Foster Parent Well

Rhythms For Foster and Adoptive Parents

• Nicole T Barlow • Season 3 • Episode 64

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The hardest part of foster and adoptive parenting isn’t always the paperwork or the appointments- it’s trying to care for everyone while running on fumes. We open up about a season of nonstop schedules, takeout dinners, and too much caffeine, and then step back to ask a bigger question: what if wellness isn’t found in doing more, but in returning to God’s rhythms of life? From Scripture’s picture of day and night, sowing and harvest, and Sabbath rest, we build a framework that helps weary caregivers move from survival to steady.

We break down five “kingdom rhythms” that change both mindset and body: fasting and feasting, work and rest, pouring out and being poured into, serving and being served, loving and being loved. You’ll hear how gentle intermittent fasting (like a 12-12 window) supports hormones and digestion only when paired with real nourishment, why stress-heavy seasons call for wisdom before adding spiritual or dietary fasts, and how protein, fiber, and regular meals can calm a dysregulated nervous system. We talk practical movement- why walking regulates emotions, how strength training builds resilience that transfers into parenting—and why recovery is not optional if you want strength that lasts.

Community threads through everything. We share how solitude with God, a discipleship group that speaks truth, and a church family that shows up with meals and prayer keep hearts soft and steady. You’ll find honest encouragement to receive help without guilt, model dependence in front of your kids, and keep showing up for worship even when it’s messy. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s choosing one rhythm to start—cook a nourishing dinner, take a ten-minute walk, schedule a Sabbath hour, or text a friend for prayer—and letting God set the pace as capacity returns.

If this conversation strengthens you, subscribe, share it with another foster or adoptive parent who needs a hopeful reset, and leave a review so more families can find this space. What rhythm will you start this week?

Connect with me on Instagram:
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well Podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption, and trauma. I'm your host, Nicole T. Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach, and an adaptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance, and joy. I want you to foster parent well. So let's jump in. And that alone is a challenge, right? But they're also in drama and playing basketball, which means we've basically moved our life to the other side of town. And because we're not busy enough, we're also preparing to put our house on the market so that we can move closer to the area where they're in school, which y'all, if you've ever sold a house with kids, like you know, that's a full-time job by itself. So yeah, between all of that, we've been eating out a lot. Um, and I haven't been work walking or working out like I normally do. And honestly, like I'm running almost entirely on Starbucks at this point. And spoiler alert, y'all, it's not working. Um, I really can tell a difference. I I can see that I'm more irritable. Um, I've put on some weight, um, I'm getting sick more often, and it's all really catching up to me. So today's episode is one that my own body and spirit are craving. It's all about creating healthy rhythms, even in seasons of chaos. Because as foster and adoptive parents, our lives are full of extremes, y'all. We're constantly pouring out giving, serving, fixing, showing up. Um, but wellness really doesn't happen in the hustle, it happens in rhythm. So it's that steady back and forth between giving and receiving, between work and rest, between fasting and feasting. And you guys, I know in this season those rhythms are off. Um, so in Ecclesiastes, um, Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. I love that verse because it reminds me that God built rhythm into creation itself. Think about day and night, seed time and harvest, work and sabbath. Even our heartbeat, y'all, is a rhythm. It's a steady pulse of contraction and rest. So when we live out of that rhythm, outside of it, when we're always on and always giving, or in my case, always in the car, um, our souls and our bodies start to show it. So today I want to walk through a few of these rhythms together. Fast and feast, work and rest, pour out and be poured into, serve and be served, love and be loved. Y'all, these are kingdom rhythms, not self-help strategies, but really divine designs that help us to live well and to love well. The first one that we're gonna talk about, rhythm number one, is fasting and feasting and that balance. So we can't live in a state of constant restriction, but we also can't live in a state of constant indulgence. And that's for us spiritually and physically. Um, it's funny, isn't it, that when we are the most depleted. So, like in our situation right now where I am drained, like completely drained at the end of every day, um, we often swing towards indulgence at the same time. And and I do that for my own comfort. I've really seen that in myself lately when I'm exhausted and when I'm running on fumes, I grab another coffee or I catch myself scrolling too long on my phone. Or at the end of the night, um, you know, I might not have had anything but a latte and some goldfish all day long. And then at the end of the night, instead of really nourishing my body, I am reaching for things like um cookies or a piece of chocolate or something like that that is