Foster Parent Well

Basics of Trauma and the Body For Foster and Adoptive Parents

• Nicole T Barlow • Season 3 • Episode 67

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What if the outbursts, shutdowns, or “mixed signals” you see aren’t defiance at all, but a nervous system trying to survive? We pull back the curtain on how trauma reshapes a child’s brain and body, why trust feels dangerous, and what it actually takes to build safety that can be felt, not just promised. Drawing from lived experience as a foster and adoptive mom and the lens of TBRI-informed practice, I break down acute, chronic, and complex developmental trauma in simple, practical terms you can use today.

We explore how survival mode steals energy from learning and language, why a nine-year-old may function like a four-year-old socially, and how that gap should change our expectations, routines, and school plans. You’ll hear a clear explanation of stress chemistry—cortisol, adrenaline, digestion, sleep, and cravings—and why bathroom issues, sugar seeking, and mood swings persist when the body never gets the “all clear.” I share how habits like control, hoarding, or rejecting comfort are often survival strategies, not character flaws, and how repetition, predictability, and co-regulation slowly rewire the brain toward trust.

This conversation also centers the caregiver’s wellness and faith. Regulated adults regulate kids, so we walk through small, repeatable rhythms that lower stress and sustain your presence: steady routines, protein and hydration, sensory tools, movement, and time with God that refuels patience and hope. Progress is real but rarely fast; safety becomes believable only when it’s experienced over and over. If you need language to explain what you’re seeing, permission to lower demands, and encouragement to keep showing up, you’ll leave with practical steps and renewed courage for the long road of healing.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it today, and leave a review so more caregivers can find the support they’re searching for.

