Honest Foster Care Advocacy

The hardest seasons are the ones we want to hide, and they are often the ones other foster parents most need to hear about. We are coming to you from the messy middle, where trauma meets puberty, where kitchens are loud, and where you can love the people under your roof with your whole life and still feel like you have nothing left to give. If you have ever thought, “I cannot encourage anyone right now because I am barely surviving,” this conversation is for you.

May is National Foster Care Awareness Month, and we wrestle with a real question: how do we recruit, advocate, and invite others in without selling a highlight reel? Polished foster care advocacy can isolate families who are struggling and can give future foster parents unrealistic expectations. We talk about a faith-filled “both and” framework: foster care is hard and holy, grief and gift, exhausting and sacred. We also name the reality underneath adoption and reunification, and why telling the truth can actually build trust and reduce shame.

You will leave with practical, trauma-informed ways to advocate without oversharing: tell one true thing, reframe the ask so people can support through respite care, meal trains, rides, tutoring, mentoring, court advocacy, and donations, and invite questions instead of applause. We also get honest about sustainability, because rest is advocacy, and a burned-out foster parent is not a recruiter. If you are considering fostering, we share the clearest counsel we know: expect cost, expect Jesus, and do not do it alone.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Hard Season

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well Podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption, and trauma. I'm your host, Nicole T. Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach, and an adaptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance, and joy. I want you to foster parent well. So let's jump in. So I want to start today by being honest with you because if I jumped straight into a topic right now without acknowledging the elephant in the room, it would feel like I was performing and glazing over things. And that's the very last thing that this podcast is supposed to be. So it has been a while, a long while. And I've thought about recording probably a hundred times. In fact, I have recorded interviews and have episodes ready to post. Um, and I've sat down with my coffee and microphone in front of me several times, and then I've closed the laptop and walked away. Um, here's why. Things have been kind of a mess at home in this season. Um, it's the kind of mess where you love the people under your roof more than your own life, but but you also don't know what day it is, and you've cried in the pantry more than once um in a day. And, you know, in that kind of season where you're holding so much, there's just not a whole lot left to give. And every time I thought about pressing record, I thought about I felt like a hypocrite. Um, who am I to be encouraging anybody else to do um anything when I frankly am just trying to survive in this season? So I will tell you, y'all, the mix of trauma and puberty is the real deal. Um, it is hard. And we have it times three right now. So I have stayed quiet. Uh, I told myself I'd come back when when things calmed down, when I had some things figured out, when the dust settled, when I had a clean, kind of victorious story to tell. Um, but then last week, a dear friend of mine, and you know who you are if you're listening, sat across from me and said something that landed in my chest and just would not leave. She said, that is exactly why you need to record in this season. Because if it's hard for you, it's hard for someone else. And they need to hear someone say it out loud, not after you come out of it, but in the middle of the hard. And so I sat with that and I realized she was right. Uh, the pretty polished, I have it together version of foster care advocacy, it isn't just unhelpful, it is actually harmful. And it can make the foster mom listening in her car at school pickup feel like she's the only one drowning. And and y'all, it can also make like future potential foster parents walk into this calling with a totally unrealistic expectation and then crumble when reality hits. So here I am, imperfect in the middle, without a tidy bow, you guys. And I'm recording anyway, because chances are I'm not the only one. Chances are someone else needed to hear that today, too. So if you're listening and you're in a hard season, whether you're a foster parent, kinship parent, adoptive parent, bio mom or dad working through reunification, whatever the case may be, I want you to hear me say you are not alone and you are not disqualified by your hard season. Okay, deep breath. Let's get into it. Um, so it's May. And if you're in this world at all, you know that May is National Foster Care Awareness Month, which means social media is being flooded. Your timeline, my timeline, uh, with statistics and infographics and consider fostering posts and the occasional like polished family photo with a very thoughtful caption. Y'all, and I love all of that. I really do. Awareness matters, recruitment matters. Uh, there are nearly 400,000 children in foster care in the United States right now, and that's