Foster Parent Well
Foster Parent Well is the go-to podcast for foster and adoptive parents who are navigating the complexities of parenting children with trauma while trying to stay sane in the process. Hosted by Nicole T Barlow, a foster and adoptive mom of six, parent trainer, and wellness coach, this podcast is where faith, resilience, and practical strategies come together.
If you're feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted from the daily realities of foster care and adoption—you're not alone. Here, we have real conversations about the hard stuff: attachment struggles, secondary trauma, parenting beyond behaviors, and the deep emotional weight of loving kids from hard places. But we also talk about you—your health, your nervous system, your faith, and the small, sustainable ways you can care for yourself so you can keep showing up for your kids.
Expect practical tips, faith-based encouragement, expert insights, and zero sugarcoating—just real, honest talk about what it takes to foster well, adopt well, and most importantly, stay well in the process.
Because parenting kids with trauma is a marathon, not a sprint—and you were never meant to run it alone.
🎧 Subscribe now and let’s do this together!
Foster Parent Well
Faith, Trauma, and the Tools That Help Families Heal with Kristin Orphan
What if trauma-informed parenting isn’t a departure from biblical wisdom but a practical expression of it? That question drives a heartfelt conversation with guest Kristin Orphan, cofounder of Finally Home, a national nonprofit equipping foster, adoptive, and kinship families with education, encouragement, and community. We dig into what trauma actually does in the brain, why “traditional” parenting often assumes preexisting trust, and how compassion and clear values can peacefully coexist. The destination—raising kids who thrive in character and faith—stays the same; the route changes because our children’s starting points are different.
We share concrete ways to build trust first—connection before correction—so guidance can land. You’ll hear how to set values-based rules, avoid provoking fight/flight responses, and use developmentally appropriate expectations without compromising standards like honesty and respect. Kristen offers lived-in wisdom on launching young adults, empowering kids to self-advocate, and embracing the long game where outcomes can’t be forced and free will is real. We also talk candidly about the mirror parenting holds up: the shame, the triggers, and the grace that meets us when we admit limits and repair quickly.
Self-care takes center stage as stewardship rather than indulgence. From sleep and movement to prayer and Scripture, we outline habits that regulate our nervous systems and model healthy adulthood. Tools like play therapy and parent coaching are framed as provision, not salvation, aligning evidence-based strategies with a faith that remains front and center. If you’ve felt torn between brain-wise approaches and your convictions, this conversation will help you see how they braid together—firm values, soft hearts, steady leadership.
If this resonated, share it with a friend, leave a review so other foster and adoptive parents can find it, and subscribe for more faith-filled, trauma-informed conversations that strengthen your home.
Links for Kristin:
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@teamfinallyhome
Instagram: https://instagram.com/teamfinallyhome
Facebook: https://facebook.com/finallyhome.net
Family Journey Show https://finallyhome.net/category/family-journey-show/
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well Podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption, and trauma. I'm your host, Nicole T. Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach, and an adoptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance, and joy. I want you to foster parent well. So let's jump in. I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of small habits, the little daily disciplines that shape who we become. The Lord has really been pressing on that, on my heart. Um, so whether it's opening our Bibles first thing in the morning or committing to move our bodies, even when it feels hard. Y'all, yesterday I did not want to do my workout. Um, but these simple practices build strength and resilience over time. They're not flashy, but they're faithful. And faithfulness, day in and day out, is what really transforms us. That's why I'm so excited about today's conversation. I'm joined by Kristen Orphan, who alongside her husband has walked more than 30 years of marriage and parenting, including welcoming two of their four children through foster care. Out of their personal journey and the lessons God taught them along the way, they founded Finally Home in 2008. Finally Home is now a national nonprofit organization that provides education, encouragement, and support for foster, adoptive, and kinship families. Kristen brings such a unique perspective on how trauma-informed parenting and our faith actually go hand in hand, not in separate boxes, but really woven together. Today we're digging into how God equips us through both his word and practical wisdom so that we can parent well in the midst of hard things. Let's jump in, you guys. I know you're gonna love this conversation. Well, hi, Kristen. Welcome to the show. Why don't you tell listeners a little bit about yourself and what you do?
SPEAKER_02:Well, thank you, Nicole. I'm so excited to be here. Um, well, I at the um heart of the matter, I am a mom and a wife. Um, I have been married to my husband for going on 33 years, and we have four adult children, um, two of whom joined our family through um private foster care and kinship care. And um we also are the legal guardians to my husband's younger brother who's developmentally disabled. He is in his 40s now. So that's a little bit about us personally. Um, in terms of what I do, as a result of our personal journey. Um, I felt a distinct call on my heart way back in about 2007 that God was calling us to encourage other foster adoptive and kinship families. And that just set us on a course of identifying what it is honestly, first and foremost, what were we struggling in? And that had a lot to do with feeling discouraged, ill-equipped. Um, and so that's that's been the heart of all that we've done, whether it was me pursuing higher education, um, establishing trainings and connection points and for families. Um, that is what that's what we do to this day is truly try to encourage people and to remind them that God did call them, call us to this, and that he provides what we need.