indulgent. And y'all, sometimes it's not one piece of chocolate. It's like a lot of pieces of chocolate. Or in the in the case of Halloween, you know, we had candy around for a few days, and that was not good for me because I was indulging in that constantly. And um, it's not it's not helpful. It's not balance, it's survival on one end, but it's not even really helping me survive well. A few years ago, um, I reached a really unhealthy place physically, and it began to affect everything my mental health, my spiritual health, even my parenting. Um, if you've listened listened to previous episodes, I've talked about this before, about how unhealthy I was. And it's because I had gotten in this habit, gotten in this pattern of kind of going the indulgent feasting route on a regular basis. Um, and y'all, I don't want to go back there. I don't. Um, I can feel myself really drifting from my healthy habits into those, you know, kind of sabotage type habits. And I don't want to be there. When we're not caring for our physical health, it's so much harder to be attentive to our kids' needs, especially our kids who have experienced trauma, because they really rely on our regulation to find their regulation. And we can't be regulated if our bodies aren't getting the things that it needs. Just like our kids can go into fight, flight, or freeze because they're not getting the nourishment or the things that their bodies need, ours can too. So our wellness really impacts their healing. So, I mean, here's kind of the challenge for us in that is I know, you know, we can swing really far one way or the other. We can often feel like guilty for joy and celebration and that feasting, but we do need those moments. It's good. The Bible talks about the importance of the feasts, right? Um, we just have to make sure they're intentional and life-giving, not just mindless coping or comfort in the moment. Um, so maybe that looks like a big family dinner, you know, where everybody's laughing and slowing down and spending time together. Or maybe it's like a worship night with friends, and, you know, that's really filling our soul. Those things are true feasting. Um, but then we also need to talk about fasting. And I don't just mean intermittent fasting, although we are gonna talk about that, but I'm also talking about a kind of spiritual fasting that we see throughout scripture. Those intentional pauses where we say, Lord, I need you more than I need anything else. Those moments matter too. So intermittent fasting, if you aren't familiar with it, um, especially something gentle like a 12-12 rhythm, can be such a gift to our bodies. It gives our digestion a break. It also helps to regulate blood sugar and support hormone balance. And honestly, it just kind of gives our bodies a chance to breathe. And you know this, I'm always gonna tell you that you must eat consistently during your eating window. My latte and a handful of goldfish isn't doing it, right? Like I really need to prepare my body for those 12 hours where I'm gonna be fasting. So, so you know, really looking at things and making sure that I'm eating on a regular basis, just like we tell our kids. Like our kids need to eat every two to three hours to keep their body regulated. Well, in our eating we window, we also need to be feeding or nourishing our bodies every two to three hours. Um, making sure that we're thinking about protein, that we're thinking about fiber as we do that. Um, we really want to nourish our nervous system so it doesn't slip into panic mode, which can happen really easily if um, you know, if you're not eating or you're kind of haphazard about how you do that. Um, these rhythms really help your body to feel safe again when your body knows when it's gonna get food. But then there's a spiritual fasting. And this is the kind that turns down like the noise of the world so that we can hear the whisper of God. Scripture is full of moments where God's people fasted to seek direction, to seek um, you know, to pray, to grieve, to prepare, or simply really just to draw close to him. One of my favorite verses is Joel 2.12, where God says, return to me with your with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Y'all, it's not just about deprivation, it's about devotion. It's about creating space to return to our first love. Um, now here's the part we don't talk about enough. Not every season is a season for extended fasting. Because fasting, both intermittent and spiritual, creates stress on the bodies, um, on the body by design. It's it's called a controlled stressor. So it's healthy and it's purposeful, but it's still a stressor. So when you're already in a season of survival mode, when the court dates are back to back, when your kids' behaviors are all over the place, when you're not getting any sleep, when you're getting sick, all of those things matter. It's probably your cortisol is probably sky high. Um, and and you need to really think about adding another stressor, even one like fasting that can be so good both for our body and our spirit. Um, but it can actually work against your body if you're not being intentional about when and how you do that. Um, and your body matters to God, you guys. Your nervous system matters to God. He is not honored by you pushing yourself into the ground in his name. We see Jesus going away to rest. We see Jesus taking moments really to um to take care of himself and to take care of others and their bodies. So, yes, intermittent fasting can be a beautiful rhythm for health. And yes, spiritual fasting can be one of the most intimate ways to draw near to Jesus. But wisdom says we honor the season we're in. Sometimes