Smoother Transitions For Foster and Adoptive Kids with Dr. Brandy-Lea McCombs

The fastest way to turn a peaceful day into chaos is a simple transition: shoes on, screens off, cleanup time, bedtime. For foster parents and adoptive families, those small pivots can hit like a tidal wave, and it’s easy to wonder why a child who seems “fine” suddenly spirals. We’re opening season four with a practical, hope-filled conversation on transitions and why trauma makes change feel so hard. 

Dr. Brandy-Lea McCombs joins us with deep experience in education and trauma strategies, plus her own perspective as an adoptive mom. Together, we unpack what’s happening in the brain during transitions, including executive function demands and the role of the prefrontal cortex when kids have lived through stress, chaos, and loss of control. We also talk honestly about holidays, moves, school routines, and the long arc of growing up when a child’s developmental age doesn’t match the number on their birthday. 

You’ll walk away with concrete, trauma-informed parenting tools you can use right away: pre-talk that doesn’t overwhelm, side-by-side “walk and talk” conversations, visual supports like calendars and checklists, countdowns and timers that build trust, predictable routines, color coding, and night-before prep to make mornings calmer. We also explore how to slowly scaffold independence without stripping away the supports that help kids succeed, and how faith can live alongside science when we’re setting expectations for obedience and regulation. 

If this helped you, subscribe, share it with a foster or adoptive parent who needs steadier days, and leave a review so more families can find this support.

Ways to connect with Brandy:

Email: mccombsb@nsuok.edu  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/stl234/

Connect with me on Instagram:     
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/

On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558410502165 

Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/

Transcript

Welcome And Season Four Kickoff

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Welcome to the Foster Parent Well Podcast, where we have real, candid, faith-filled conversations about all things foster care, adoption, and trauma. I'm your host, Nicole T. Barlow. I'm a certified parent trainer, a certified health coach, and an adaptive parent myself. This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith, endurance, and joy. I want you to foster parent well. So let's jump in.

Summer Update And The Fostering Project

SPEAKER_03 1:00

This summer really got away from me between family chaos and just regular things going on and launching my new nonprofit, The Fostering Project, which is all about bringing communities together to support children and families. It's been meaningful work, but it kept me away from the mic a little longer than I anticipated. I will share more about what we are doing at the fostering project in coming weeks, but I am excited to get back here on the podcast. Now that it's back to school season, we are officially kicking off season four of foster parent will. And today we're talking all about transitions. It's something that every foster family knows intimately, whether it's a new placement, a new school year, or just the shift from summer's looser rhythm back into more structured

Meet Dr. Brandi Lee McCombs

SPEAKER_03 1:56

routine. So my guest today is Dr. Brandi Lee McCombs with a PhD in instructional leadership and decades of experience across public and higher education. Brandy specializes in developing culturally centered trauma strategies for both pre-service teachers and foster and adoptive communities. She is the founder of STL234 Outreaches and is a frequent speaker on reviving resilience in children and drawing both from her professional research and her personal journey as an adoptive parent. She uses all of those things to be able to equip others for this work. Hi, Brandy. Welcome to the podcast. Tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got into this work.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Well, thank you so much for having me, Nicole. I'm very excited just to be with you today. And so I had a professional, I guess, connection to adoption foster care because my roots are in education. I'm a teacher at heart. I always knew I was going to be a teacher. I'll forever be a teacher. However, the passion and the lifelong connection to foster and adoption is a personal one. So we have four children, three biological, one adopted, and it has been a ride like no other.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

I always love professionals that get into it in a personal way because I think it changes your perspective.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

It did. So I already had a bachelor's degree in elementary ed and psychology. And I was thrilled with that education. When my little one came along, he was three months. I always tell people he is our grand finale with fireworks. And so I know how to raise boys because all my children are boys. Like I am a boy mom. I would joke that I was living in a locker room. Like I could handle all the things that are boys. And about the age of three is when I saw a shift. And I was like, I need to know more. Even though I have roots in education and I thought I understood child development.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:17

And I'm a mom, but I need more. And that's what literally fueled me to get my master's and my PhD because not only did I want to know more as a mom, but my colleagues, there was a huge shift in our education system in our state because we lead out in poverty. We lead out in domestic violence. We lead out in ACEs. And I was like, wait a minute, where have I been? And it's like blinders, I literally call it like scales were taken off my eyes to not only I needed personal tools, I needed professional tools.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I I have been surprised lately, especially in our area. I have been getting a lot of requests for trauma training from average population people, right? Because I think it touches every aspect of our community. And people are starting to realize that. They're starting to wake up to the effects that trauma has on kids and then adults and communities as a whole. And so I think people are really trying to dig into, you know, what that what that looks like. And honestly, I feel like it is the foster and adoptive parents that are kind of leading the charge in this because we're the ones who have the experience and the knowledge because we've done the research. We've had to do the research for our own kids.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Yes. It's a one of the hats my husband wears. He's a soccer coach. And so we are an obnoxious soccer family. I've never been asked to leave a game. I've just been maybe kind of encouraged to kind of step back, but that's a whole different story. But we know soccer. And because of our personal story, and we're also in the ministry, so there's that other caveat. However, because of our personal connection to brain development and just individual unique developmental trajectories, he's actually been able to apply that to his soccer team and help other soccer coaches to say, like, hey, there's probably something more going on with this kiddo versus just showing up to soccer practice.