SPEAKER_00:That's amazing. Um, I will congratulate you on launching adults into the world. We are in a season where we have a couple that are entering adulthood or starting that stage. They're our oldest is 22. We have a 19-year-old and an 18-year-old that are all starting to get into the world. And that is no easy feat.
SPEAKER_02:Well, you know what? It's funny. I often say that is perhaps the time of life that you feel the most like, wait a minute, what nobody talks about this. You know, we were learning a lot about how to raise up our kids and and all of those things. But that boy, that time of adulthood, all of a sudden you're like, wait a minute, we need to talk more about this. Because launching, you know, that actually Nicole comes in a lot of different forms and and some uh bounce backs and and all of those good things. But yeah, we do. We have a 28-year-old, a 27-year-old, uh, 26 and 22. And as I said, my brother-in-law, who's in his 40s, uh, so it does, it looks so different. And it is the thing that we go, oh, okay. There aren't quite as many books on this.
SPEAKER_00:I know. Nobody tells us about, nobody tells us. I think, you know, when we're pregnant, we're reading all the books about pregnancy. And in in the baby years and in the toddler years, we're reading all the things, and there's all these motherhood books for the early years, but it's like nobody really talks about the later teenager and entering adulthood, especially for kids that have a trauma history. Um, we have seen, especially in one of ours, that had no issues. I mean, we've had no issues all along the way, and we get to this spot and we're like, oh, this isn't as seamless as we thought, you know, as we thought it would be. So, um, so yeah, I mean, it is it is a challenge for sure. We we definitely have um struggled a little bit in this season. So, I mean, I I congratulate you for navigating all of those, those things, whatever it looks like, you know, because I do think that part of learning about that stage of life is kind of changing our expectations about what all of that looks like.
SPEAKER_02:That's right. With the number one expectation that, you know, when they turn 18, job done. Um, that is not true. The job is not done, and you continue. And you're right. I like your wording, navigating it, because that's that's what we do. We navigate it, we pay attention, we say, Oh, oh, okay, well, this now is what they need. And then we learn how how to provide that and and walk the balance of empowering them without enabling. I mean, it is, it's it's a dance, and it like every other season in life and parenting, it is really being led and bringing everything to the Lord because we don't know what we don't know. Um and it is always about identifying what is the need, how do I meet that need in the most healthy way, and how do I access, uh, help them to discover other resources and places. Because that's what we're doing with our young adults, right? Is we're trying to teach them how to get help because we we have oftentimes been their primary source and um maybe even a funnel of accessing other supports, whether that's suit therapies or whatever. But when they become these young adults into adulthood, it isn't that they no longer have some of their special needs. It is that we have a job to teach them how to advocate for themselves and to access. And so to young parents listening, I would say that start that um start that process early, teaching kids how to speak up for themselves and get help because ultimately that is one of the key um learnings is that there are some of these things that our kids who become adults will need for the rest of their lives, extra supports, whatever it is. And teaching them to do that for themselves. It's not a matter of shame. It's not a finish line that says, oh, all my uh, you know, unique needs or whatever it is are over. That is not reality. Rather, how do we empower them to discover and to access those things for themselves? I mean, that may be the biggest um learning that we, you know, for families like ours. Um certainly every human needs to learn how to advocate for themselves. But of course, as we know, our kids possibly even more.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that is a great tip for parents, um, all the way up, right? To start that early, as you said, just kind of helping our kids understand their needs and to be able to speak up to advocate for themselves. Well, today we're talking about trauma-informed parenting and more specifically how it aligns with our faith. Because I thought I think it's so important for parents to be able to navigate trauma-informed parenting and faith-filled parenting together and really um talking about what that looks like. So tell us what what is trauma-informed parenting? How is it different from more traditional parenting methods?
