay, number five, and this one may seem odd to some people and maybe hard sometimes, but make friends in the system. And yes, I said friends, influence often comes through relationship. Said friends, influence often comes through relationship.
Speaker 1:So find the good ones the case workers who care, the teachers who get it, the judges who actually listen, and even when you think that somebody doesn't care, when you think they're not doing their job, get to know their stories Really. Get to know people. It helps you understand why they do the things that they do. In one of our cases we had a state attorney that I really felt like just was not doing their job and I sat down with them and got to know their story a little bit and it made a lot more sense. They had fought really, really hard, spent hours and hours and hours fighting for a couple of cases where kids were still sent back to unsafe environments. And you guys, if that was my job and I had spent countless hours looking at photographs of bruises and harm done to kids and they were still sent back to dangerous situations, it would make it really, really hard for me to dig that deep into future stories. So it didn't make what was happening in the case okay, but it did make it more understandable. I understood that person's story and I will tell you, as I got to know them and as they got to know me, I started to be able to have more influence over encouraging people to fight for justice.
Speaker 1:Learning people's stories, getting to know them, helps build trust. Even if you look at Paul in the New Testament, he leaned on Roman officials to protect him and advance the gospel. It really makes room, you guys, when we build relationship. It makes room for an impact, for you to have a bigger impact. So really lean into building those relationships, getting to know the people around you in the system. Okay.
Speaker 1:Number six cover everything in bold prayer, y'all. This isn't just a platitude, this isn't fluffy. Prayer moves mountains and, honestly, it changes us. It changes our hearts. It aligns our hearts to God's. Don't just pray over the kids, you guys. Pray over decision makers. Pray over policies and policymakers. Pray over the paperwork. Pray over judges. Pray over the parts that you never see. I'm talking big, bold prayers. Pray over the foster care system in general, just, nationwide, internationally Pray. Pray for families, to stand up for families that are not doing it for the right reasons. Pray boldly that a light be shined on them and they be moved out of the system.
Speaker 1:Really use prayer as a resource to fight for kids and fight for justice. James 5.16 says the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. Let us lean into that, all right. And number seven is to lean into God, knowing that he is the judge. God sees every injustice. He hears every silent cry, every injustice. He hears every silent cry and he's the one who will ultimately make it all right. Exodus 14, 14 says the Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. Let your advocacy start from a place of trust and not panic. This is really where we start to trust God.
Speaker 1:I mean, we had a placement that went home. They went home to a place that we felt was unsafe at the time. I had to really wrestle with God on that. I had to get to a place where, no matter the outcome like it did not matter what the outcome was or what happened me and God were still good, because he is good y'all. And that did not come easily. That took a lot of wrestling, took a lot of digging in and it took a lot of Him showing up and changing my heart. And while every situation isn't good, I know that. I know that I know that he will use it for our good and for His glory.
Speaker 1:One day, you guys, he is going to make it right and that wrestling that we do with the injustice it can be the thing that pulls us closer to God, that really hymns us in to God, that really hymns us in in our faith, in our relationship with Him, in a way that nothing else really can. So sit in that place, wrestle with Him. He is not scared to listen to your questions. You guys, Sit with Him in that, wrestle through the injustices that you see, all right, the injustices that you see, all right. I know that this work is heavy and I know the injustice you've seen might make you feel like giving up, but please hear me, you are not alone in this. God is still just, god is still moving, and your voice, when it's aligned with him, can change things. As we wrap up Foster Care Awareness Month, really sit with how God is calling you to move with the injustices of the system.
Speaker 1:If today hit you deep, I want to invite you again into the Faith and Fitness Challenge this June. Let's take care of our bodies, not just out of guilt or grind, but because we are called to stand strong in a broken world, and that is hard. It's not just hard on our hearts, it's hard on our bodies too. So you can find the link for the wait list for that in the show notes. And hey, if this episode encouraged you, would you do me a favor? Screenshot it. Share it to your stories on Instagram and tag me at Nicole T Barlow and let me know, tell me how you are choosing to advocate with Grace in this season. Also, this is the last episode of the season. You guys, we'll be taking a break for the summer and replaying some of my favorite episodes that you may have missed or maybe you need to listen to again. So message me your favorite episode and make sure that it makes the list. We will be back the first week of August with all new episodes and some amazing guests.
Speaker 1:Let me pray for us as we wrap up today. God, we come to you today with heavy hearts, not hopeless but honest. You see every crack in the system. You hear every cry we were never meant to hear. You witness every injustice, even the ones hidden behind closed doors and clean paperwork, god, and still you invite us to the fight, to not grow weary, to speak with boldness, to lead with grace, to trust that justice does not begin or end with us, but it does move through us.
Speaker 1:So, god, teach us to advocate your way. Give us discernment to know which battles are ours and which are not. Give us courage to speak up when we'd rather stay silent. Give us humility to listen, to learn to lead without pride, god, and give us endurance, not the kind that runs on fumes, but the kind that runs on you. Cover our children, god. Cover their bodies, their stories, their healing journeys. Cover our families. Cover every space that we're sent into Courtrooms, classrooms, caseworker offices, kitchens, lord. Cover every single space. Make us vessels of peace, god, not passivity. Make us agents of change and not chaos, lord. Make us people of prayer before we are people of pressure. We trust you, lord, even when we don't understand, we follow you even when the road feels unfair, and we thank you even when the road feels unfair. And we thank you, god, we love you, we trust you In Jesus' name, amen, thank you.