SPEAKER_03 6:28

Yeah. You know, I saw something. So there is like a Facebook group of TBRI practitioners. And I saw somebody ask that question like, hey, is anybody doing this work of trauma training with coaches? Yes. Because it's so needed. So needed. I think it's so, so needed. Um, so I love that your your husband has kind of those two dynamics that he can pull together. So, how old are your kids now?

SPEAKER_02 6:59

Okay, so we have got twins and they are getting ready to turn 27, which is crazy because they're both married. And so now I get the joys of having daughter-in-laws, and I'm getting ready to be a mumsy. We're gonna be we're gonna be grandparents. So I'm very excited about that. And then we have a 21-year-old who actually comes home from college today for the summer, his last summer, and then we have a 15-year-old.

SPEAKER_03 7:21

Okay, awesome, awesome. So we're kind of in the same uh boat. We have adult kids. Our oldest is 22, um, and then our youngest is 12. So kind of, you know, in that same, in that same kind of range. Yes. Um, and I don't know if you guys ever talk about this as a couple, but like my husband and I sometimes will kick up our feet and be like, we could be on a cruise somewhere instead.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

I'm gonna tell you, Nicole, we don't allow ourselves to pull on that thread because I'm afraid if I pull on that thread, it I just I don't even want to think about it. So no, we don't pull on that thread.

SPEAKER_03 7:57

Listen, I do like to dream about it sometimes, but the reality of it is I would be completely bored. Like I would be completely bored. Like I love the life that I live and it's busy and all the things. Um, but but it is kind of funny. We do kind of sit back and go, like, we have adult kids, like we could be done. We could have been done.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Yeah, when our 21-year-old three years ago, when we dropped him off at college and we get in the car, and of course I'm crying like a crocodile, like just all these crocodile tears, and my husband just looks at me and I knew like if there was a little space bubble above his head, I knew what he'd be like, we could be done right now. And I was like, Don't think it. Don't even just no, we have this treasure. We have a treasure in the back seat. We are still loving life.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

Don't even pull on that thread. Yes, yes, absolutely. That's awesome.

Why Transitions Trigger Big Reactions

SPEAKER_03 8:45

Well, today we're talking all about transitions. So, I mean, big ones like placement, but also like everyday transitions, like going to school and bedtime, right? Because that seems to be a big hiccup for our kids. So, why do our kids struggle so much with transitions?

SPEAKER_02 9:06

So that is a great question. And exactly you've already nailed it because transitions are literally, they are from a very large spectrum. We had like the big ones, just like what you just described of a placement. Even like we just went through a big transition, moving from a house to a new house, even though our family dynamics did not change. That is a huge transition for my little guy. I say little, but he's still my little guy.

SPEAKER_03 9:29

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

And then we have little transitions. And teachers, especially our early childhood teachers, if there's any early childhood teachers listening, they get transitions because transitions is literally when we pivot from one action or setting to a new one. And the reason it's so challenging, if we really stop and take all of our personal connections aside. Don't think of your if the person that you're thinking is challenging. Take all of that aside and just look at the mechanics of a transition. To go through a transition, it requires processing, it requires, it requires decision making, it requires problem solving. It literally requires abstract thinking. All of those exercises, abilities are all located in the prefrontal cortex. And I know your podcast has been amazing because you've gotten into the brain development and understanding how literally our chemical makeup of our brain gets altered and gets changed through high levels of stress, chaos, and trauma. But for our kiddos who are coming from the foster, the adoption world, and have the high levels of stress, chaos, and trauma, again, we have to remind ourselves their muscle man is in the back. That is that reptilian piece. So they're all their their natural reaction and their natural thought process is gonna be from bottom up and a transition in itself, whether it's from okay, now we're gonna clean up from dinner and we're gonna transition doing dishes to going into the living room for a board game, that's a transition. Yeah, and as adults, uh, I think we forget that sometime. Yeah, literally our whole day is made up of transitions and it does require this prefrontal cortex.