SPEAKER_02:Sure. I I think that I like I like to use simple terms because that's what I can wrap my mind around. And of course, I'll just say that my response will be, you know, contributing to all of the other great wisdom that's out there. For me, it really was and is about taking into account um the experiences, whether remembered or not, acknowledging the fact that traumatic experiences of neglect, abuse, loss, bro, you know, so expanding the concept of trauma without, you know, watering it down, but acknowledging that it's it's something that has harmed us or harmed someone in a significant way that requires specialized processing, acknowledgement, honoring. So again, that can be the grief of and the loss, the actual substance impact, you know, whether it's in utero, uh drug use, alcohol use, those sorts of things, uh physical abuse, emotional abuse, those things that we cannot without intervention of some kind, our brains get stuck. Okay, so the it's the stuckness for us or those we love that then has to be taken into account. And so parenting in a trauma-informed way is first acknowledging what trauma is and also then saying, my parenting needs to come from a place of compassion and honoring that there were experiences that need to be addressed, often come in the form of then deficits that need to be filled up and that I need to take into account as I am honoring my, you know, my values. And so we're gonna talk about that when we talk about faith-informed trauma parenting. It's I I'm gonna acknowledge something and say, uh align, you know, in a way that aligns with my faith and my values and my the outcomes I believe are right and good for this child. I'm going to speak to them in a way that um acknowledges where they're starting from. And and uh, and so it doesn't, you know, trauma-informed parenting doesn't change where we are heading and what our out our desired outcomes are for that child or for our family, it does uh inform the tools we need along the way. You know, I often say it's a map. And when we take into account, let's say we're going on a road trip, we have to take into account where we're starting and where we want to end up. And then along the way, what what do we need? If we have a child that's uh in a wheelchair, we're gonna need special tools and we're gonna need special equipment. So really that's what I mean when I say trauma informed. I'm I'm acknowledging where do I start and how and what extra tools do I need to get to where I want to go.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's that's so good. Such a good perspective to really think about our journey is just going to look different because the needs are are different along the way based off of their past experiences and really taking all of that into account, which sounds amazingly aligned with our faith, right? Having this compassion for kids and their experiences and kind of meeting them in that place sounds very Jesus-like. And so, why would people say that trauma-informed parenting? Because I've heard it that trauma-informed parenting doesn't align with biblical parenting. So, how would you respond to that?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's great. There are a couple things that come to mind as we're having this conversation, and one is that sometimes I think some of us thought that everything needed to change. Now all my sources are different. Like all of a sudden, oh, so maybe you know, some of us start, and and I do think this has changed over the last couple of decades, but maybe at first it was I'm welcoming children into my home. They're coming along and they're gonna join in how because the gift that we're giving them is who we are as people of faith. We're gonna raise them as we were raised or as we believe that a biblical family looks like. So there, and then maybe there's some resistance at first to that. That no, they've they've got to line up with me in all the ways of traditional parenting. Like they're they're coming into this, and this is what I'm giving them. And in our mindset, we're thinking that that nope, they're coming in and they're fitting into us. Then maybe after a lot of bumping our heads and realizing that is not working, we go to the complete opposite extreme. Yeah. We think now we've got to change all of our goals, all of our, you know, our destination, as I just said, like everything now has to change. It's it's it's an either, oh, now I'm trauma-informed parenting. That's that's the opposite of traditional parenting. And and that may be true, but it's not the opposite of biblical parenting. Okay. It is really making sure that we are um realizing what we're really seeing. And what you've said, Nicole, is we're with the love of Christ, meeting people where they are, which is what Jesus did. So it is not the opposite. Our habits may be different. Just, you know, think of it in terms of applying a different culture, but our values do not change.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:The principles of what people need and where they're heading, it's just that the tools and the skills we need to take them on that road of learning to follow Jesus, of learning to honor authority and to respect authority comes with, as you've said, compassion, meeting them where they're at and not expecting the traditional disciplines and parenting to work at especially at first. But those are not traditional parenting is not necessarily biblical parenting. And that to she reshape what we're saying, yeah, and really stop and think. And so some people might think that it's opposed because they've misunderstood cultural traditional parenting as synonymous with biblical parenting. That may be the very first thing that we say um it is is probably the rub, and we've got to reshape that.
SPEAKER_00:I I completely agree um with with all of that stuff. And I love how you talk about, you know, when kids come in, a lot of times we're expecting them to kind of fit our norm and just obey. Well, in the same way that unbelievers aren't going to choose to obey the laws of God, they don't believe in God, right? They don't trust God, they don't believe that God is good and for them. So they're not gonna follow his commands. God says, if you love me, you will follow my commands. Um the same way, if our kids don't trust us, if they don't come in, they're not automatically just going to respect that authority because we say we're the authority.
SPEAKER_01:That is so true. I like that.