not a number. That's almost 400,000 individual kids, each one with a name, each one with a story, each one needing a safe, loving adult. But here's the question I've been wrestling with, and the question I want to wrestle with you uh today. So, how do we encourage and recruit and advocate during foster care awareness month in an honest way? How do we say this is hard and sometimes it really, really sucks without discouraging people to get involved? Like we want people to stand up and be part of the solution. Um, but we also want to share the beauty and gift of it all because it is both, you guys. Um, how do we encourage other people to step into this calling, though, when we ourselves are in a season of struggle? So that's the conversation today. And I don't have it all figured out, but I do have some thoughts and I think they're worth sharing. So there is a problem with this polished advocacy, right? So let me start there. I think the foster care community has, with the best of intentions, sometimes leaned too hard on one side or the other. I think I have seen seasons where it leans towards what I'd call like the highlight real advocacy. And you know what I mean. It it's the matching outfits, the adoption day photo, the we are so blessed caption. And listen, you guys, those moments are real. They're not fabricated, they do happen and they are precious and they should be celebrated. And I am not at all knocking them, right? But when that's the only image of foster care that the world sees, we create a problem. We set up new families to fail because they come in expecting this highlight reel. And instead, they get handed the behind the scenes footage uh that isn't so glamorous. We also isolate the families that are currently in the trenches because their reality just doesn't match the marketing. Uh, and we really miss the chance to invite the broader church and community into something deeper than a Facebook share, into actual costly, sustaining support. Here's a verse that I keep coming back to. In 2 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul writes, but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. Jars of clay, you guys, cracked, common. It's easily broken. That's us. That's the vessel. The treasure is the gospel and the love of Jesus and the work he's doing in the lives of us and in our children. But the vessel is very fragile. And I think when we pretend like we're not, we actually rob God of glory because his power is most visible against the backdrop of our weakness. So let's stop pretending that the jar isn't cracked, y'all. The cracks are where his light gets out. Um, I really think that when we start to advocate, and y'all, we are the best advocates for foster care. We are the ones who bring this to life for people in our community because they can see it in real life, right? But I think when we walk through this, we have to hold both the hard and the holy. So I want to give you a framework that's been helping me. And I think it'll help you too if you're trying to figure out how to talk about this season, honestly. I call it both and not either or, it's both and foster care is hard and holy. It is grief and a gift, it is exhausting and it is sacred. It is the worst day of a child's life. And sometimes the day God begins to rewrite a story. It is the thing that has broken me more than anything I've ever done. And it's the thing God has used to most make me look like Jesus. So when we share, we have to hold both. If we only share the hard, y'all, then we paint a picture of foster care that scares people away from the calling that God might be putting on their hearts. And I will say in that too, I think we have to be careful when we are sharing the hard. We do want to share the hard, but we can't prepare people for everything that God has for them. And sometimes their hearts, their eyes, their minds just aren't ready to hold just how hard this calling is. And so while I don't think that we should glaze over the hard, sometimes we don't need to share all of the gritty details because those details are seen by us in correlation with the gift, with the beauty, with the face of a specific child that matters, right? And without understanding the beauty and the gift of it all, sometimes the hard things that we might share are just too hard for people to hold. So I think we have to, we have to understand that uh dynamic and hold back some of the specifics of the hard and let God walk people through things themselves. Let them walk through a season where they are dependent on God to show them the way instead of you know us kind of laying out what all it could look like uh beforehand. Um if we only share the holy though, if we only share the gift, if we only share what a blessing this is, and we only share the good parts, then y'all, it's a lie, honestly. I mean, it's a straight up lie. And and we leave people unprepared. And so we have to walk in that tension of both and, right? We have to share that this is not easy. This is a very, very, a very, very difficult task that we take on. And y'all, it's not our kids that are hard. It's it's trauma. And I don't think people understand just how much of an effect that trauma has on everybody, on us, on our kids. Um, and we are fighting with our kids against the hard of trauma. So uh practically, here's