SPEAKER_03 11:21

Yes, yes, and that can be so, so difficult. And I I love that you brought up the move because I think when we're speaking in context of big transitions, we understand a child's initial placement with us is gonna be a big transition that we are gonna have to work through and help them process through. We understand that that's expected a lot of times, but I think sometimes we don't see those things like moving, even if it's a fun move and the kids want to move and it's a cool house and they're excited and all the things that that requires a lot of executive function skills that a lot of times our kids don't have.

Holidays And Letting Go Of Expectations

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Well, and also I'm gonna tell you holidays. So, on a personal note, our holidays have been hard for our little guy. And again, I I keep saying, Brandy, he's 15, he's not he'll he'll always be my little guy. We realized this probably when he was about age four or five. And because I love holidays, I love making them extra special, all the things. And we realized it was too much, and it was just the anticipation. And it's not that he he was just on the other spectrum of being so, so happy and so so excited, but for him to navigate that little bit of excitement, it actually went to negative behavior. And we were like, what is going on? And we had to really stop and have some mom-dad strategy sessions of okay, how are we gonna navigate this? So we had a lot of pre-conversations of okay, so here, because of course, that's one of the strategies for dealing with transitions, is doing a lot of pre-talk. But of course, as adults, we talk too much. So we can't just be like, okay, now this is what's gonna happen. Get ready for this, get ready for this. And that in itself becomes really stressful. But we really had to navigate our gift giving decorations, our schedule. And that was huge for us because my husband's one of other hatsy, is a pastor, and so we run a nonprofit. I work full-time. We have just like you, and I'm sure all of our listeners, we have a lot of things going. But when we can see the stressing behavior, we have to pivot. We have to transition as adults. Correct.

SPEAKER_03 13:35

Correct. Well, and I think that's hard because I think sometimes it's us letting go of our dreams, of our expectations of what things are going to be. I think we've had to do that with holidays and kind of pare it down. And I'll tell you, it's made a huge difference this year. Um, during Christmas break, was the first Christmas break ever that we have had where we didn't have any major meltdowns. And I mean, zero. And huge is huge. I mean, and it was like a huge, I mean, we've had our kids for 10 years. Like it was a huge celebration. Like, but part of it was not just how my kids have grown, but how we have grown and to adjust our expectations.

SPEAKER_02 14:25

100%. And that I I was talking to another friend about two weeks ago, and I said, I could not have been the parent that my son needed 20 years ago. When I became a parent to my 27-year-olds, I was not the same mom as I am today. And even 15 years ago, when I got to hold that little bundle, I I'm not that same mom. And I'm so grateful that God has truly just continued to work me and to allow me to grow. And he's given me so much grace to say, okay, you messed up, but let's let's rework this because I I was not the mom then. And I'm still growing because I mean he's he's growing, and I've got perimenopause hormones. He has 15-year-old hormones. We are living the best life in this world. It's amazing. I mean, don't ask my husband, but it's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

Well, I, you know, I said something about that at one point. It's like whoever, whoever's idea was to time like puberty with perimenopause on the parent end, it was like, oh gosh, I don't. I mean, we have three three teenagers, like preteen teenagers, and and me, and my husband, I I don't know how he does it.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

I just my husband just gets smiley. I married a Tigger, and I know a lot of people, especially in the they're like, Tigger. Tigger is that adorable tiger from Winnie the Pooh, and he bounces that as my husband. And so he just, he's like, it's okay, babe, we're gonna get through this. I'm like, yep, we're gonna get through this. He just keeps bouncing along. He is Tigger.

Developmental Age Versus Chronological Age

SPEAKER_02 16:01

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 16:01

Well, but but I think it's important for us to look at those transitions too. Like as we, as our kids move from stage to stage, right? As they move from toddlerhood to like elementary school, that's a stage. As they move from elementary school to start going through puberty and start going through their teenage years, that's a whole different stage that where they have different expectations that are placed on them. Um, they have a different reality when it comes to friends and what's expected of them. They have different things that are going on in their body, right? And so those things are a transition. And then we have some young adults that are transitioning from childhood to adulthood, which is a whole nother deal, right? Because we've spent all this time saying, hey, come close, come close, come close, learn to be a child, learn to accept parenting, learn to connect to your family. And then they become adults, and we're like, well, now go. Now go figure it out. And that is a huge transition.

SPEAKER_02 17:11

It is. And you've talked about this also in a couple of other shows because we know this as that the chronological age of a child does not always equal their developmental age.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 17:21

And unfortunately, our whole society, so I teach future teachers, and so I always tell my undergrads that's how our community-based learning environment is established, aka a school. It's all established on the DOB date of birth. And so when we see I've got a classroom of nine-year-olds, I've got a classroom of 10 and 11 year olds, however, we may have some students acting more like a five-year-old or a 12-year-old, like we have that large range. But then also society for our kiddos who are transitioning to being 15, 16, 17, it's so vague. And our society, even for our typically developed, non-high levels of stress, chaos, and trauma, it's like, when do I get to become an adult? Because now I could get my permit at 15, but I get to drive a car at 16, but I'm not voting till 18, and that I'm not buying certain things and renting a car 21, 23, 25. Prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed until 25. Right. So it's for even our non-stressful, non-chaotic, non-traumatic kiddo, it's already confusing. And then we pile on developmental interruptions, background changes, yeah, all the things, it becomes a recipe for challenges.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

Yeah.