SPEAKER_00:As much as we want that to be the case.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, and and also we can feel like a failure because we're looking at the Bible and we're saying, you know, it says, Children obey your parents. Oh, our children are not obeying us, so we must be failing. And yet, what we see in Jesus Christ goes to the earth and meets us where we are at while we were still sinners. Christ died for us. Yeah, He comes to us, not the other way around. And so then we have a choice, of course. And that we, you know, that's about once you know our kids become older and we begin to empower them to find the help. All of that is so aligned. But, you know, back to this going to where they are at, you know, the thing, let you know, let's talk a little bit about what the Bible does say. Um, you know, we we do believe in authoritative parenting, which is that parents are in charge. And, you know, at Finally Home, we teach that parents have two jobs to be leaders and models.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And leaders are in charge. They and what we say always is that that does not mean your kids always do what you say. That means that you set the course for what the rules are, what the and those rules are based in values, not arbitrary do's or don'ts. And so there are values that we set, like honesty. Um, we, you know, and and the Bible does, um, as believers, the Bible does inform our values. Yeah. So going, you know, so gathering together as adults and saying what is important to us and identifying those values, and then making rules that support those values, and then teaching our kids how to follow those values by giving them, you know, consequences and and um rewards, but also realizing that that value of honesty looks different for a four-year-old, uh, an eight-year-old, a 10-year-old, et cetera. And that we are taking into account not just chronological age with our kids who've been through trauma, but we're actually looking at their development. And so we're really we're walking along. So our values aren't changing, like, oh, well, I guess lying is okay. No, we say truth is important, and then we just walk alongside. So we're holding things up. We're just having to be very creative, very, you know, walking alongside, getting lots of advisors on how do we continue to hold up standards within compassion and chance after chance um to help, you know, helping helping our kids along the way heal. I mean, ultimately that is what's happening too, right? Yes, that they're healing and we're pouring into deficits. Um, so traditional parenting often um, as we know, um is asking kids, you know, to meet a standard, and then we're, you know, providing discipline and punishment when they don't. And yet what we do realize with um when we say parents as leaders and models is that we traditional parents parenting assumes a relationship of trust.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And so that's probably the biggest learning for families like ours is that you know, we've got to make sure that we build the relationship. It doesn't happen just because a child enters our home. And that that's the thing that's catching up, that then ultimately we hope gives us that trust that allows the authority to really become a healthy thing.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, yes, to all of that. There, there's something else when you were talking about that Ephesians 6, right, that says children should obey their parents and the Lord, for this is right, right? But it also says fathers should not provoke your children to anger. And I think a lot of times we skip over that part because it's easy to look at the responsibilities of somebody else, but not at ours. And but knowing what we know about trauma, right? We know that our kids with previous trauma histories, with a lack of trust, are more easily provoked into that fight, flight, or freeze response, which does come out as anger a lot of times, right? And so our responsibility in that biblical parenting is just what you were saying. We still uphold those values, but the way we do it has to be different based on their history. And so taking that into account, as if we are gonna be uh obedient to what the Lord has called us to, then we have to change the way that we go about things in order to not provoke that child to anger.
SPEAKER_02:That is so true. And and I think that is such a great reminder, provoke, because we've all been there where we start to um push and push and put our foot down and realize that it is having the opposite effect, and yet we have a hard time telling ourselves to stop.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, yes, yes, and me every day.
SPEAKER_02:That is me every day. In our heads, we're going, this is not working, but I'm too far in. Um, that is wisdom, and that is self-control, and that's leadership being and that's one of the things we tell families is part of being a leader is staying in charge of yourself and your own emotions because we get triggered and we get hooked, and we are seeing that this is not wise. I am provoking, and and and it's not helpful.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Uh, that's the other thing is, you know, the Lord shows us it's it's a matter of saying, oh Lord, help me stop because I am so far in and I am like saying, I want this child to obey me now, and we're having the tantrum. Um, so I love that you connected that in because provoking is the perfect word when we realize that um it is to stop. So again, I just say, you know, our values are the same. How we go on that journey, it is different because we're going to our child and we're saying, let me take you there. Um, and it is a lot more complicated than any of us ever imagined when we start the journey.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So what does that look like? How do we walk our kids um in a way that helps them trust us, helps them be connected to us, but also ultimately helps them know and trust Jesus.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that is so what a wonderful.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, that is a big question, right? And and I don't know that I mean, I know all of us would just love to like throw down an answer and say, here's the handbook, here's how your kids will know and trust Jesus.