The Body Keeps the Score: https://a.co/d/9nMc4UC

The Connected Child: https://a.co/d/e9yEOnh

The Out-of-Sync Child: https://a.co/d/4BKYkTq

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well Podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption, and trauma. I'm your host, Nicole T. Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach, and an adaptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance, and joy. I want you to foster parent well. So let's jump in. Y'all, we have a bunch of new listeners lately. So if this is your first time, welcome. I'm a parent trainer and a TBRI practitioner. Um, but I am also a former foster parent and a mom of six kids, five of whom were adopted as a sibling group for foster care. So whether you've been in the trenches of foster care for a long time or you're brand new to it all, I want to walk with you through all the things because you guys, I am still in it, right? I'm still doing the hard work with my kids. Um, this is a lifelong process as we um, you know, constantly trying to um pull together as a family. Uh so this week especially has been a doozy for me and my people. We made a really hard decision to pull one of my kiddos out of school and to bring her home to homeschool for a season. Um, y'all, and she didn't necessarily want to be pulled out of school, but but it was still causing so much anxiety that we felt like at least for this season, this was a decision that we needed to make. And then one of my other kids um passed out and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. If you are a longtime listener, you might remember that the same thing happened to this child last year. Um, but it's still just as scary. And y'all, all of these things are a result of trauma. So today I thought we would walk through some trauma basics as just a reminder, because I need this. Um, but a reminder of what our kids are experiencing, not just behaviorally, but what is going on on the inside of their bodies based on the things that they have experienced in the past. Um, so trauma is not really an event, but really how our bodies react to an event or series of events. So there's different types of trauma. Acute trauma is something that happens one time, think like a natural disaster or car accident or something of the sort. It is a one-time event, but that impact um has such an impact on the body and the brain that it changes the way the brain and a body works. Then there's something called chronic trauma. This comes from things like domestic violence or somebody that's chronically ill and subjected to like a lot of extensive medical procedures. Um, it's something that happens over and over for a long period of time and causing causes that lasting psychological impact. But then there is complex developmental trauma. And this is what a lot of our kids experience. This trauma is often varied in nature, meaning it may be neglect and verbal abuse and physical abuse. Um, and these things happen repeatedly over a long period of time. It's inflicted by caregivers or people that the child has a relationship with, and it happens to a child before their brain is fully formed. And all of these elements play a part in how the brain and the body react to the events. So our brain is wired first and foremost for survival. It really is a beautiful design by God to help us overcome obstacles that we are bound to encounter in this world. We're gonna encounter some danger. Um, so when the system works as is as it was designed, our brain detects danger and all of the body's systems work to help you either fight the danger or get away. It also helps us prioritize our body's needs for things like food, water, and temper temperature regulation because those things help us stay alive. So just think about hunger cues. So when you're just a little hungry, your body starts to shift a little and you become maybe a little irritable or um, you know, maybe just a little off a little bit. But as that hunger increases, the more primitive your instincts and brain becomes, and the more food becomes a priority over everything else. So you may struggle to think straight, or your body may have trouble doing physical activity if your body is really, really hungry, right? Like if it's been a long extended period of time since you ate last. Um, I think about the story of Jacob and Esau in Genesis. So they're brothers. Esau is the oldest and would culturally be the heir to his family's estate. But he comes in one day as Jacob is making a stew, and Esau is so hungry that he trades his birthright for just some of that stew. That survival part of his brain said, your future doesn't matter if you die of hunger, right? And so our systems work much the same. So that might sound extreme to us, you know, kind of looking in from the outside, but that is how the brain works. It prioritizes survival over everything. Now let's think back to our kids. If our kids have lived for a long season in a state of survival, their brains and bodies are gonna look different. And so I want to talk about a couple of different ways that we see that. Uh, the first one is it alters brain development. So when the body is in survival mode, all of the body's energy goes towards keeping the body alive. So, in that, kids' brains often stop developing or it limits growth because the brain is too busy figuring out how to survive to worry about anything else. That means kids may struggle to learn and have higher levels of thinking and processing. So think language skills, executive function skills, uh, problem solving, critical thinking, et cetera. Um, all of those things may not be possible. Oftentimes, for kids that come into care or come to us through adoption, maybe developmentally less than half of their chronological age. Just think about all of the impact that right there has on a child. Um, one of my kids came to me at nine, but their social emotional age was four years and two months. So I was looking at a nine-year-old, but really talking to a four-year-old. And that is a really big difference when we're setting up rules and expectations and guidelines and how do we help this child through their day? You know, the way that I'm gonna interact with a four-year-old is gonna be very, very different than the way I interact with a nine-year-old. So we have to think about things from a developmental standpoint, not just a chronological standpoint. They may be chronologically nine, but developmentally, if they're four, then everything that they do is coming from the mind