Big Transitions With Prep And Visuals

SPEAKER_03 18:41

So how do we start? Let's talk about the big events first. How do we support our kids through these big transitions, right? Whether it be holidays or a move or a placement, or, you know, for some of our kids, um, like their maybe their case is taking a turn to where TPR's been granted or something of the sort. And and they're facing a different life than what they had anticipated. How do we help them through these really big transitions? How do we help them navigate that and process what's actually happening?

SPEAKER_02 19:18

That's a really good question. And so if we can, I mentioned this briefly before, but again, we got to have a fine dance between how much is too much to we talk about on the pre, like at the before anything gets started.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

Um, I have found like walking outside, taking a walk when we're surrounded by nature is like a really nice backdrop to have some kind of harder conversations. Yeah. We're walking side by side, we're kind of we don't have to look at each other. And so, but then we've also got the rhythm of walking, which is also we know about research, is really good. Being able, if you have the availability to have any visuals, like whenever we went through a transition of moving houses, and of course we had the Zillow app and we could see, and even though my son was able to actually go visit the house, because we've been through two, actually three big moves in his 15 years with us, but I've been able to like show him like this is what we're envisioning, this is what we're looking at. A lot of our foster care placements that we can't have those type of visuals. We don't know, we don't have like pictures and we don't know what it's gonna look like. But being able just to say what what's going on in your belly, like and of course, age appropriate developmentally, because I'm talking more like for a little, but then even for an older, and actually attaching words to what they're describing to you. I think a lot of our kiddos they don't know what they're feeling inside. They they just know they're they feel like they're on a roller coaster and they're feeling this. And so whenever I talk about like we're gonna have some changes next week, and when I mention the word change, what does that do? Like, do you do you find yourself kind of getting sweaty? Do you feel like you're uncomfortable, like all of a sudden your clothes are kind of itchy? And that's your body telling you something's gonna happen that you may not like. And so let's let's talk about that and being able to set the stage, I think a lot again on the pre-work, but again, having the wisdom and the knowledge of not disclosing too much, because again, as adults, we talk too much, but then also staying as the regulated adult. And I think if we hype things up too much or we downplay things too much, it's very much like these are the facts and this is what we're going to navigate. I don't even say this is what we're gonna get through. I say this is what we're gonna navigate because what that's really what we're that's really what we are doing.

SPEAKER_03 21:46

What we're doing, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

We're navigating it. We're it's like we're driving a car and we're gonna make some choices and we're going to make some decisions. It's gonna be tough about this what we're gonna navigate. And I think getting On the pre end the front end of just talking through, but then also some strategies is knowing if your kiddo is a visual processor, which a lot of our kiddos, the more visuals we can have. So, like even images of and you can get stock images online, like of a suitcase or whatever big change, like if you're moving boxes or going to a new school, like you can Google search this picture of their new school, but them actually seeing a visual image that helps with their processing because when we use all these words, that's all abstract. And to pull from Piaget, I'm a big Piaget person because I feel like concrete, pictorial, abstract. The life that our kids have led, they've been forced to go into this abstract way before they were even ready. And we need to be able to provide them those concrete tools. And so visual this always goes back to like schedules and doing like a countdown, um, post-it notes. I'm big on post-it notes. I've used that with some of my students who had a transition coming up of a mom coming out of rehab. And so we she uh the student had told me this. So I'd got a little pile of sticky notes and we did a countdown, and she got to keep it right inside her desk. So every morning she got to rip off a post-it note. And I had another student who it was like a horrible, horrible situation. And he I would find him just rubbing the post-it note because that was a connection piece to his parent. And so giving those little countdowns and using little visual clues and being able to just say, you know what, we're gonna attach some words to your feelings, we're gonna navigate this, we're gonna use some rhythm, we're gonna use some nature, those are all some intentional backdrops to what you can use when you're having those conversations.