the most faithful thing that you can do is nourish your body so that you can hear from God clearly. And sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is rest because your body is already crying out for relief. And y'all always, when we talk about fasting, consult your doctor first to make sure it's safe for you. I'm not a medical professional, and this is not medical advice. I'm just simply talking about the practices that the Bible talks about as a spiritual discipline as we walk out our faith. Um, okay, let's talk about our second rhythm, which is uh the balance between work and working out and rest. So we're talking about rhythms that bring our bodies back to life. Movement has to be part of the conversation. It's not a punishment, it's not kind of an earn your food kind of thing, y'all. I am not about that. I'm talking about the kind of movement that supports your nervous system, clears your mind, and helps you show up with a little more strength for those little people in your home that need you. Uh, walking is one of the most underrated gifts that we have. You guys, I love it. It has for the past couple of years been my non-negotiable until the season that I'm in right now where every non-negotiable has become negotiable. And I've got to figure out how to fit it all in. Um, but it helps lower cortisol, it helps regulate our emotions, it boosts our mood, it supports digestion, and it just gives us a moment to breathe. Um, if you can get outside in sunshine, that is even better. There's something about the feeling of air on your face and the ground under your feet that really reminds your body you're safe, you're here, you're okay. Um, and then the other thing when we talk about movement that I always talk about is strength training. Um, foster and adoptive parents, you guys, we carry a lot. We carry a lot emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Strength training literally teaches your body how to carry hard things well. And y'all, not just physical things, but it teaches your body how to metabolize stress and to really build resilience. Um, it helps build resilience in your muscles, but it always builds resilience in your mind. So when you learn how to push, how to breathe through discomfort, how to stay steady, all of that is helping build resilience in your body. And that spills into your parenting, actually, a lot more than we realize. So you don't need perfection, you don't need a gym membership, you don't need an hour every day. You just need to be consistent and little bits of movement that remind your body you're strong, you're capable, you're supported, really trying to build some of that muscle. So walking regulates, strength training fortifies. Um, and together they really help you live from a place of strength instead of survival. But the balance to that, our bodies were never meant to go without recovery. Um, strength training actually taught me that. So, as we're strength training, I said muscle helps our bodies metabolize stress, but it only grows when we rest. So the way that you build muscle is when you um stress the muscle through strength training, it actually breaks the muscle down. And rest for that muscle is actually what helps it repair. Um, so the same goes for our hearts and our minds too. Like when we're stressing those muscles, rest helps those muscles build stronger. Uh, Jesus said in Matthew 11, 28, come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Rest isn't a reward, it's a rhythm, y'all. And it's necessary, it's preparation. Teach your kids like Sabbath. I this is one of the practices that I really have been trying, especially in the midst of our busy. Um, I've been trying to make sure that I have a Sabbath every single week. Um, so teach your kids that show that, model that. Um, or you know, even start by just having a slow morning. Like let the laundry sit and wait. Um go outside, take a walk, just take it slow for one day. Rest really is holy. It's not laziness, it is obedience, and it is necessary for your journey. All right. Rhythm number three is pouring out, but also having others pour in. Um, so we've got most of us have the pouring out part down. We understand how to do that, but you can't pour from an empty cup. And that's not just a cliche. It's true. Um, my husband has learned this about me, and I've talked about this before too, but he'll give me a couple of nights away a few times a year. Sometimes I'll go to a hotel. Other times he'll take the kids to see uh family and leave me home alone. Either way, I need that space to recharge. I need time to practice the discipline of solitude and prayer and extended time in the word. I need the Lord to pour into me. Those disciplines are so crucial as we walk on the front lines of spiritual warfare every day, y'all. But I've also learned the power recently of really letting others in my faith community pour into me spiritually as well. I joined um a discipleship group at church. We meet once a month as a group, but we also meet throughout the month as like prayer partners and stuff like that. We text each other, but we meet once a month for several hours. And y'all, it has been such a gift. I mean, we take that time, we encourage one another in truth, we remind each other of truth, um, we build one another up, we share honestly with one another, we confess our sins to one another, we pray for one another. I mean, it's just such a rich time. I always come home lighter and more grounded and more capable of really showing up for my kids and my family. As foster parents, we're so often the helpers that are kind of holding out everything together. But Jesus himself modeled