SPEAKER_02:Well, so the first thing I'm gonna say, because I love that, is like, could we find someone that would give us that answer, Nicole? Um well, first and foremost, the thing I think about is John 15 about remaining in the vine. So parents, there we don't have a handbook because we are made to rely fully on the Holy Spirit, yeah, Jesus Christ in us every single day. We have the wisdom of Christ in us, we have the power of Christ. We are promised, you know, the power of Christ on a daily basis. We are we are promised um his life and his energy. You know, Paul talks about in um Colossians about the energy that works so powerfully in him, you know, as he's struggling, you know, to serve the church and to spread the gospel. So, first and foremost, the release uh the lie that we will have a formula or a map. And and most of us listening would have more um maturity than to think that. But I I will say, so before I I make some comments on that, is that I know I personally beat myself up a lot over the the years that I wasn't better, smarter, wiser, had the answer, or oops, I got really upset and now I'm acting like a toddler. Um, so there's there's a lot of shame that can come. And of course, our enemy would love that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You know, this thing we step into is God-sized. Um, and yet it's not without, you know, hope that we do find skills, many advisors, um, learning, you know, listening to podcasts like this. Um, so I mean, generally speaking, let me talk about some of the things that have been really important to my husband and I and our family along the way. Um, is that I do believe that, you know, we do everything as unto the Lord. So we do pursue wisdom. Um, we do pursue people who are further down the journey than us who've learned, learned some things. We do learn that that this building of a relationship is not counter to biblical parenting. It actually is, you know, loving. Um, it is, you know, we we are meant to love and to serve and to lay our lives down. And so, you know, don't for one moment think that the time you spend connecting and pouring in, even when your child has been incredibly disobedient, um, that is not counter to your job. It is part of your job. And what we find that feels counterintuitive to us is the more we connect and pour in and meet our kids where they're at, the more they begin to soften up and they do begin to cooperate in little bites and pieces. So we do flip that tradition um over, you know, we do flip it over um opposite in the the poor. I remember those days where, and we advise parents that where you do feel like it is just a constant correction, correction, correction, correction that is important. And stopping and pausing um and not considering time together playing as a reward, um, you know, and not and not wanting to reward, you know, bad behavior. That that's hard. I mean, the last thing you want to do is connect with a child who is just opposing, opposing, and yet it is what they need and often what we need in our hearts. So that's one thing is to set yourself free that to think that relationship, playing, of course, you know, none of us would say we want to withhold relationship as a punishment, but you know, we would say that it's hard to sit and play with a child who has been really difficult.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And yet it is like that connection and that love, that unconditional pouring in, playing on their terms. So that's one key, you know. And I'm picturing in my head all the times, all the different years that I did just crazy things, you know, whether it was playing, you know, with finger paints on all on our bodies or you know, pudding or whatever, you're like things that I think, oh my goodness, if people saw what we were doing, um, they would think we were cray cray. And and I was thinking we were, but it's like whatever it takes. Okay. So, so play, um, connection, loving, um, no matter what is going on, um, reading the book, don't use those things as a reward. Um, unless it's extra time, that's okay. You know, extra, extra time that's really special, can be used as the result um of uh, you know, good choices that can be. But the the baseline always, always connecting, yeah, um, getting outside help, um, learning, you know, like just soaking that in, finding trusted people. So both peers in terms of people who are doing this journey with us, and of course, you know, I learned so much just sitting in and observing play therapy. Yeah. I learned so much learning how to talk about certain things, um, and mimicking the that language. Um, and of course, always do continuing to do the things that are important to you. You know, we say that parents have to, you know, everybody in the family has um is, you know, is somebody. We say be somebody and belong. So, you know, I know we talk a lot about self-care. Um, don't put it off. Um, but that can start to get really like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm supposed to put the oxygen on me first. Well, let me just break it down a little bit simpler. Don't forget who you are and what you enjoy doing, and that you too are someone's child, you know, that you belong to the king. And he loves. Loves you and he gave you hobbies and desires. And you know, you have to nurture those things and not just for yourself, but to model, you know, like yes, we lay down our lives, but again, you know, young adults need to realize that they are not the center of the universe, and that, you know, mom and dad have things that they are going to continue to grow and learn and nurture themselves. So, you know, just boil some of those things down. Play and connect with your kids even when they have been really awful. Um, get, you know, lots of outside help. Um, and take care of yourself in ways that recognize that I matter. Yeah. You know, it's incredibly destructive when we get swallowed up um in our families. And it really is destructive for everybody.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, we talk a lot on this podcast uh about self-care. So I work as a health and wellness coach for foster and adoptive parents. And because I've just seen it wreck families, I've seen it wreck lives when even my own life, when we do neglect ourselves. And I think part of the way that we need to look at self-care is it's our equipping, our equipping to do the things that we are supposed to do. It's not being selfish because we're not, I do think culture has hijacked the word self-care. And so a lot of times the way the world speaks of self-care is self-indulgence. Um, but but if we're doing true self-care, if we're eating right, if we're exercising, if we're in the word, we're in prayer, we're really um in our spiritual disciplines and stuff like that, really equipping ourselves. We're equipping ourselves to do our job well, to fulfill our purpose well. And without that, we can't.
SPEAKER_02:That's exactly right. And I that what a great differentiation between self-indulgence and self-care. It's part of the responsibility we have for stewarding ourselves. Yeah. Um, it also, like I said, and sometimes this is what helps people push push them over the edge because we're we get stuck and it's all about our kids, it's all about our kids, is just this idea we're also modeling that. That's a healthy life.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And ultimately we we are raising up people to launch into the world and live healthy lives.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. I've been doing a bunch of um studies on spiritual disciplines. And one of the things that keeps coming up over and over again is that we are body, soul, and spirit, or body, mind, and spirit, and that they are all connected. They're not separate. And so when you neglect one part, you neglect the whole. And so really looking at taking care of our bodies, taking care of our spiritual selves, taking care of our minds, like as one holistic thing that helps us do the things that we're supposed to do.