Countdown Tools And The Need For Control

SPEAKER_03 23:57

Yeah, I love that. We uh we were told to do something similar when our kids went to respite and to give them a note for each night. And they open the note and it's like, hey, you have three more sleeps in this home before you come back to our house. Hey, you have two more sleeps before you get to come back home to our house. You have one more sleep, right? So it gives them something tangible to help them understand what's going on and where they are and um help with that transitional period.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

Yeah, countdowns and things like that with the calendars and the little sleep, the little notes opening up. It's it's a huge anchor that they're they're literally wavering. And that is that they they can use that as their anchor. Their brain can hold on to that and be able to say, okay, I I can I can visually understand three more sleeps. I can wrap my brain around two more sleeps, and I can pull that post-it note off, I can mark that off the calendar. Okay, that that I actually have control over. And that's another aspect too. When we're going through transitions, the kiddo has no control.

SPEAKER_03 25:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

And that's that's I just want to scream from a mountaintop. That's a huge problem because if not all, I can't say all statistically, majority of the stress, chaos, and trauma that our kiddos have endured has been out of their control.

SPEAKER_03 25:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:28

And so that's that reptilian part of their brain. This is not safe. It's too much unknown. I I I need to react. I need to go in preservation mode, I need to go in defense mode. And by empowering them with an envelope, by empowering them with this is our choice. What do you say? What do you want? Pulling off that sticky note, that gives them some control.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

Yes. Yes. Control is huge. I I kind of laugh because um our house is full of control freaks because I also am a control freak. So uh it's it's fun. It makes for a fun day. Um, one of the best gifts that I ever got that has really helped my kids, and I think it's this visual, this visual aspect of transitions. Um, I got a skylight calendar.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_03 26:23

I love it. And so it has like my kids have their schedule on there, it has our calendar for the day, it has their chores, like they can mark off, like as they're going through their morning, they can mark off what they're doing and move on to the next thing and know that hey, I have some control over this. I'm checking it off, and I'm choosing to move to the next thing, right? It gives them that control, it gives them that visual of what's coming next, what's out there. Um, and I I have found that that really, that really has helped. Although one day our our skylight calendar was offline.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 27:03

And uh, and so, and our kids have the same chores every single day. Like they know what their chores are. But I'm like, how come none of the chores are done? Like there's dishes in the sink, there's nobody sweeped up after breakfast or anything. And um, and they're like, Well, the skylight calendar's not working. And I'm like, so you still know what to do. I mean, my kids are middle school age, right? Like they're not little, so they they know what they're supposed to do. And they were doing those things long before the skylight calendar, but they've gotten so attached to like, well, that's how we know what's next, is by looking at the skylight calendar. So you better believe I made sure it got back online real fast.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

We got back online real quick. Well, and so like I'm from the 1900s, always joke with my high and my college kids because like I'm from the 1900s and this is what we did. But um I go old school with my 15-year-old. I go ahead and I get out a piece of paper and I'm like, this is what we do. And I say, You get the freedom. Which what what tasks do you want to do first? That's and like he can have that freedom to say, you know what, I really want to get this out of the way. And then he get, he loves, like I've created a list guide. I'm like, yes. And so he loves marking it off. But even as simple as that, the skylight um calendar and then being able to give the student, or I say students, I apologize, giving our kills that choice to where they can pick this or that, that gives them that autonomy. Yeah, yeah, that's

Faith Expectations And Accepting Brain Science

SPEAKER_02 28:30

good.

SPEAKER_03 28:30

Well, so how do we help? You know, we talked about how to help with some of the bigger transitions. How do we help with our daily transitions all day long? And I will ask this um specifically to for Christian families, because I think sometimes it gets in, at least it gets in my head. Like my kids should just obey. And when I say move to the next thing, they should just move to the next thing because I told them to, right? And so um, because I think that's how things work a lot of times in the church and in Christian circles, that's the expectation. And when I tell my kids just to move to the next thing, it didn't work like that always.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Um delayed disobedience or by delayed obedience is disobedience. Disobedience, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And um, and not only do I want them to do it right away, um, but I want them to do it with a happy heart. And and I my kids don't always do it with a happy heart. Sometimes they don't do it at all. And so how do we how do we help with those daily transitions and then help with our own expectations, like right? Kind of uh reworking some of our own expectations as to um what we're putting on our kids to begin with.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

So to begin, I'm gonna actually answer those backwards. So, first of all, for the parents, I would say accept the science. And I know there are some um Christian organizations and some Christians who may push back on science. And I would just really want to just gingerly and compassionately ask you, accept the science, because I promise you, and this is the exciting thing about my work. Everything I find out through science, it literally mirrors what's already in the scripture. And so it literally goes hand in hand. So when we talk about brain development, it's because we know now through MRIs and CT scans, like we know more about the brain because we've had so much technological advances. And so, number one, I would encourage the parents to accept the science. And I would also encourage you to accept that every child is on their own unique developmental trajectory. And for me, um, my son's um retired pediatrician was also part therapist for me, because even though I know all of this, when you're a parent, it's very easy to take things personal and it's very easy to compare. So when I have three biological kiddos and then I have an adoptive kiddo, they're all boys. I've raised boys, I should know what to do. And my sweet pediatrician who's retired, she was she'd have my son way down the hall, and then she'd look at me and she's like, You need to stop comparing. And I was like, I needed to hear that. Because so often, even though I know the science and I accept the science, I have my own little lab in my house and I compare. So I would really encourage parents, number one, think of the brain development. Don't take it personal and don't compare your kiddos. If your kiddo needs a different strategy versus another kiddo, that's awesome. Give them that strategy. And so, what are some strategies?