what I'm gonna try to do this foster care awareness month, and maybe it will spark some ideas for you too. So when I share a hard moment, I'm gonna try to pair it with where I see God in it. Not in a forced, but God is good kind of way, but in an honest, this is wrecking me. And here's the small mercy from God that I noticed today in that kind of way. Um, and then likewise, when I share a beautiful moment, I'm not, I'm not gonna flatten it, right? But I'm not gonna pretend that the beauty came without a cost because it does cost something. I'm gonna honor the loss that almost always sits underneath the gain because there is loss, real tangible loss for our kids. And honestly, there is real tangible loss for us as well. We have to let go of a lot of the expectations that we might have had for our lives. Um, every adoption, you guys, begins with tragedy. Every reunification has been preceded by trauma. Like both are true. Those things, adoption can be beautiful, reunification can be so beautiful, right? But there's also really hard things under the surface in every aspect of that. Um, and that's true of the world. Like, beauty is in this world, and the beauty is real, but but that beauty comes at a cost. There is both and so how can you advocate from a hard season or when you're going through hard things? Um, let's get to the heart of this question. This is one that I have been afraid of. This is one that has kept me honestly from recording in this season. Um, and there have been seasons of my life where I have stepped back from advocating because I just had trouble believing that the cost was worth it, right? Um, I'm in a season now where I'm not there. Um, in that season, I did need to step away. I needed to wrestle through some things with God. That is not the season that I'm currently in. The season that I'm currently in is just difficult. It's messy. My household is does not look tidy. And I'm not talking from like a cleanlin, cleanliness um kind of aspect, but I mean, there is yelling, there is screaming, there are meltdowns, there is school refusal, there are some really, really hard things going on in our households. And and so I, you know, I have to kind of like think through how do I encourage other people to do this in this season? So I'm gonna ask that question to you. Can you encourage other people in foster care when you yourself are struggling? And here's what I'm landing on um right now is not just yes, but maybe especially yes. Um, think about it. Who do you trust more? The person who tells you that marriage is perfect, or the person who tells you that their marriage almost ended. And uh, here's what God did in the midst of that, right? When people are getting married, we celebrate the beauty of marriage, right? But we can't glaze over the fact for new couples that marriage is hard and it's something that you have to work at, right? This is this is much the same. Or uh, like when you even just in traditional parenting, right? Like the person that's raising toddlers, um, you want to help them understand that parenting is a beautiful gift, it is a gift from God, but at the same time, it is hard. It's hard to parent kids. We don't necessarily want advice, we don't want um feedback from everybody from people who look like they have it all together. We don't, it's we don't want people's lives to look like a Pinterest board because we know that's not reality, right? We want, at least I do, I want the person who their kitchen is a mess and they say, Hey, come sit down at my table anyway, right? We trust that kind of honesty in people and we follow honest people. And the foster care world desperately needs honest voices that says it's both and. So if you're in a hard season and you feel like a hypocrite for advocating, let me gently push back on that. You are not a hypocrite. And y'all, I tell, I mean, this is the space I'm in. Like I've had to wrestle with this a lot over the last week or two. But a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and does another. You're saying foster care is needed and beautiful and brutal. Um, and you're doing foster care in the brutal middle anyway. This is not hypocrisy. That's the most credible witness that there is. Uh, Paul, again, and I love this in in 2 Corinthians 12 says, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness so that the power of Christ may rest on me. So, you guys, boast in your weakness, not in a self-pitying way, but in a this is the canvas that God patents on way, right? Like people need to hear the messy and the raw of it all. Okay, so I promised you some practical um kind of steps as we step into this advocacy this month, as we step into helping other people feel aware of what's going on in foster care in our communities and what foster care looks like in our communities. So let's get practical. Here are some real concrete ideas for sharing honestly during foster care awareness month, even and especially you guys from a hard season. So, number one, tell one true thing. You don't have to write a manifesto. And you guys, I know for those of you that are in the trenches, you have a book's worth of stuff that has piled up, right? That you know about the system, that you would change about the system, that you've seen in the system. Um, but know that you don't have to post everything, you