SPEAKER_02:And we have to feed our brain, you know, with the good things like you were talking about.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:If we are to tell ourselves no when we are starting to provoke our kids. I mean, yeah, I don't know about you, but I mean, I I at different times was so strung out on stress that, you know, I I was just on the edge, you know, all of the time. And um, we have to, we have limits and and we cannot just run on uh empty. And and part of I think the reason not only do we get just swallowed up in, well, we gotta fix our kids, save our kids, whatever, which by the way, there's just no um expiration to that. There's no finish line to that. Yes. And that's that's one of the lies I think that young parents think, well, you know what? I can I can sacrifice all of, and believe me, they're sacrificed, but I can sacrifice my own health in every domain that you mentioned because there's going to be a point where they're gonna be okay, and then I'll go. And that's not the way life works. Then I'll do myself, then I'll go take a break, then I'll go be with my husband. Yeah. Um, none of that is actually true or reality. So we have to be doing it all along the way. Um, and that's a oh wow, if we can learn that sooner rather than later.
SPEAKER_00:Amen. Amen. So, what does success look like then, right? If there's not a finish line, how do we know we're doing what we're supposed to do?
SPEAKER_02:Well, I think it does start with looking in the mirror and saying, How am I doing? Am I loving? Am I growing in Christ every day? Yeah. I am um, I mean, that to me, am I am I able to regulate myself? Am I am I living with the fruits of the spirit because I'm inviting the Holy Spirit? I mean, because really all of our kids ultimately have a choice of how how they're gonna live. I mean, that's that's the other thing too, Nicole, is that as you get older, um, I'm older, um, you realize that I am uh my children will I'm setting them up to make to know what it's like to live a good life. And that means to live life in Christ. Okay. Right. But everybody has a choice to make.
SPEAKER_00:Yep.
SPEAKER_02:And I can't make that choice for them. So I'm setting the table through modeling, through the guidelines and boundaries I set in my home that, you know, and I've said it a thousand times to my kids like here, here's I'm setting forth to you, like, this is the way that's right and good. And you get to decide whether you're gonna live in that. Okay. And of course, while you're in my home, there'll be consequences and and benefits and all of the things that come along with that. But that's that's childish, okay? Right. Things that I'm doing for you. And then over time, you'll decide whether you internalize those things or not, and realize that the real benefit is the life, you know, you're living an abundant life. But you get to decide, and some will have to learn the hard way, etc. So I honestly have to answer that question by how is my life? How are my relationships? How's my marriage? How am I thriving in the Lord? Because if I look at the external, now, of course, when our kids are in our home, it's what is family life looking like? Am I getting getting, you know, there's a lot of chaos, but are we able to honor our values? And, you know, I'm thinking a lot, even in terms of all of the outside help we need sometimes, you know, for my husband to get out when things were just crazy, husband and I to get out on dates and stuff, that usually meant every single kid went somewhere different.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I couldn't do the traditional have a babysitter come here, you know. So it's like, am I gonna, you know, doing the work that I can do to honor my values? Is my marriage growing? Is my relationship with the Lord growing? I mean, honestly, I I think that's the best way I can answer it because I don't get to make all of I don't get to choose what my kids will ultimately choose. Um I will say that we are seeing beautiful fruit in um most of our children's lives right now. Yeah. That we still have uh we still have one that is needing to learn some things the hard way, but I just have to look and say, I am really in love with my husband. I love the Lord. Um, I am getting to see the benefits of my children who I have a child getting married in 10 days. Oh, that's amazing. It is, and and I and so um, and my eldest had um his first baby four months ago. I had my first grandchild. Oh my gosh. Make no mistake, we we have beautiful gifts from the Lord, and um I realized somewhere along the way that yeah, I mean, there's fruit to the choices we make in parenting and our kids still have free will. Sure.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. Well, I appreciate that answer in looking at ourselves. I mean, I know even with my younger kids and parenting them now, my hardest nights. So I have plenty of nights where I don't sleep because thoughts just race in my mind, but my hardest nights are when I mess up, not when my kids mess up, right? Because my responsibility is for me. And so I need to be in control and have self-control and and the fruit of the spirit and me, relying on that spirit to work through me versus trying to um, you know, I love your analogy or your your thought to step back when when we realize we're going too far. Because I think a lot of times as parents, we don't give ourselves permission to step back once we set on a path, right? If we're going, if we're going at it full force, then we feel like we're committed and we have to like see it through. And I think giving ourselves permission to step back so that we are honoring the Lord and we are we are staying true to the values and the things that we think are really important, I think is huge. Um, and you know what? I mean, I was a child in young adulthood that went very far astray. And and I now am super passionate about the Lord. So we don't know how the Lord's gonna use hard seasons in our kids' lives. I heard something one time that said you can't um save your kids from their testimony.