being served. He let the disciples wash his feet, he let a woman anoint him with oil. Receiving isn't weakness, um, it's humility. So, who are your people? Who is pouring into you? Don't do this alone. Find a mentor, find somebody who really is gonna build you up in your faith. All right, rhythm number four: serve and be served, that kind of pattern back and forth. Um, this might be the hardest rhythm for some of us because uh we love to serve. It's our nature as caregivers. Um, but we may struggle with being served sometimes, but the healthiest kingdom rhythm involves both. Um, let others really be the body, you guys. Allow your church family to use their gifts to the glory of God, whether that's bringing you a meal or watching your kids for a night. Y'all, I am not a meal person. In fact, when I started serving with our foster care community at church, I reached out. We had started at this new church and they had a foster care community. Um, and I reached out to the leaders and I just said, hey, you know, I have experience. This is what I do professionally. I'm happy to help in any way that you give me, but I am not good at bringing meals. So please don't ask me to bring a meal, y'all. Bringing meals to people makes me so very anxious. I don't know why. I don't know why. That is just not my gifting. But I have so many friends that they love that. Like that is just the way that God gifted them. They're nurturers that just love to cook and serve others in that way. Um, so y'all, if you have people that love doing that, let them bring you a meal. Um, let people watch your kids for a night. Let people pray for you. Tell them what to pray for you so that they can be praying. You know, if you have somebody who's really great at math and wants to tutor one of your kids in math, let them serve your family in that way. This is how we walk as the body of Christ is that we allow everybody to display their gifts that God has given them. Um, and teach our children, you know, teach your children this rhythm too. Let them see you receive this service. Let them see you receive care. Let them see that it's okay to need people. That's what community looks like. When we walk like we don't need anybody else, we just need to pull up our bootstraps and try harder and do more and all the things. We're not being good models to our kids. Our kids need to see the community, the body of Christ really coming together to walk as one. All right, number five is to love and be loved. And you guys, this might be the most important one because it really is the heartbeat of the gospel. Um, and as we talk about some of these spiritual disciplines, you know, service and, you know, being poured into spiritually and loving others and being loved well. It may not seem like these spiritual disciplines affect us physically, but they do. These spiritual things change our physical health as well. It is, we are one person, one whole person, body, soul, spirit, right? And so we have to care for the whole person. Um, so when we're talking about these spiritual disciplines, these really are ways not just to nourish our faith, to nourish our spiritual body, but to nourish our minds and our physical bodies as well. Um, so to love and be loved, um, you know, you love big every day. You love your kids well, you love social workers and birth families, and y'all, you may even love on some attorneys. Um, but what about receiving love? So your kids are not designed to meet your relational needs. They can't. They were never meant to. But that doesn't mean that your relational needs don't matter. Um, I have a friend that I talk to almost every day, and that connection really refuels me. It's laughter, it's prayer, like it's somebody to really um ground me. It's somebody that can look at me and say, hey, what's the need behind your child's behavior? Right. She reminds me of truth. She encourages me. And it reminds me that I'm a person outside of the constant swirl of appointments and behaviors and caseworker calls. Like I am a person that needs that, you know, friendships and relationships as well. And y'all, it's not just emotional support. Like, it's not just about emotional support. That's a spiritual discipline. Scripture never presents a faith as a solo act. You weren't meant to walk this alone. Over and over, we see commands to bear one another's burdens, to encourage one another, to spur one another on, to sharpen one another. Deep community is not an option for you. It's the rhythm that keeps our hearts soft, steady, and connected. And honestly, one of the places this plays out most powerfully is in the local church. But let's talk about a real challenge for a second, because for foster and adoptive families, getting to church can feel like uh like an extreme sport or something, right? Kids can't sit still, kids who don't handle transitions well, kids who melt down in children's ministry or won't, you know, they won't separate from you or they're triggered by crowds, kids who don't look like the quiet little church children we grew up around. Um, and that's your reality. You know, it's really tempting to say in those scenarios, maybe this just isn't for us right now. Maybe we'll go back when things calm down. Maybe watching online is enough. But community is one of the ways that God holds us together when life feels, you know, fractured. It's not just attending church, it's being rooted in a church family. It's showing up messy, showing up tired, showing up with kids who might not cooperate, showing up even when all your brain wants to do is hide at home. Because being an active part of the body, worshiping with others, receiving