don't have to post every day. Just pick one true thing about your week and share it. So something like today, I held a child who isn't biologically mine while she cried for her mom. And I cried too because grief is real and so is love. That's it. That's enough. One true sentence is more powerful than a thousand polished ones. So help people see what your day looks like, right? Be careful not to expose too much about your child or your child's story. And of course, we don't ever want to post pictures of kids in care um online, but there are ways that you can share what foster care looks like um in a way that's honest and true. The second thing is to reframe the ask. So instead of asking your community, like, have you considered fostering? Which y'all can feel like a lot. Um, try asking, do you know that there are other ways to support foster families and vulnerable kids, vulnerable kids? Because y'all, there are. There are lots of ways that people can step in and help and get involved and be exposed to this world without actually fostering. There's things like respite care, meal trains, um, transportation, tutoring, mentoring, court advocacy, um, babysitter, you know, things, diaper donations. Um, there are lots of ways that people can plug in and get exposed to the need in an even greater way and be a help to uh the system and children and families in the process. Not everyone is called to foster, and even those people that are called to foster may not be called to foster in every season. But every single person is called to care for the vulnerable. Uh in James 127, it talks about this. And we want to widen the on ramp because it's not just about fully jumping in and bringing kids into your home every time. Sometimes people need to take a baby step to get exposed to what this world looks like. All right, number three is to name the loss. When you talk about your placement, um, your kiddo, your story, name the loss underneath it all. So you can talk about how grateful you are to have this child in your home, but also on the other side, talk about the fact that you hate she's not with her mom right now. Um, both of those things can be true. And so we need to make sure that when we say things, it's not one-sided that we're sharing both sides of it. Um, modeling that for your um audience teaches them how to think about things more rightly. Um, part of what we're doing in our advocacy is educating people on what foster care really is and that both and. Okay, number four is to invite questions, not applause. So this becomes really, really hard because I think people naturally celebrate people doing hard and holy things, right? So we do get, oh, you're you're such a saint, you're such a hero. You get those comments, not even for really doing doing anything, but because what you're doing is so outside of the norm, right? But when you post in your heart, really examine your heart to make sure that you're not posting for affirmation. Post to start conversations. So end whatever post or whatever thing you may say publicly, end it with a question. Um, and and maybe you'll be shocked about what people actually ask, right? But but bring people into that conversation, bring people in to ask questions versus posting something that is just gonna celebrate you and your family. All right, number five, um, understanding that rest is advocacy. Hear me on this. If you are running on empty, you guys, the most advocacy-driven thing that you can do this month might be to take a nap. Order the pizza, skip the post, take a Sabbath, because a burned-out foster parent is not a recruiter. They're a cautionary tale. Um, so you taking care of yourself is a long-term gift to the kids who are currently in your home, to the kids that are gonna need you in the future. Uh, don't sacrifice your sustainability on the altar of awareness. So make sure that you're not stepping out to do too much and um to get yourself in a space where you're carrying more than what you should be carrying. All right, number six, don't recruit alone. Recruit your circle. So if God is laying somebody on your heart, send them a voice memo. Have them over for coffee, invite them into your real life, laundry pile and all you guys. Let them see the real deal. Recruitment doesn't happen on Instagram. Think about it in terms of discipleship, right? We're showing other people, specifically other people in the church, what it looks like to serve the vulnerable. We're bringing people along. Help them see what that looks like. Again, not in a self-promoting way, not in a way that breeds affirmation for you, but in a way where we're passing that down to future generations. Um, I just finished Joshua, the book of Joshua, and have started the book of Judges. And one of the things that it talks about is there was a generation of Israelites that um they're the current generation had been so focused on doing what is right that they forgot to pass it down. And so when they didn't pass it down, then the next generation looked completely different. And so we have to remember that our job is not only to do the work of caring for vulnerable kids, but how do we bring people along in the church? How do we um help people see what it looks like to serve kids and families? Um, how do we bring them along up close so that they learn to do that