SPEAKER_02:Oh.
SPEAKER_00:And and just really kind of releasing, like our kids may have to make some mistakes in adulthood. Like how they're doing in college life or young adulthood is not necessarily always how they've been parented. It's not always whether they're a good kid or a bad kid or, you know, all of those traditional things. I do think sometimes in the church, though, that there is a lot of pressure for your kids to live up to a certain standard as a reflection of you. And so I think we are a lot of times really likely to base our parenting and what we feel like we need to do in order to try to control a certain outcome so that we look like we're supposed to look in the church.
SPEAKER_02:It's true. It's a lie.
SPEAKER_00:Amen to that. I am to that. I mean, it just I think there's so much freedom in releasing that.
SPEAKER_02:Right. There's, you know, what we, you know, I've heard a lot, I'm sure you have to, you know, Proverbs train up a child in the way they should go. And when they're old, they will not depart from it. You know, what we have to remember about Proverbs is it's not a promise, they're principles of life. Yeah, that most of the time this is what happens. And so I do agree that there, there are, you know, there, there's fruit to good, kind, loving parenting, and there's free will. And it's a dangerous thing to base your identity, your success, um, on uh how your you know, kids turn out, quote unquote, because um it's the same that, you know, when they make good choices, you know, that also isn't like, oh, look at me. You know, that's some of the worst books are when people raise like one or two kids and they now they're telling you exactly how to, you know, raise your kids because it works for them. And I mean, there's just so many contributing factors. So, yes, there's fruit to good, wise, biblical, loving. And and when I say biblical, because I do want to be, you know, clear that we we misunderstood. So just to repeat what you and I have already said, it's compassionate, loving, value-based, guiding, teaching, servant-like parenting. Um, that's that's biblical um parenting, that we we're meeting our kids where they're at, and we're continuing to set a standard. And what that looks like in the formula really requires a lot of advisors. So that that first and foremost, but we just have to be very, very cautious that we are looking at our kids to prove, you know, our worth or our value. And and I also I just want to acknowledge what you said about the you know, your hardest on yourself. We have to also the this journey give ourselves a lot of grace because that the Lord is pouring his grace on us. Yeah, um, this is like, you know, this journey brought out my worst qualities. Okay. Yes. Which is so very, very confusing when you're like, I'm doing this good thing. Yes. And then that good thing like brings out, you know, it's like all the garbage comes up from the bottom because things boiled. Um, that's when you go, oh Lord, that's my testimony. My testimony is I said yes, had no idea this would actually shine a light on the things that the Lord needed to heal in me or fine in me. But when I realized, when I stopped the death grip hold on, I'm doing this good thing, and and that partly contributed to the I'm provoking them because I'm I will control, you know, I will control this and fix this kid. Um, when I was set was was set free from that, and I just went, Lord, I I don't I opened my hands and and acknowledged, you know, my limits, my pain, my um what I needed to learn and and with humility and also said, Lord, um, this is only going to, I can only literally survive this in you. I mean, that's when the beautiful fruit began to happen in my own life. I mean, that's when I just rejoice in the Lord because I think without that, I probably would have gone a lot longer in my life thinking I needed to perform, have a certain, have my kids have a certain image, thinking I needed to control and fix. And that really I had if if I was truly, truly honest, it was that God was over here telling me, you go do these good things and then come back and report to me. And that's not it. He's with us. And when we say, Oh Lord, I, you know, I lost it today, or I I did this, or I don't even know what to do about this. I mean, and just a loud, like, who cares what other people think? I mean, what a freeing, yes, freeing place to be. And that's when I felt like the Lord was like, Yeah, you get it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, but you do see a lot of your darkness, and so it makes you feel more exposed. And and that is not that is not fun. In in Numbers 11, Moses is crying out to God, right? And he's leading these Israelites, and they're complaining and they're hard, and he's struggling to lead them, and he's under a whole lot of stress, and he looks at God and says, you know, why did you give me these people? I can't do this. But but towards the end, he says, I it's this is too hard. I am seeing my own wretchedness. And and I was like, Oh, Lord, that's it. I see my own dirty, and I don't like that. I don't like that part. I like going about my little suburban life, you know. Before we got into this journey, I just went about life and everything seemed fine. Like everything just I fit that church norm, you know, and our family kind of fit that picture and it just was. Everything was good. But when I started, when my own stuff started to come out, but the thing is is God was using all of that, all of that to kind of work work some of that out of me, but also to work within it.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I like it because that stuff was already there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just didn't see it. We just didn't have the pressure that would require that, you know, I acknowledge it. And so I do consider that a gift. Yes. Um, and that's something, yeah, just to for for people to you you use the word exposed. And for families like ours, we're exposed to a lot. I mean, we're exposed to the system where our our homes literally like we are exposed. I don't like being exposed either.