Daily Transition Scripts That Work

SPEAKER_02 31:48

The best ideas I could give you are mimicking an early childhood classroom because our early childhood educators, they know transitions because they're doing up to 32. I think the research is in additional, a traditional kindergarten classroom is up to 32 transitions in one day. That averages like to every 14 minutes. And so early childhood teachers know. They know how to give countdowns, like what we were already talking about. Like, hey, in five minutes, we're gonna go ahead and leave. Now, this is another little full transparency. An adult's five minutes isn't really five minutes. And so, yeah, as adults, we really need to be consistent. If we say it's gonna be five minutes, we need to we need to start. Set a timer. Yeah. Exactly, because what we're literally teaching them, they're starting to figure out in their brain what five minutes feels like. So, and I'm speaking, if I had a mirror right here, I'd be lecturing myself. Yeah, have your five minutes really be five minutes, have your two minutes be your two minutes. Hey, we're gonna be leaving in 10 minutes. I just want you to be aware and just be again, that's what early childhood teachers do. They give them that, hey, we're gonna have any cleanup time. Another thing is predictable routines. And so often as adults, and this is more I'm a routine person, like I like predictability, I like schedules. My husband, the Tigger, he thrives on unique days and like we've got this going on. Oh no, we're switching over here, we're going over here. So it has been a growth opportunity for him because our our guy, he needs predictability, he needs routines, we need the same bedtime, even at 15. We need to have the same, like the same predictability, same routines. Another strategy is color coding. And so this kind of goes along back to the visuals, but like especially if you have a like think of how your calendar works. Yeah, everybody has their color, yeah, same concept. And I promise you, there's probably an early childhood educator on their design staff when they came up with that, because that's literally if we walk into early childhood classrooms, we are seeing color coding organization because kids can they can chunk information like that. Yeah. Which again, what are we doing? We're helping that bridge the gap from not relying so heavily on the reptilian muscle man part of their brain, but to that prefrontal cortex that allows them to take the information in and kind of use it as a post-it note of, okay, what do I need to do with this? Oh, I need to put it over here. Oh, what do I need to do with this? I'm done with it, I can throw it away. That's what we're we're literally trying to coach them and we're walking alongside them on how to process this information. And that's what transitions heavily rely on. So again, I going back to the visuals. Anytime you can do visuals, I've seen, especially with littles, um, they're so easy to make. You could um again go to Google Stock Images, print off things. If you have a home printer, um, print them, and then you can even, I know there's some easy lamination cards at a lot of your um stores, and you can get a key ring and to where, especially littles, they can have that little visual checklist of shoes. Like, if think of also what is the daily transitions that really set your family off? Yeah. And start with that one. Like if this one could get figured out, like us getting out the door. If we could figure that out, we could kind of get ahead of some meltdowns. Okay, then let's stop and let's do some strategy sessions and go, okay, how could we really, what tools can we put in place to help with this transition? Do we need color-coded baskets? Like you get the blue basket, you get the yellow basket, this is where your backpack always goes. And a lot of these sound like really that's all we need. Their brains just don't organize stuff that way.

SPEAKER_03 35:50

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 35:50

And their brains, it may take them into 20, 21, 22 before they can actually organize that information. And that's okay. We just we want to act like a coach and we want to act like a teacher that strategizes and walks alongside them to come up with the best tools to help them learn how to process and learn how to pivot from one thing to the next. And that's what transitions are.

SPEAKER_03 36:20

Yeah, yeah. I love that. For us, when my kids were little, the chaos was getting everybody, like you said, kind of getting everybody out the door. We had six kids, um, and and it was just a lot. Like, how do you get everybody's stuff in order? And, you know, as you were saying, their brains don't always function in a way that can problem solve and can think through the next step and three steps ahead. And so we just took all of that off the table for them and figured it out for them. So we had a shoebox where their shoes went. We our kids would get their shoes on and they would sit um in the same exact spot near the door every single time. And even to this day, I mean, we don't like require this in the same way because our kids don't need it. But when I say, hey, let's go, my kids go and they get their shoes on and they sit on the stairs next to the door. Um, and and that's just where we all gather to get ready to leave, to make sure that we're all leaving at once. Like you're not gonna find some people in the car already, some people outside. Like they just have this pattern that is built into their system that they know that they don't have to think about. It's automatic. Um, and so they don't have to use that executive function part of their brain in order to get through that transition.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

Well, and another strategy, and so we started doing this with our um when I'm trying to think even when we started, it's been so long because our mornings were rough because I went I taught at the school that he was attending an elementary because I wanted to the next best thing to be in a stay-at-home parent is being working out of school with your kid. And that just was it was good for our family. And mornings were again, I think mornings are just rough.