for themselves? And y'all, this happens at kitchen tables. This happens around uh like a fire pit, right? This isn't just something that happens on social media. The most effective foster parent recruiter is the foster parent who lets people inside of their actual home. And that can feel scary. Y'all, I know this. Uh, it can feel scary when your house isn't all put together, when things are gonna get a little messy, when kids may have a meltdown, right? But when we step into that vulnerable space and let others in, one, they know better how to help us and how to walk alongside of us. But the other part is that we are equipping them in ways to actually be able to step up themselves. So let's let me talk a little bit to the foster parent that is struggling in this season. Uh, the foster parent who's barely hanging on y'all, the kinship grandma who didn't sign up for this and is doing it anyway. Um just know that everybody may not be in a season to advocate this month. And hear me in this because I truly believe that the people doing this work are the best advocates. But if all you can do today is to keep these kids fed and safe and loved, that is enough. That is sacred work. The Lord sees you where you are. Don't feel like if you're in a specially hard season, uh, don't feel like you have to post anything. Don't feel like you have to share a single statistic. You don't have to put on a brave face uh for social media followers. Just keep showing up for your kids. And if you do feel led to share something, y'all let it be true. Let it be small, let it be from the middle of the hard, because there is somebody else that's in the middle who needs to know that they're not alone. Uh, I also want to say something to the person that's considering this calling. If you're listening and you've never fostered before, but it keeps coming up in your heart, you know, at the church service, in the grocery store, when you see a news story, I want you to hear this too. Foster care will cost you. I will not lie to you, y'all. It will cost you sleep, it will cost you money, it will cost you friendships, it will cost you your peace. Um, it will cost you a version of your life that you thought you'd have. It will introduce you to grief that you didn't know existed. And it will undo you in ways that truly hurt at your core. And remember, it's both and uh, it will be the deepest, most God-soaked thing that you ever do. You will see the gospel in your living room. You will hold children that Jesus is holding. You will become more like him than you ever could have on your own. So don't come into this expecting easy. Come into this expecting Jesus. He shows up in foster care like nowhere else I've ever seen, you guys. And do not, please, please, do not know this. This is the most important thing if you are considering foster care that you will hear today. Do not do it alone. Find your people. Find a church that gets it. Find another foster family who will pick up the phone at 11 p.m. when you're in crisis. Build the village before you need it, and then jump, right? Um, so as we wrap up today, you guys, I want to leave you with three questions to sit with this week. Whether you're a foster parent or not, whether you're in a hard season or a softer one. Um, the first one is where in my life am I performing instead of being honest? And what would it look like to drop the polished version and tell someone one true thing? The second one is this. This foster care awareness month, who is the one person I could invite into the work? Not necessarily to foster, but to support? And what's the specific ask? I think as foster parents, we are usually the doers and we're not good at asking other people for help. So what's the one specific thing that you need help with? And then three, if God is using crack jars of clay, am I willing to let my cracks show so that his light gets out? I want you to sit with those this week, pray over those, maybe journal on those, but really process what it looks like to show people the both and. Y'all friends, I am so glad that I am back. I am so glad that you stayed. Thank you for letting me be honest. Thank you for being honest with the people in your life this month. Um, if this episode meant something to you, would you do me a favor? Send it to one person. Send it to the foster mom who's drowning, send it to the friend who's been asking questions about this calling, or the church leader that needs to think about how their congregation is showing up for the vulnerable kids. Just one person, that's how this changes. And if you want to keep the conversation going, you can find me at Nicole T. Barlow on Instagram. Y'all, I read every message, even when it takes me a while. I will get back to you. Let me pray for us as we close out today. Lord Jesus, I just thank you. I thank you for the hard. I thank you for this calling. I thank you that we get to stand up in these hard and holy spaces. Um, God, thank you for allowing us to have a voice in our community where we can share the needs of the vulnerable with other people. Um and Lord, thank you for carrying us through it all. Thank you that we can depend on you. And even with our cracks in our jars, Lord, you shine through, you give people light through our weakness. Uh, Lord, we love you and we trust you. In Jesus' name. Amen.