SPEAKER_01:And I'm also I'm gonna remember, like, you know, what you just said. Why did you give me these people? Uh, how many times have I said in my heart, why did you give me these children?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, listen, go back and read that chapter because he literally says, Why did you give me these people? I did not birth them. And um, and he talks through just how hard it is. And the thing is, is he's not really talking about them. Like he's talking about hit his ability to lead them well and how he's seeing his own dirt and his own mess as he tries to lead these people really, really well. Um, but it it is a very interesting chapter. I'm telling you, the Lord used that, that, those verses to really shift my whole perspective about what we were, what we were doing. Um, because I had gotten very prideful, like and and had the idea, like I got this. This is and and okay, Lord, you've given me this assignment and I'm gonna take it and run. Versus like what you were talking about and him being a partner with us, him moving with us and in us and everything that we do.
SPEAKER_02:I love it. I love it. And then that does set us free to get the skills and the tools that we need. Yes. We're just approaching it differently. We're we're approaching it not as their salvation, but as tools to help us to do the job we've been called to do. And that's the thing, too. I I think would I would remind us all that you know there's nothing magic in the tool finding the right tool or skill. It's what we do as unto the Lord. It's like we're walking along and we're like, oh, we're pursuing because that is in that's how we do this as unto the Lord. And so we don't need to be afraid of it as people of faith that to find the tool or the you know, the therapy or whatever. It's the it it's all of those things are what help us along the journey. You know, it's yeah, it's the manna in the desert. It's the, you know, it's the provision. It's not our God, um, but it is his provision. And so we bathe everything in prayer and and that in that way, kind of coming back full circle to this conversation, it's not in opposition. We have our values, they're biblically aligned. We're doing this in Christ, not like you said or I said, like, okay, go do this assignment. And and I chose you because you're super strong and super smart. Um opposite, and that's where the shame comes. Because when we realize that we believed something like that, yeah, then then we go, oh dear. And now you, you know, why did you choose me? Because I thought you chose me because I was great and smart and whatever, you know, we would never admit that. But that's where all the shame and the love. Um, but we we align those things and then we're not afraid. We're not afraid when we see, you know, research is aligning that this is what kids need. Oh, this is what Jesus taught. So we're not now there are things that go beyond and then um, you know, that that we know in our hearts or when we seek advice, like that doesn't align with our faith. That that's not true. There are plenty of things out there that aren't true. But we when we are walking um with wisdom and advisors and people who, you know, faith aligned and we're paying attention to the Bible, we we can discern those things. But at the core, um, what we're doing is trying to love the way that Jesus loves and to bring our kids to a place of living a God-honoring life.
SPEAKER_00:That's amazing. Well, Kristen, this conversation has been amazing. Um, where can people find you?
SPEAKER_02:Yes, well, I agree, and what a pleasure to connect with you. Um I uh you can find us at finallyhome.net. Um, we do exist to encourage and equip uh families like ours. And so we have a lot of resources available to you, online courses, some free uh resources to download and at the, you know, and at the core, just call us. We we like we love to talk with families from all over and just to to show up and to be a part of your team. Um, we have a whole group of folks who would be just it would be their greatest privilege to do that. So reach out and connect with us and let us know how we can serve you.
SPEAKER_00:That's awesome. I will put all of those links in the show notes as well so that people can find you. But I so appreciate this time with you. This conversation was so encouraging to me, and I know it will be for our listeners as well.
SPEAKER_02:Well, me as well. Thank you, Nicole, for the invitation to and just to get to know you and to hear uh from your wisdom. I appreciate it. This has been fun.
SPEAKER_00:Wow, what a gift uh that conversation with Kristen was. I love how she reminded us that trauma-informed parenting and faith aren't separate categories, but they're woven together in how we live, love, and lead our families every single day. Before we close, I'd love to ask you a favor. If this episode encouraged you, would you take just a minute to leave a review for the Foster Parent Well podcast? Your reviews help other foster and adoptive parents find this community and be encouraged too. Let's pray together as we finish. Lord, thank you for the reminder that you are with us in the hard and the holy. Thank you for equipping us with wisdom and strength and compassion as we parent children who have walked through trauma. Lord, and thank you for wise women like Kristen that have gone before us that can help lead the way. Help us to lean on you daily, practicing those small disciplines that anchor our hearts in your truth. And may our homes be places where healing and hope take root. Lord, we love you and we trust you in Jesus' name. Amen.