of a four-year-old, not a nine-year-old. The second thing that this um this trauma does for our kids is it alters brain and body chemistry. So when the body experiences stress, cortisol and adrenaline go up. This is to increase the blood flow to your brain and to your heart and to increase breathing so that you can get away or fight whatever danger is in front of you. And a normal stress response cycle, those chemicals go up, but they stabilize once the danger has been overcome and the body feels safe again. But for kids that may not be able to get away from whatever the danger is, or they may not be able to fight back, um, think about it. How do how would they fight back? Right? Like, how does an infant fight or get away from not being fed? How does a two-year-old fight back against an adult that is hurting them? So in turn, and in our kids that can't fight back or get away from whatever the danger is that they're encountering, those chemicals stay high and that body stays on high alert. It doesn't ever get back to that homeostasis or calm state. But this alters the way that the body works as a whole. So it slows digestion. Um, hello, bathroom and potty training issues. You guys, if you've ever had a child that comes into your home and struggles with potty training or struggles with bathroom issues, it's because the body chemistry may have changed to alter the way the digestive system works. Um, it changes food cravings. So the body may crave a lot of sugar because sugar is quick energy. And so if the body feels like if adrenaline is high, as cortisol is high, it may crave that quick energy to keep those things going. Um, and it changes regulation and a mood, like your mood regulation and emotions, because a lot of that comes from your body chemistry. It also changes the body's senses and how the body experiences outside stimuli. So things like taste and sound and touch may be experienced differently if the body chemistry is different. When cortisol and adrenaline stay high, it decreases the body's ability to make serotonin, which is like your happy hormone, uh, dopamine, which is like your excitatory hormone, and oxytocin, which is like the trust and love hormone. This is even true of babies, you guys, that may be in your home from the very beginning. This chemistry is something that gets passed down from the mom in utero. So if mom experiences a lot of stress and has high cortisol and high adrenaline and stuff, that stuff is getting passed along to the baby. You guys, just a little bit of a side note. I've researched, really researched the fall in Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve eat of the tree that God told them not to eat from. And I truly believe that this body chemistry changed happened then when they stopped fully trusting in God to care for them perfectly. Um, and that this is at least part of how man's sinful nature gets passed on from generation to generation. So as soon as Eve eats from the fruit, fear changes the body chemistry in her body, which now gets passed on to every future person. Um, just crazy, right? And the more stressed our bodies are, the more those chemicals drive us to do more primitive reactions as a way to survive. So, you know, the more stressed, this is true of us too as an adult, um, the more stressed we are, the more likely we are to give in to whatever cravings are going on in the moment. It's why it's so important for us that we are eating and doing things on a regular basis, caring for our bodies, so that our bodies can manage that stress and we're not giving in to those primitive reactions. Um, but that leads us to the third result. So our brains, their neural pathways that wire to form habits or ways of being based off of what we have been doing to survive. So if you think about our kids, our kids have been doing things to survive, whatever that may be, and their brains have wired to form a habit to say, hey, this is how you do things in order to survive. So they're not even consciously thinking about some of the things that they're doing. It just has become habit. Um, some of the things that we see in our kids, some of the behaviors we see in our kids are based on a survival reaction or trigger, right? Like they, their bodies feel like they are reacting to danger. But some of it is just based off of habit because that is how their body is used to functioning as a way to survive. So it's important to take those things into consideration as well. And then the biggest factor is this complex developmental trauma changes the way that kids see relationships, and it really hinders their ability to trust, especially adults, because trauma doesn't just affect behavior, it actually shapes the way that the brain sees relationships. So when a child experiences chronic stress, neglect, abuse, or even just repeated loss. So you guys coming into foster care is a loss, it is a trauma for our kids. Um, but their brains adapt to survive to that environment. So the brain, that part of the brain um responsible for detecting danger becomes overactive, right? And and what they sense is danger, a lot of times, because their trauma was relational, they're looking at all relationships. Their worldview have has shifted or even formed from the beginning to think that relationships or adults or caregivers are unsafe. Um, that stress response system then is constantly turned on. Um, and their body is learning to stay alert, don't relax, don't rely on anyone, don't trust anyone. Um, but at the same time, the parts of their brain that support connection, emotional regulation, and trust don't get that chance to develop. So, in the same way that we talked about in the beginning, that their brains may not be fully developed, this hinders relationship. Um, relationships don't register as safe, they register as unpredictable. This is why trust feels so threatening to our kids. For many of them, adults have been inconsistent or unsafe. So promises were broken, needs were ignored, um, care came with conditions, and a lot of times it came with harm. So their nervous system learns that closeness equals vulnerability, and vulnerability equals danger. And so they have to put up a wall to protect themselves. And here's the part that matters so much for us as parents and caregivers. This isn't a conscious choice. This is not a child deciding to be difficult. This is the body and the brain that learned very early on how to survive, y'all. And that survival when they were in a different environment is a gift. Their brains adapting to