SPEAKER_03 38:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:11

But mornings were rough. So, of course, I was like, what am I doing? Of course, I need to do this. So we started doing as much as we could the night before.

SPEAKER_03 38:18

The night before, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

And so, and now even in our high school years, that has become a go-to strategy of okay, let's walk us through what do we need the next morning? Because we're in a both in a regulated state. Yeah, we're not rushing, we're kind of basically doing a dry run, which is what our teachers do. Those first three weeks of school, they're practicing procedures. They're saying, okay, now how do we walk into our classroom? What do we do with our backpack? And so that's literally what I started doing with my kiddo. I was like, okay, so it's seven o'clock at night, we're not doing anything. So what do we do in the morning? How do we get through this? And he's like, you know, this is what we do. And so it was already, it wasn't in the actual moment. It's kind of literally like, what do coaches do?

SPEAKER_03 39:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

They strategize and they put them in scrimmages before the real game.

SPEAKER_03 39:07

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 39:08

That's what we need to do. We, as parents, foster and adoptive parents, we wear lots of hats. We're researchers, we are medical professionals, we're educators, and we're coaches. We're literally thinking, what can I put in to best support you? That's what a coach does. Yeah.

Building Independence Without Removing Support

SPEAKER_03 39:26

How do we transition, Brandy, from and I mean, I'm asking this both for podcast listeners, but for me too? Like, how do we transition from this stage of like, we've created all of these transitions for our kids so that they don't have to think through it? How do we transition to a place where they start to think through some of that stuff themselves as they prepare for, you know, teenage time period, adulthood, that sort of thing?

SPEAKER_02 39:57

That's a great question. So I would say again, you're going to see the clues. You're going to see, like, for example, if let's hope it doesn't, but if your calendar does go offline again and all of a sudden you're looking around and chores got done. That's a huge win. And I would say, as a parent, acknowledge that. So we had a huge win two days ago. Our son um had an away soccer game and we had multiple things going on. And so he traveled with another coach and he was gone most of the day. And so when he came back, the coach and the coach's wife, that that was the most one-on-one time they spent with our son. And they brought me to tears because they they had the most complimentary things to say about my son's ability to communicate, carry on the conversation, respond, just sensitivity. It was like if I I felt like superwoman. Like I was like, and I just put this in my brain, take this as a win.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:58

So you can pull from this at another time because he's human, he's growing. And so that night I pulled him aside and I said, I noticed you did this. I heard about this, and I made a big deal about it. And so I would say, number one, take notice. You're going to start seeing the scaffolding, which is the education word, is what we're talking about. We're putting again those strategies surrounding our kiddos. You're going to start seeing when they don't have to quote necessarily need them and acknowledge that. Say, yeah, I'm noticing you don't need the basket by the front door. Are you done with it? Do you, you know, what have some conversations and say, hey, what do you think about this? And then also, worst case scenario, if our kids grow up and they leave our home and they've got that calendar, they've got the post-it note, they've got the baskets by the front door and they're still using those tools. I'm like winner, winner, chicken dinner because we have empowered them long term. But like what you're saying, the challenge is when we're not there, like when they are at school and they're having to navigate those transitions. And that's where we are still navigating as a parent full transparency of how these are the things I'm putting together, place here for you at home. What can we do inside your backpack? Because of course, they don't typically have lockers anymore at the high schools. And so they're having to carry everything around with them, but also recognizing walking them along alongside them, saying, This is what's working here at the house. How can we mirror this when you're not in the house? So, like if you this really works well for you here, how can we put that tool in your backpack or at home? Or someday when our kids are driving, how can we put this type of organization in your car? Car keep your car, not looking in the kitchen. Yes. Yeah. So but yes, um, that's what I would say is number one is you are the observer.

SPEAKER_03 42:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:58

Take a step back and look and see what's the successful wins, celebrate the wins, acknowledge the wins, yeah, and then have those conversations with the kiddos of do you need, has this helped you? And I think that's also I'll chase a rabbit, having these healthy conversations, because a lot of families don't have these healthy conversations acknowledging that they need organization, that they need color coding, that they need scheduling. And so it's okay to recognize we need these in life. Like I couldn't go without a calendar. And I actually have a paper calendar and have a digital calendar. I'm very open and we're very open in our society about needing glasses, needing hearing devices, those types of things. Same thing.