teaching, being known, serving, letting people pray over you, it strengthens parts of your spirit that isolation quietly weakens. And yes, it might look imperfect. Maybe you walk the halls with your children during the sermon. Uh, maybe you sit in the back with a bag of sensory tools. Maybe kids' church is a hit or miss. Maybe you tag team with your spouse. Maybe someone else holds your baby so that you can breathe. But imperfect community is still holy. You were never meant to carry this calling alone. Your key kids need connection, and so do you. And the church, the actual gathered people of God, is one of the ways that the Lord pours strength back into you as a weary parent. Community is not a luxury, it's not an extra, it's not something you get when everything is easy, y'all. It's one of the ways that God heals, restores, and sustains you in the middle of the hard. And I can't say enough about how important it is also when we're talking about, you know, receiving love and and really, you know, being a part of um how important it is to stay connected in your marriage, um, for you to receive love from your spouse. And y'all, it's not gonna be perfect. And it's, I'm not talking about romantically every night or whatever, but in intentionality, like really being um receiving love and loving well um within your marriage. Because when we allow ourselves to truly receive love from our spouse, it softens us, it steadies us, it reminds us that we're not carrying this calling all by ourselves. And when our hearts are tended to, when our hearts are cared for, when we're connected relationally to other people, we naturally become better parents. Not because we're trying harder, but because we're better supported. Scripture tells us in first John 419, we love because he first loved us. That means every single act of love we pour out to our kids, to our spouse, to the people we serve with, to the people in our church, um, it begins with receiving his love first. It's his love that fills us, his love that covers our gaps, his love that teaches us how to give without running dry. When we live from that place, when we're really receiving love from God and allowing ourselves to receive love from the people that he's given us, something shifts. We stop striving, and y'all, that's super hard. Uh, we stop white knuckling our way through everything. Um, and we really start flowing from a heart that's actually full. And that and that's where we want to be. So as you think about your own life this week, where does your rhythm feel off? Is it in your physical health? Is it in your spiritual connection? Is it your rest? Maybe this week you just pick one rhythm to lean into. Fast and feast and nourish your body intentionally. Uh, build rest into your schedule. Also build movement into your schedule. Make sure there's a balance there. Let somebody pour into you this week. You know, seek out a spiritual mentor, somebody that's gonna pray over you, somebody that's going to build you up in truth and wisdom. Um, and then say yes. You know, maybe you say yes when somebody offers to help. Um, and think about writing about it, journal or pray through it. Ask God to show. You, what rhythm he's inviting you back into. You don't have to do it all to be well. Just start with one rhythm. Um, that is what I'm gonna do this week, really starting with one thing. Um, and mine is gonna be to start nourishing my body better, to get that fast feast nourishment under control. Um, and then let God set the pace as to when you add additional things in. Thank you so much for spending time with me today, friends. If this episode resonated, would you share it with another foster or adoptive parent who might need a reminder that wellness is possible even here, even now? Y'all are preaching that to myself today. Um, and I would also love it if you would leave a review on the podcast. It helps other parents just like you find this podcast. All right, let's pray together. Father God, we come before you weary. Um, Lord, but we're willing. We're willing to do what it takes to serve you and to serve our kids well. Um, some of us are tired, like really down to the bones. We are worn from serving and we're we're tired of trying to keep it all together. And yet you see us, you know every burden we carry, you know every late night, every court date, every prayer whispered. Um, Lord, would you teach us your rhythms? Would you teach us that balance of work and rest and giving and receiving and loving and being loved? Would you help us see that wellness isn't found in doing more, but in walking with you and how you've called us to walk step by step, breath by breath. For the parent who feels empty today, Lord, pour your living water into their dry spaces. Um, for the one who feels unseen, God, remind them that you delight in them and feel and for the one who feels um guilty, Lord, in in resting and feasting, Lord, remind them that there is this rhythm in your creation. You rested after creation. You, Jesus, you feasted with your people. Um you know, there is rest, Lord, in in what you've given us, the rhythms that you've given us. We are called to rest. God, reorient our hearts to your pace. Help us fast from what drains us and feast on what fills us, Lord. Surround us with community, people who pour into us as we pour into others, Lord. And when we forget, remind us that we are loved, not just for what we do, but because you first loved us. Thank you for entrusting us with these children, Lord, these stories and these sacred callings. Help us to steward them with grace and rest and rhythm. Jesus, we love you. We trust you. It's in your name we pray. Amen.