that environment and adjusting to help them survive is a gift. We just have to retrain their brain to help them see that some adults can be trusted. So when a child pushes you away right after a good moment, that's not rejection, that's fear. When they sabotage connection, that's not manipulation, that's protection. When they seem controlling or hyper-independent, it's because depending on someone once felt too risky. So their brain is constantly asking, is this safe? Am I safe? Are you going to stay? And all of those things really matter. Even when they are safe, even when we are consistent, their brain doesn't know that yet. Safety has to be experienced over and over and over and over and over again before it can be believed. Like their neural pathways literally have to rewire so that they they have a different habit, so that they have a different way of thinking and doing. This is why connection takes time. And this is why progress is slow, you guys. My kids have been with us 10 years and we have overcome a lot. You know, I talked about, I think in the last podcast or two podcasts ago or whatever, that um, you know, we just hit a huge milestone over the Christmas break in that we went a whole two weeks with not one major meltdown, which is huge, but it's been 10 years, right? That is slow progress, but it is progress. Um, and it's why love alone, like us just having this mentality that if we just love enough, it will be worth it. Love is powerful, but it doesn't immediately rewire the brain. And this is also where our faith becomes essential. Because when we are loving a child who cannot yet trust love, we're stepping into this like holy ground. Scripture tells us that God is a father to the father, the fatherless, which means that he understands attachment wounds better than anyone. He understands betrayal, he understands what it means to be abandoned by the very people who should have state. He knows our kids' hearts. And when we show up again and again, even when that trust is hard, we are reflecting his heart to them. Because when our kids learn not to trust, they're not just learning not to trust us, but they're also learning not to trust God. And so we can be a catalyst to that shift. Though it's really important that we all remember that we are not the healer. God is, but we get to be a part of this process. We get to be the steady presence. We get to help with the regulated nervous system so that they can have somebody to comfort them and latch on to. We get to be the safe place that their brain can slowly learn to rest. And some days, you guys, that feels incredibly heavy, doesn't it? Because the truth is, loving kids with trauma will activate our own stress responses. It will stretch us emotionally and physically and spiritually. And that's why caring for ourselves is not optional in this work. We cannot co-regulate if we are constantly dysregulated. So if our bodies are in survival mode, because our brains work much the same way, um, we can't offer safety if our own nervous systems are in that survival mode. This is why God doesn't just call us to love others, he also invites us to rest in him, to fully trust him. Because the same God who is restoring their ability to trust is also sustaining you. That same spirit who brings healing is also giving you patience, wisdom, and strength for whatever he's called you to today. You are not failing, you guys. Trust takes time. You are not doing it wrong if price. Progress feels slow. You are really doing sacred work in a space where healing happens inch by inch. This is a marathon, not a hundred-yard dash. Um, and God really sees every moment where you show up, you guys, and he will show up for you. So as we wrap up today, I just want you to hear this clearly. You are not powerless in the midst of the hard. There are ways to walk beside our kids when trauma shows up. It just looks different. But there are tools that can help support their brains, their bodies, and their hearts as they're as they heal. And there are resources that can help you, uh, that can help you feel less alone and more equipped for what you're facing. There are people that have gone before us, you guys, that have done the hard work to show us good ways to walk this road. Um, I'm gonna leave some really solid resources in the show notes for you so you can look at those. These things are practical, they're trauma-informed, and they're rooted in the understanding that healing takes time. So you don't have to do everything at once and you don't have to do it perfectly. Sometimes the the next right step is just learning a little more and staying connected. We need to be constant learners. And so again, I'll put some resources in the show notes that help us stay in that posture. If this episode was helpful for you, I would love for you to come hang out with me on Facebook or Instagram. That's where I share encouragement, education, and lots of real life around parenting kids with trauma and caring for our own nervous systems and keeping our faith kind of central to everything. Um, and if you're enjoying this podcast, it would mean so much if you'd take a minute to rate and review it wherever you're listening. Those reviews help this message reach other parents who are right in the middle of this work and wondering if they're doing it right. Um, but before we go, I would love to pray for you. God, you see every parent listening right now. You see the weight they carry, the questions they're asking, the moments that feel overwhelming. You see the nights they stay awake, worrying, and the days they pour themselves out moment after moment after moment. And and Lord, you see the love that they keep offering even when it's not received the way that they hoped. Lord, I ask that you would meet them right where they are. Bring peace to their nervous systems, bring wisdom to their decisions, remind them that you are near to the brokenhearted and you are a father to the fatherless. Would you continue the work of restoration in their children's hearts and brains? Would you use their consistency and their presence and their love as a part of your redemptive plan? And when the work feels heavy, Lord, would you strengthen them with your spirit and remind them that they are never meant to do this alone? We trust you with the healing, Lord. We trust you with this process. And we thank you for walking with us every step of the way. Lord, you are our everything. Help us to continue to look to you. God, we love you. We trust you. In Jesus' name, amen.