SPEAKER_03 43:47

Same thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:48

Encourage that we provide these types of organization and these strategies because they help us, not because we're lacking in an area. Absolutely not. They just they help us. So therefore, let's embrace them and let's carry them over to every aspect of our life so we can be successful in all areas.

SPEAKER_03 44:07

Yeah, I

Encouragement And The Road Building Analogy

SPEAKER_03 44:08

like that. Um, well, as we wrap up, Brandy, what encouragement do you have for parents that are navigating some of these hard things? I mean, these are challenges that they're facing every single day. The big stuff, the hard stuff, the small stuff, right? Like in in everyday life, they're they're facing these transitions and having to figure out how to navigate them with their kids appropriately. Um, so what encouragement can you give to them?

SPEAKER_02 44:38

So I'm probably gonna sound just like I'm mimicking of multiple um episodes of your show because the biggest advice I could give you is number one, don't take it personal.

SPEAKER_03 44:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:51

When we have the challenges that arise and we have the rough mornings and we have the rough transitions, whether it be from a big transition to a new placement and or to a minor transition of just cleaning up the dishes and going into the next activity, stay regulated, stay consistent and stay predictable for that kiddo. Because it's it's we're they're not going to always respond positively the first go around. In fact, I would be shocked if kids actually responded positively the first go around. And so that's where we have to have that predictability and those routines. Because the best way to describe this, I always think of a field. The grass is tall, the field is beautiful. A truck needs to get from this part of the property all the way over there, but there's no road. So the truck just starts driving. So as the truck is driving, the grass goes down. So truck, the truck does its things, comes back the next day, the grass is back up. Can't even tell where the driver had driven. So now we're I feel like that.

SPEAKER_03 46:04

I feel that analogy.

SPEAKER_02 46:05

Exactly. You're you're getting you already know where I'm going. So the truck goes down the path again. Well, fortunately, this driver's like, I've got to keep getting to this pond every day. So I'm just gonna keep driving. So what happens eventually? The grass gets worn down, and now we have ruts. Like somebody could come by and they could see, wait, there's been a vehicle here. Well, now time's gone by and the driver's like, you know what? I'm gonna make this a permanent road. I'm gonna lay down some gravel. And then time's gone by, you know what? I'm tired of the gravel, I'm laying asphalt. That's how our brains work. The first couple of times we do some something, the grass just pops back up. And that's why our kids are like, wait, what, wait, we've done this before? And in our adult brains, we're like, yes, we've done this before. But in their brains, yeah, the truck has never been there. The grass has popped back up. There aren't even any ruts. So we we've got to keep doing that repetition and those. And so I would encourage you also start with the big ones. Don't worry about every single transition because, like I said, even in a traditional kindergarten classroom, there's 32 a day. That's just in their classroom. That's not the transition that kindergartner went through to get to school and the way the kindergartner got home after school. So think about all those little transitions that are happening in the day. And then some of our kiddos are in the middle of a big transition. That put some perspective on it. That's a lot going on, and that's a lot that we're requiring again of that prefrontal cortex that's underdeveloped already, but that hasn't even had a chance to even get developed because they've been in fight, flight, freeze, and bond mode. So they even haven't had a chance. And so I would gain some perspective, try not to take it personal, pick one or two strategies that you personally can be successful at and start using those. And then just really start thinking, okay, can this work for my family and give it a chance to work?

SPEAKER_03 48:10

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Well, Brandy, I appreciate you and all of your wisdom and knowledge has been very, very practical and helpful for our community. I think it's really going to help parents think through what transitions look like for their kids. So I appreciate you being here. Yeah, thank you for having me.

Review Request And Closing Prayer

SPEAKER_03 48:31

That's all for today's episode. I will link Brandy's contact info in the show notes. If you found value in today's episode, would you just take a minute to leave a review? Reviews help other parents find our show and it allows them to have this resource and community that may help them on their own journey. As we close today, let's take a minute to pray together. Lord, we lift up every child in the middle of transition right now. Specifically right now, Lord, those stepping into foster care for the first time. I know that they are scared and unsure, carrying more than any child should have to carry. Surround them, God, with safety, with patience, with people who show up for them again and again until trust starts to feel possible. Lord, give foster parents and caseworkers wisdom and endurance in these fragile first days and weeks. And Lord, we lift up our kids heading back to school in this season. Every new classroom, new teacher, new routine, Lord, this season of newness can be so difficult for our kids. Calm their nerves, help them feel seen and steady. Whatever their home has looked like this summer, Lord, help this be a season of stability for them. Give parents and caregivers patience as everyone finds their footing again in this season. Thank you for walking with us. Thank you for walking with every family listening right now through every transition, big or small. Lord, we love you. We trust you. In Jesus' name. Amen.